Inner Workings

Bittersweet

2012-01-02T15:36:00.003-07:00

2011 Recap:

This has been one of the best and one of the worst years of my life. There have been 2 times in my life where I can pinpoint exactly where I grew up and changed and this summer was one of those times. It was an extremely difficult time for me, but I can honestly say I'm glad it happened. I had a huge wake up call and I've stuck to my school goals since then. (Woot Woot 3.3 GPA!)

This year wasn't good for my weightloss which I'm disappointed about. I definitely put losing weight on the back burner, but I also know that I've had a lot on my plate and there were more pressing issues (like getting back into school).

On the plus side, I've met the love of my life and have had the best 10 months of my life. He motivates me, he supports me, and he loves me unconditionally. It's amazing how comfortable around him I am. I know the dating books tell you to be mysterious and keep some of yourself hidden, but I'm completely honest with him. I feel like crying? You bet it'll come out, and I'm not a pretty crier either.

I moved into my own apartment with 3 friends and the independence is amazing. I'm budgeting my money really well, I'm keeping my place tidy, and I've built myself a HOME. I feel so happy and right in Edmonton now.

Another plus is that I've learned who my real friends are. While this comes with the negative aspect of learning who wasn't a good friend, the positive far outweighs the negative. I said goodbye to some people who were dragging me down and weren't treating me right. I've learned to accept myself and to accept other's faults. And it feels so good.

I also learned that all my accomplishments need to be for myself and not for others. I've always felt like nothing I do is good enough for my parents and I recently learned that even when I try my best, I still get reprimanded and yelled at. Turns out this hurts a lot more when I've done my best because I know I couldn't have done more. But on the bright side, I've emotionally cut myself off from that and now know that if I do something, it'll only feel good if I rely solely on how I feel about it.

My goals for 2012:

Lose 60 pounds. That's a little over one pound a week. I hope I can blow this one out of the water.

Go to the gym/exercise at least 3 times a week. Fitting in some time to take care of myself should boost my happiness all around, plus it'll help with the weight loss goal.

Minimum 3.0 GPA for the year

Meet 5 new interesting people that I can become friends with

Join a club or team of some kind

Become financially independent

Be tidier, don't procrastinate cleaning

WRITE ON MY BLOG MORE

I know these are a lot of goals, but I've learned that it's all about the process. I'll work on these things bit by bit.

Overall, 2011 has been a great year. I've got the building blocks, now I just need to go out and get the things I want.

2012... here I come.

Is Cheating Only Okay In Uno?

2011-10-13T21:25:00.005-06:00

My grandmother cheated all the time in Uno. We've been playing Uno together since I was about 3 or 4. Sure, way back then I'd just throw random colours down, but once I got better I noticed my grandmother getting much better too. Then one day a card fell out of her sleeve and the jig was up.

My grandmother was scamming me in Uno.

People cheat in card games and on tests they're not ready for, but they also cheat on people they're in relationships with.

I originally typed in love with but I feel like they're should be an asterix next to it saying

*"in love"

* in love with, but was drunk

* in love with, but were currently fighting

* in love, but drinking

* pretending to be in love

etc.

So we'll stick with ''in a relationship'' for now, because there are so many different situations and circumstances that I can't judge. Well, I can. I just may not be anywhere near the correct story.

I'm proud to say I've never cheated on anyone I was in a relationship with. I'm not all angel wings and gold stars though. I've always been completely honest here, so I'll admit it - I've helped someone cheat. I wasn't proud of it then, and I'm not proud of it now. I still get embarassed when I think about it. In the end, the girl told me she was infact glad it happened. He really was a piece of shit. It's a shame it took us both so long to figure it out. Anyway, that is a very long story and I'm glad I owned up to it and apologized to her. And threw his house key off the 10th floor of my apartment building into the snow 2 years ago. That felt REALLY good.

But back to the point. I don't think I could cheat. I'd feel so horrible. KCat and I have talked about it and we've both agreed that if either of us ever cheats, it's over. We couldn't live with the knowledge that the other one had did something like that and neither of us would be able to move on from it. I think if you truly love someone, you can fight those urges whether you're in a fight or you're extremely drunk, etc.

You're probably thinking ''some people get so drunk they don't know what they're doing''. Sorry sweetheart, but it's not an admissible defence in a court of law and it sure as hell isn't admissible in my court of love.

Judge ruling - you're NEVER so drunk that you don't know what you're doing.

You don't wanna kiss that other person? Keep your mouth attached to a glass of water. You don't wanna dance with that person? Take a seat. Keep your ass on that chair.

Regardless of how much I drink, I ALWAYS have the knowledge that I'm in an exclusive and committed relationship with someone I really care about.

I know people who have cheated and it made me look at them differently, even if they were (or are) friends of mine. This girl I used to know in highschool swore she loved her boyfriend. He's all anyone ever heard about and she pasted quotes about true love all over the place. He was literally her world. And then she cheated on him. Twice. When he was at the same parties. I think she also cheated once when he wasn't there, I can't exactly remember.

It's insane that I don't know how many times she cheated because she cheated SO MANY TIMES.

I can understand why some people cheat, but that doesn't mean I like it or think they had good reasons. Break up with the person first. I've been cheated on by 2 boyfriends. One I didn't care about, I was looking for a good excuse to break up. But the other one, it really stung. Be human enough to end it.

I thought she was pretty, she's nothing like the things you said

The woman you described couldn't even turn your head

The two of you looked lost inside a world all your own

Like you couldn't wait to get her alone

So I guess that means that things are better

They must not be so bad at home

I thought it looked like you were leaving, but it don't.

And I heard you tell her you still love her

So it doesn't matter what you say

I saw it all from a table away

And that's where you're gonna stay, a table away.

A Little Early

2011-10-08T16:28:00.002-06:00

I know, I know. It's Thanksgiving weekend.

But! I'm not having turkey or anything. I'm staying here, in ETown. My roomies are gone so I've been all alone today.

So... I cleaned the kitchen, went through recipe books (and tried a few - I'm so full I could throw up) and made cookies.

HALLOWEEN COOKIES! I'm so excited for halloween. I'm going as Aphrodite and my boyfriend is going as Ares. So yeah, sure, my cookies are a little premature. But I'm planning on making about 6 more batches anyways. Might as well start now.

Open My Eyes, I See Sky

2011-10-07T02:12:00.004-06:00

Before you attack me, I have an excuse as to why I haven't posted in so long!

A legitimate excuse at that. It's really hard to blog when you don't have a) a computer or b) a laptop.

Now I have both, and I am BACK.

Life is complicated, but it's a good kind of complicated. I'll go into more detail soon because it's a long story, but I had to reinvent myself this summer. And I feel pretty good. There are still some things I need to change (like getting my lazy ass to the gym) but I've changed a lot on other fronts (guess what I did all week? studied. No last minute cramming for this student either).

It's all about balance and making myself happy. I'm still working on that, but the great friends and absolutely fantastic boyfriend (yes, 7 months later and I'm still in heaven) have helped me along the way when I couldn't do the job myself.

So that's the short of it for now. I've had my computer back for a day and a half and look at me now... 2:16am and unable to shut my windows. It's great to see how quickly I can bounce back into the Great Procrastinator! But, school is extremely important right now. If I stick to my schedule and stay on the same path I'm on now I should be fine. I just have to be strict with myself. There's no room for error with school right now. I'm on my second chance (definitely more on that later).

Tonight I watched Pride and Prejudice for the bajillionth time. I love that movie. It's so much nicer watching a romantic movie when you have someone you love. Instead of sobbing ''Oh my God, I'M SO LONELY!" during the kissing scenes, I'm thinking how much better all our kisses have been.

Awwwww *insert vomit here* but hey. I've had (more than) my fair share of jackass exboyfriends. I'm allowed to be as mushy and as disgusting as I want now that I've got a good boyfriend.

So suck it, just be happy I'm back 'cause I sure missed you.

;)

Secret Heart

2011-06-20T23:32:00.001-06:00

June 20th, 2011
10:30pm

I said "I love you''.

It feels amazing to finally get it off my chest, but it feels even better to know I truly mean it.

:)

2011-06-02T23:11:00.001-06:00

I am so happy with you.

I Wake To You

2011-05-21T02:04:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, life has been busy!

I'm working 2 jobs and that's keeping me very busy. Not to mention moving, working out, and spending time with the amazing boyfriend.

Life is really great right now.

:)

More of an update later! It's 2am and I work in the morning.

"This is the way I need to wake, I wake to you."

I'm Not Ready To Go

2011-04-29T16:26:00.002-06:00

You think you've heard this before
I'll try to say it differently
As long as it come naturally to me
It's been making me sad
'Cause I can't find a better way
To speak the words I wanna say to you

Know how I love you
And know how I need you

And I want you to know
I won't let you down
No, I can't let go

Once again, I'm packing. I'm in my room in residence surrounded by cardboard boxes and empty hallways. I've lived in Lister for 2 years now. I remember those first few days in my first year, I thought I'd made a huge mistake and wanted to go home. Once I let my walls down and got over how scared I was, I made this my new home.

And now I don't want to go.

I'm ready to leave Lister, I know I can make it out on my own, but I'm finding that I don't want to leave. Not just yet. I'm going to miss living across the hall from my best friends. I'm going to miss studying in the cafeteria until 1am. I'm going to miss the torn apart lounge every Sunday morning. There are so many things that I'm going to really miss and I regret not taking more time to appreciate it.

Last year was my party year - I went wild. I went out 2 or 3 times a week and had the time of my life. I made great friends and I was accepted into a new family. This year I made a lot of new friends but was much quieter - school came first. I don't regret it, but I know studying will be easier in my own private home.

Lister has given me so much. It gave me some really superb people in my life. I've made a new life for myself here. It gave me the courage to be the person I wanted to be and to not worry about what others thought. It gave me the opportunity to start over and not be defined by my past. It gave me the strength to say goodbye to the people in my life that were dragging me down. It gave me the perspective to appreciate my family and friends back home. Lister let me grow up on my own terms.

I'm getting teary writing this. I know I'm ready to go, but it's hard to leave my home. I know I'll make a new home for myself, but I don't want to say goodbye to this one just yet.

I just wanted to say thank you. These past 2 years have been the best of my life and I owe a lot to this place and the people who lived here with me.

I love you.

Ignorance Is Bliss

2011-04-09T03:51:00.006-06:00

I wish you'd never told me that I was fat, that I couldn't do things other people could, and that in order to be happy I'd have to lose weight.

The first time I remember you telling me people would like me more if I was skinny was when I was 8.

I was 8. I should have been worrying about who to play with at recess, not about whether or not I was a disappointment to everyone.

I didn't know anything was wrong with me until you pointed it out.

For so long I thought I was grotesque and that no one would love me - including you.

So I started exercising all the time. I stopped eating. And even when I got down to a low weight it still wasn't low enough for you, so I gave up and went the complete other direction. I stopped caring about myself. I couldn't handle the hunger pangs, the migraines, and the loneliness. It didn't change anything. You still told me I needed to lose more weight.

You think you're being nice when you say "once you lose your weight you'll be the most beautiful girl on campus. guys won't be able to walk past you without staring." but instead all I hear is "no one will pay attention to you when you're like this. no one will look at you twice." which may be the wrong way to take it, but this is what you've taught me.

Maybe you were trying to help me, but in the end you only hurt me. Badly. It's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life.

I blame myself, and I blame you. And that hurts me. I wish I had no resentment, I think it puts a great strain on our relationship. All I want to do is move on, but I can't.

You emotionally tattooed "fat" on my forehead so every time I look in the mirror it's all I can see.

Mom, I wish you'd kept your mouth shut when I was 8.

100th Post!

2011-04-04T01:41:00.008-06:00

100th post!
That's so exciting. Thanks to everyone that reads my blog. It may seem trivial, but it means a lot to me. I appreciate the support and love!

This post is going to be a very happy one which feels great.

KCat slept over last night. Now I'm lying in bed and it feels lonely. It's the best lonely feeling I've ever felt - knowing I have something so great, if that makes sense. Last night

Everything by Michael Buble came on his ipod and he took my hand and danced with me in my room. Just the two of us at midnight. Dancing in my crowded little dorm room. And it was perfect. It was such a sweet little moment.

I've really found a good guy here.

Also! I'm staying in Edmonton this summer. I think it's better for my mental health. None of my friends from Alberta are going home for the summer really (except for Pi. fail Pi!) so it'll be a great time. I was going to have to go back to Vancouver, but I got a job at West Edmonton Mall! I went on friday and handed out my resume and got hired on the spot at the Disney Store, which, hello! is perfect for me. I'm really excited.

Man I am just in the best mood right now. Life is going so well.

You're a swimming pool on an August day, you're the perfect thing to say.

When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.

Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true

Because you can see it when I look at you.

I'd Like To Go

2011-03-29T16:32:00.001-06:00

I'd really like to go on a road trip. Let's go.

New Condo

2011-03-29T16:17:00.006-06:00

Kanye is moving in with his *new girlfriend.

new - a girl he's been hooking up with for 5 weeks, a (clearly) serious relationship

At first I was upset. I get a ''I've been thinking about you lately'' and not 5 minutes later he tells me he's moving in with his new girlfriend. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't upset because it wasn't me moving in with him. In fact, now that he's moving in I won't ever have to worry about falling into another one of his traps. I'm glad he's being taken away. Keep him!

I was upset because he said "I've finally got my life together so we're moving in to her new condo''. I mean, a new condo?! I want a new condo. That bitch.

In all seriousness though, it hurt that he couldn't get his shit together with me but he will put the effort in for this new girl. That's going to sting for anybody. No one wants to feel like they're not good enough. So after I had a bit of a sulk and a pout, I cheerfully mentioned my new relationship. He still hasn't responded. There you go Kanye, suck on that!

Because while you're happy, I'm just as happy - if not happier.

We will call the new boyfriend KCat (thanks to Dino). I've never felt this comfortable with somebody. He makes me feel sexy and sweet. He tells me how smart and funny I am. He makes me love my body and my personality. I can talk to him about anything. It's been almost a month now that we've been dating and I feel great.

My older sister called and gave me The Talk. My mum called her and asked her to do it. Who cares that I'm turning 21 this year and she knows I'm not a virgin.

I meet his parents on the 10th and I'm nervous but very excited. They seem great.

Holy moly. In a relationship. A good one.

That's never really happened before.

Kiss Me! Even Though I'm Not Irish

2011-03-18T23:14:00.004-06:00

These past 2 weeks have been long ones - first with my neuroscience exam, then my human development exam this week. I did super well on both of them so it was time to blow off some steam.

St Patty's was the perfect time and excuse! We stole a table and put it in my room to play beer pong and other drinking games. We got all greened up and started drinking at 6. I was irish shwasted in no time. Overall, it was a great night. I woke up covered in green food dye which is always a good sign.

We just made 130 jello shots for the floor crawl tomorrow, so it should be another good night.
If I survive.

Then on Sunday I have a date with the man :)

More on him later...

Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?

2011-03-13T01:02:00.008-07:00

Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're about to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?

Does anybody else feel a lot of "first kiss" pressure?

I keep chickening out. Date 3 is tomorrow and I need to make it happen. Or he does. Someone does!

I just hate the whole "you have to have your first kiss when he drops you off in his car!" thing..

No. I refuse! I don't want to lean over the console and I don't want to have to twist my body in a weird position. It gives me muscle spasms. Then the light comes on in the car when you open the door so he can see how flustered I am. No!

No. No. No.

I'm not saying I need it to be the most romantic thing ever. Jeeze. I just want him to kiss me. I think I'll like it.

A lot.

Love Isn't Silly

2011-03-10T16:05:00.004-07:00

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs,
But I look around me and I see it isn't so.
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.
And what's wrong with that?
I'd like to know, 'cause here I go again

Love doesn't come in a minute,
Sometimes it doesn't come at all
I only know that when I'm in it
It isn't silly, love isn't silly, love isn't silly at all.

I'm very excited for my date tomorrow. This could be something :)
The first date went so well, let's see how the second goes!

Shame On Me

2011-03-09T19:25:00.004-07:00

Because when you're twenty and somebody tells you they love you, you're going to believe them.

It's hard not to feel stupid about Sean/Kanye. It's harder not to feel hurt.

I'm pretty good about keeping him out of my head, but sometimes this pang makes my heart ache. I don't miss him, I just feel foolish. I'm one step closer to never thinking about him again. I'll get there.

You're Impossible To Find

2011-03-09T14:43:00.001-07:00

This is not what I intended,
I always swore to you that I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger,
I may have failed you, but I loved you from the start.

The Time Is Now

2011-03-07T14:57:00.002-07:00

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours.
When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

A Slow Death

2011-03-03T13:51:00.001-07:00

Statistics is killing me slowly.

I feel my brain turning to mush.

At least I didn't procrastinate studying as badly this time, I did over half the studying when I was at home in Vancouver for reading week. Still, I've taken this whole week off and dedicated it to working out just so that I wouldn't have to study for my midterm tomorrow.

Wish me luck. If I die, you can have my stuff.

This Aching Heart Ain't Broken Yet

2011-03-01T21:15:00.006-07:00

I have a short temper. I'm stubborn and I'm opinionated, and yes, sometimes I will frustrate you so much that you'll want to pack your bags and leave.

But I'm also intelligent and funny, good looking, and loyal. I will make your average day great and every moment better than the last. I will make you change your mind about leaving.

It's your turn to put in the work. I've realized I let guys walk all over me, and for what? It hasn't gotten me anywhere. Chasing you has done nothing but make me more aware of how alone I sometimes feel.

That's over with because I've had an epiphany. I could be that girl you want to write love songs about. I could be that voice on the end of the telephone that you're dying to hear. I could be that hand that fits yours.

All these "coulds" can change into "will be"s, but it's all up to you now.

Your choice. I will be fine either way, because I'll always be that great girl.

It's up to you whether I'm that great girl you passed up, or that great girl you're with.

Math

2011-02-28T23:50:00.001-07:00

I like you + you like me

=

?

The equation should be pretty simple. I need you to solve it, and soon. Chasing you for a bit was fun, exciting even, but it won't last for long.

Do the math.

Shrinking

2011-02-18T00:45:00.003-07:00

You know who lost 6 cm in their measurements from bootcamp so far?

This bitch right hurr.

BACK TO GIDDY!

2011-02-15T22:14:00.003-07:00

HE RESPONDED!

he messaged me ''why didn't you respond to my text?"

Thank God he's as forward as I am. Here I was feeling like crapola, but he was just as confused as I was. He's been texting the wrong number.

I'm so stupid. I need to stop doubting myself so much. That's something I really need to deal with apparently.

YAY!!

This blog is becoming so bipolar...

Giddy Turns to Gloomy

2011-02-15T20:24:00.002-07:00

I'm sad.

:(

I don't think he's ever going to call me back.

What's so bad about me that no one wants to love me back?

If Assholes Could Fly, This Would Be An Airport

2011-02-14T23:57:00.006-07:00

You know what?

I'm going to double post.
I've been holding it in, but here we go. You've pushed me and pushed me and now I can't keep it in any longer.

You are such a sack of shit, Sean. No more nicknames for you. Anyone reading this who knows about you is probably nodding their heads in agreement right now, but I was an idiot. I cared about you, so I gave you multiple chances. Every crappy thing you'd ever done I forgave you for because I believed you. I believed in you.

I know I wasn't always the best to be involved with. I get scared easily but I never walked away. That was all you. You're full of such shit. How many times did you call me late at night babbling about how you loved me and wanted to be with me? You talked about having kids with me for Christ's sake.

How could you throw "I love you" around like that? How can it mean nothing to you?

Sometimes I think I can be pretty cold. But the difference between you and I is that my cold heart can thaw out - your problem is that you're heartless. You have nothing there. You pretend you do, but someone who truly cared about someone else couldn't bullshit the way you do.

So now we are done. I have no more forgiveness left for you. I feel weighed down by your betrayal. I know you'll come back eventually and I'm preparing for the moment when you realize what you've done.

We had one big fight. I rarely say this, but it was your fault. Of course I was freaked out by what you'd told me - you purposely said things to scare me. You admitted to that. But as soon as I say I need to go to sleep and think things over, you decide that I no longer matter.

AGAIN I find over facebook that you're dating someone else. Facebook, really? Grow a set already. At least last time you waited a couple days. This time it was less than 24 hours. Did you talk to her late at night, too? Did you tell her the same things you told me? I feel sorry for myself, but I feel more sorry for her. She doesn't know what you're capable of.

You are worthless.

I can't believe I wasted so much feeling and time on you. I will never get those 15 months back, but I won't give you any more of my life. You don't deserve it and I finally see it now.

Screw you. Who do you think you are?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Scrooge

2011-02-14T23:45:00.003-07:00

I hate Valentine's Day.
I've had a terrible day.

Everyone's been calling me Scrooge.
I'm okay with it.

Giddy

2011-02-12T13:45:00.002-07:00

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

-
I had a first date last night and it was wonderful.

I'm Sor...

2011-02-07T01:06:00.002-07:00

Never apologize for showing feeling.

When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

That Aint So Pretty

2011-02-07T00:14:00.003-07:00

I'm sorry, but the miracle of birth is in no way glamorous or pretty.

I'm pretty well known for my aversion to children and the thought of ever being a parent. Unfortunately, my human development professor couldn't care less about my traumatization in the 10th grade thanks to a graphic little video on childbirth.
So I'm currently enjoying reading about prenatal development.

I threw up in my mouth.

Yeah, that baby's super cute. But it can stay with its parents, thank you very much. I love my niece and nephew but I can only handle them for a few hours at a time. I'm not patient enough for children. I'm far too selfish.

I'll stick with a puppy.

Dont Come Back For Me, Don't Come Back At All.

2011-02-04T19:42:00.003-07:00

Have you ever heard a song that so perfectly describes someone you know that you wonder if the artist somehow knew they were out there?

I learned to live, half alive... and now you want me one more time.
Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart?
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul, so don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed because you broke all your promises.

This is for you, Kanye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

You Build Me Up Just To Tear Me Down

2011-01-30T02:27:00.006-07:00

You always tell me that I have these huge walls you can't get through. That as soon as you see a hint of vulnerability they're back up in full force. I've been told this by a lot of people. I seem so open, but I'm really not.

Tonight I took those walls down. Things haven't been easy for me lately. We put both of my dogs down in the last 2 weeks, they died 13 days apart. It was sudden and left my family feeling pretty empty. Losing weight is really hard, I've been working out but I can't do what a lot of other people can do. I cheated on my diet really badly this week. I'm behind in my school work and I'm not sleeping well.

I'm drowning.

I'm away at school and I feel like I have to be this super strong person. I can't call my mum and cry on the phone to her. She worries and right now she's so sad that I can barely talk to her on the phone. Everyone's just so... sad. So I keep it all in.

Bottling everything is hard.

And tonight, I needed you. I called you and you brushed me off. Your new girlfriend was with you. Once again, I find out over facebook. Exactly like last time. I don't understand how three days ago I meant ''everything'' to you and now I mean nothing. I told you I was upset on the phone and you said ''okay'' and hung up.

I finally tore my walls down for you and you didn't care.

So this is it. This is my last night crying alone over you. This is the last time I'll allow you in.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up not missing you. Every time I start to feel a pang in my heart I'm going to remember how I feel right now.

Alone.

And I won't miss you anymore. Because you could have been here with me. We could have taken a big step. You could have seen how hard it was for me to come to you, broken, and asking for your help. But that's too bad. You missed out.

And now you'll miss out on me.

Fuck You and Forget You Too

2011-01-27T19:42:00.002-07:00

Fuck you.

If you think I'm going to sit back and wait for you, you've got another thing coming.
You aren't worth any more of my time.
Yeah, I've made a mistake. And it was with you.

Have fun with your easy skinny bitch. Don't bother calling, you might as well lose my number now.

Fuck you and good riddance.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

2010-12-17T00:38:00.002-07:00

I'M GOING HOME TODAY!

We're getting our tree(s) and decorating them, along with the whole house, as soon as I land in Vancouver. Oh lordy I am so excited. It's been such a tough semester, I've tried so hard, I need some time to relax! Tomorrow is my birthday party with all my Vancouver friends and I could not be happier. Everything is so perfect right now. I can't wait to see my family and friends.

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!

You Just Don't Get It

2010-12-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I don't like you!

Leave me alone!

Screw You Walt Disney

2010-12-06T23:28:00.004-07:00

(my theater final is tomorrow. this is the "essay" i wrote for it. i have to present it orally. phew!)

Walt Disney is a terrible man. He has ruined my life. His movies have completely ruined my perception of romance. Life isn’t nearly as romantic as an 80 minute children’s movie suggests and I’m upset. Since I was little I’ve been obsessed with Disney princesses. My first Halloween costume was a pink princess, followed by being Belle for the next 5 consecutive years. I finally changed costumes, but at the last minute decided that being Ariel the little mermaid was a better choice. Who wants to be a farm animal when you can be a beautiful princess that everyone loves? From then on I was hooked. For birthdays and Christmases I asked for dress up costumes. The only time I showed any wavering of interest was when I was 6 and my aunt bought me a sceptre. I yelled ‘’off with her head’’ for about a week until I went back to my princess ways. Power was great, but I wanted adoration. I wanted love.
The problem is that thanks to Walt Disney, SCREW YOU WALT DISNEY!, my idea of love is completely skewed. I pity my future husband, that guy is going to have such a rough time keeping me happy. They say ‘’a happy wife is a happy life’’ and he has quite a challenge in front of him. Thanks to our pal Walt I expect huge things from men in the name of love. Look at Aladdin. He gets thrown into jail, escapes to explore a creepy cave in the shape of a demonic tiger and finds a genie… all for Jasmine’s love. But it doesn’t end there. In Beauty and the Beast, Beast fights Gaston who “eats four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large, and now that he’s grown he eats five dozen eggs so he’s roughly the size of a barge” (his words). He almost DIES for Belle and he’s only known her for like a week. The list goes on and on. John Smith betrays his country for Pocahontas and Prince Philip fights a magical dragon lady (who still terrifies me to this day) for Aurora, the Sleeping Beauty. My future husband is going to have to pull out the big guns. If he doesn’t have a near death experience due to his devotional love, I’m not going to be satisfied.
The men in Disney movies aren’t real beings. Fighting an evil villain when you’re a cartoon isn’t scary. If you die, you stop getting drawn. There’s no real draw back, but if you’re human, fighting an evil villain would be terrifying. Personally, I wouldn’t fight a dragon or a witch for anybody. Not even Gerard Butler and he’s my dream man. But I have another problem with these princes. Has anyone noticed how perfect all the men are in Disney movies? For one, they’re all gorgeous. They’ve all got broad shoulders, super lean bodies, and perfectly chiselled jaws. On top of that, they’re all incredibly polite and nice ALL THE TIME. The prince in Cinderella is literally named “Prince Charming”. This is not the real world.

I have a bone to pick with the princesses. They’re even worse than the men. Like I said, when I was little I wanted to be like them. I still want to be like them! But it’s impossible. All the women have incredibly tiny waists, legs that go for miles, perfect hair, and big boobs. We’re lucky enough to get ONE of those qualities, let alone ALL of them. Ariel, honey, I’m sorry, but in the real world you wouldn’t be so perky with just two little purple shells holding you up. Also, if you showed up on a random beach, completely mute, dancing around with seafood and combing your hair with a fork, a guy wouldn’t take you into his home and take care of you. He’d send you to an institution.

The Disney movies are ridiculous. The concepts just aren’t logical. John Smith and Pocahontas wouldn’t fall in love; they have a huge language barrier. They might have painted with all the colours of the wind, but once their fun is done they would go their separate ways. Prince Charming wouldn’t have found Cinderella locked in a basement because she never would have gotten to the ball in the first place. Pumpkins do not change into carriages. Snow White would have been trapped in a glass coffin until she suffocated because nobody would want to kiss a body they thought had been decaying for a week. Beauty and the Beast wouldn’t have worked out, he’d have eaten her along with the wolves and if she’d survived by some chance, bestiality is socially unacceptable. How am I supposed to find my true love when he’s either a convict or an over-sized dog? Am I destined to be alone because Disney movies have ruined my idea of romance?

Overall, I understand that Disney movies aren’t real. They’re made up stories to make people believe in true love. It’s great to have a little romance, but in the end I’ll be happy with someone who says “I love you” every day and truly means it.

That Is A Hard Thing To Do

2010-11-30T17:26:00.002-07:00

My 20th birthday did not disappoint.
About 25 of my friends and I drank on the floor then went to a country bar at West Edmonton Mall called Whiskey Jack's. Multiple boy mistakes, 7 shots of tequila (that I REMEMBER) and lots of country music results in me being kicked out of the bar. Apparently this is a very hard thing to do. I, Shmemma, was kicked out of an Albertan bar. Oh I am so proud.
This is how it happened.

It was my birthday. I was really excited. I was saying goodbye to my teens and wanted to get really drunk. School has been kicking my ass and here I was presented with an entire weekend to forget my worries. Boy, did I try my hardest to forget them. So many free shots from everyone. A free shot every hour from the VIP lounge. 3$ highballs which I had lots of. I was totally fine... until about 1am. I'd started drinking at 6 and was perfect. I was messed up, but I was great. Everything was amazing... until Shorty took my phone and called P, leaving a nice little voicemail that went something like this..

"Hey! You're a complete idiot for letting the best girl on earth go. You know what? She loves me and I love her will all my heart. You fucked up!"
with me screaming ''no, no, no, no" in the background.

After the phone call, I dont really know what happened. I looked around all the whole world spun. Next thing I know, I'm sitting hunched over with my face about an inch from the ground. Within a few minutes of sitting, I looked up to Stoico said ''bathroom'' and off we went. I threw up 3 or 4 times in the bathroom of the bar, apparently punctuating a new wave of vomit with "Oh God, he called P." over and over and over again. Then I was escorted out of the bar by two nice big security guys. Kicked out with a ''have a nice night ladies!".

Stoico got a cab while WD hung me over the back of a car in the parking lot. Stoico got me a big garbage bag for the cab which I used... a little too much. I threw up so many times. I blacked out in the cab ride and don't really remember what was going on.

I was let past the Lister check point immediately because they reognized me. Phew, because I wouldn not have been able to find my ID, let alone say my own name.
Saw J Rock and Fruitvale in the hallway with some other 5k friends and apparently responded to their greetings by throwing up in said garbage bag. Next thing you know, I'm waking up the next morning to a phone call from my mum wishing me a happy birthday.

Oh jesus.

I texted P and apologized. Oh holy crap was he upset. He said the voicemail was ''incredibly threatening and rude" which is translated to "why the hell did you wake me up with this garbage? I was lying in bed with my girlfriend (who still doesn't know about you) and now I'm in trouble. Why are you in my life?". I apologized again and deleted his number from my phone, once and for all. No more waiting for me. He CLEARLY does not want anything to do with me.

Kanye called me last night. We talked and I was so out of it (incredibly exhausted) but I definitely caught an ''I miss you", an "I can't stop thinking about you" and an "I keep coming back because a bit of me is madly in love with you".
Oh jesus.

What am I going to do?

I just want it to be christmas.

Only The Good Die Young

2010-11-29T21:44:00.004-07:00

Gabi,

I envy your courage. No one judges you for the decision you made. I cried to my parents on the phone today and my mum said that you didn't hurt at the end. You're so brave and I'll miss you. I don't really pray, but tonight as I fall asleep I'll be saying a prayer for you.

R.I.P. Gabrielle. The world was a better place with you in it.

Do You Know What Time It Is?

2010-11-25T01:14:00.003-07:00

I make the good guys bad
and the bad guys worse
Nice girls come last
because I'm always first

Do you know what time it is?

It's birthday time.

A Quarter of the Way to Death

2010-11-23T01:41:00.002-07:00

Hurrah! Sounds morbid, but it actually makes me feel accomplished. I've lived approximately a quarter of my life!

Sometimes it was hard, I'm glad I got here.

20.

Wow, hey? Beware world - I'm soon out of my teens and I promise I'll be crazier than ever.

2010-11-19T02:09:00.003-07:00

"At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry."

I'm lucky to have my friends in my life.

Last night Bunny and I had a long midnight talk. It was great to get some stuff off my chest that I've been keeping to myself for awhile. I feel so much better. Lighter. More free.

Best friends are the people that carry your fears with them so that you have a lighter load.

I'm excited to go home at christmas time and see my Vancouver girls. I'm homesick for them.

2010-11-17T22:17:00.004-07:00

"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

Thin, Thin, Thin

2010-11-16T18:47:00.009-07:00

I'm sitting in my psychology night class, not paying attention as usual.
But tonight I'm actually doing something productive - I'm working on my oral communications essay/project.
We have to create a 3 point speech on something we feel strongly about.

My problem was that I was thinking of things that were safe, "I'll talk about waterpolo, about athletes" or "I'll talk about dyeing hair, and the dangerous side effects that can occur" but today I spoke with my professor. She told me to write about something that's effecting me right now.

And you know what's effecting me? Not waterpolo, not the side effects of dyeing hair,

but anorexia.

and I am disgusted. Not by the people doing it, they're victims, but by the people causing it. I'm enraged. I'm not the one who's battling anorexia, I used to prefer self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I don't have the willpower to starve myself to be honest. I tried it for about 3 months, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle the fatigue at sports practice or the headaches I'd get throughout the day. Eventually I'd give in and binge eat.

Unfortunately, someone I care about dearly has better will power than I do. She's young, too young to be hating her body the way she does and I wish I could do something to help her. I'm doing all that I can right now (God, I hope I'm doing everything I can) but I wish I could be there, giving her a hug. I wish I could sit next to her and tell her to her face how beautiful I think she is. I wish she could hear how people talk about her body, how gorgeous they think she is.

I'm sad for her. I'm sad that she didn't get to skip over this part of her life, that she has to go through the thoughts and feelings that I did. I can't handle losing this person.

I'm tearing up.

I'll die if I lose her. My heart can't even take the thought of it.

It's an obsession. Reading through people's posts on websites about their battles with anorexia, I see clearly that it's all they think about and all they care about.

"everything will be fine once I'm thin"

I'm guilty of thinking this thought, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to be thin. I've been fighting my weight since I can remember, but I've gained so much confidence in the last year.
I have curves, I have hips, I have boobs. I have something to hold on to.
And while I might not be considered delicate or fragile, I'm beautiful. I have flushed cheeks and warm skin, something someone who's starving themselves doesn't have. If you want someone who's skinny, fine. You're not worth my time in the first place. Why does our society focus so much on how we look and not what we have to offer the world? That girl over there, she might be 250 pounds, but you know what? She's incredibly smart. In fact, she's going to find the cure for cancer.

Too bad she committed suicide after being called "fat" too many times.

What has our world come to? Honestly.

What the fuck is everyone thinking? When did starving ourselves for beauty become glamorous?

2010-11-16T17:40:00.003-07:00

"you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you."

2010-11-15T11:13:00.004-07:00

a damn thing hasn't changed, unless it's you.

Spice Up Your Life

2010-11-15T01:00:00.003-07:00

If you know me in real life, you'll know that I don't really have a set "style".
One day I'm wearing a floral dress with cute earrings, the next day I have heavy eyeliner and I'm rocking the studded, well, everything look.

I'm constantly changing my look. I like change, I find it exciting. I get bored quickly and easily.
I just changed my hair :) It is now a purpley red, like it was in september. My hair was looking kind of brown lately and while that looks great and works well for some people, it's my own personal nightmare. I think I'm going to put my nose ring in again. Yes, I like the jeweled stud but it doesn't feel special. Plus I only changed the ring in the first place because we were having snobby family photos taken and my mum didn't want me to look like (and I quote) a "barn yard animal/biker girlfriend".

Sorry mum, but I'm feeling the barn yard animal biker girlfriend look again.

I need more tattoos and piercings. Sigh.

SMRT!

2010-11-12T21:57:00.003-07:00

I've been spending a lazy friday, mainly on the computer.

I've been looking up IQ and personality tests because I find them interesting. I just don't understand how drawing a pig can tell you that much about me. Whether or not it has large eyes or four feet.. who really cares? Why does a pig facing left mean optimism, but a pig facing right means realism? Maybe I just like pigs that face left, alright? I drew a pig with a big tail. Apparently that means I have an AMAZING sex life. Well, I'll tell you, my last few hook ups haven't been that amazing my friend. Sure, it's okay, but I've only had mind blowing sex with a few people. I don't think those sexual encounters have subconsciously affected me to draw a huge tail on a pig.

Of course that won't stop me from messing around with more personality tests or anything because I do them for fun. I just feel bad for the people that take those things seriously. Someone sent me something the other day. It was a description of your personality according to what card your birthday corresponded to. I was the seven of hearts. Yes, a lot of the things seemed to describe me pretty spot on, but when I thought about it... how many people have the same birthday as me? How many people are represented by the same card?

These tests make me feel like I'm not an individual - that there are plenty of other people out there exactly like me. Where has the magic gone?

100 Truths

2010-11-12T17:39:00.002-07:00

Here, a little about me.

100 Truths!

1. Last beverage - beer. at the rodeo and then at Duke's
2. Last phone call - Toni just called me to plan our movie date tomorrow night.
3. Last text message - Dino, talking about feeling wonderful.
4. Last song you listened to - Heartbeat by Enrique and Nicole Scher..al23948234 whatever her name is.
5. Last time you cried - during my fight with Dino, so probably about a month ago or so? I don't cry often.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice - yes, and I would do it again. with someone else this time. three times is just silly.
7. Been cheated on? yes, but I didn't care about the person I was dating enough to be hurt. blessing in disguise!
8. Kissed someone? yes, I love kissing :)
9. Lost someone special? unfortunately I've lost a few. only one that's died.
10. Been depressed? yes, but I'm totally out of that stage. luckily.
11. Been drunk and threw up? yes, but I know my limits. I think throwing up after drinking is ridiculous and makes you look like an idiot. I've learned my lesson.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. sunshine yellow
13. pale pink
14. hunter green
15. black

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → yes, that's a great thing about going to university and living in a dorm. I meet tones of new people constantly.
17. Fallen out of love → o, I don't think you ever fully fall out of love. I may not be with the person anymore, but the things that made me love them are still there.
18. Laughed until you cried → yes, last time it was because Dino showed me a photo of an astronaut cat. It's not too hard to make my cry laugh.
19. Met someone who changed you→ I think everyone you have a deep relationship with changes you.
20. Found out who your true friends were → definitely. it's hard to prove to me, but once it's done you're there for life.
21. Found out someone was talking about you → of course, people like to talk about other people. I forgive, but I don't forget.
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → hah. a few.
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → every single one.
24. How many kids do you want to have→ 0
25. Do you have any pets → I have two dogs and a little sister.
26. Do you want to change your name→ sometimes I think yes, but I wouldn't ever actually go through with it. it's weird, but I'm connected to my name. I think everyone is.
27. What did you do for your last birthday? I had two seperate parties. went out dancing and drinking both times. I had a good time.
28. What time did you wake up today → 12.50pm. that's what happens when you stay out late.
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → watching mtv online
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → my birthday in two weeks.
31. Last time you saw your father→ I saw him on skype about a week ago. otherwise it's been about 2 months.
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - nothing. I believe everything happens for a reason. yeah, somethings suck but it makes you stronger and teaches you a lesson.
33. What are you listening to right now → kind of already asked this question.
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → yeah, Morgan's family friend who pretended he was a 12 year old autistic boy.
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → I was going to write "fake people", but I think "liars" is a better term.
36. Most visited webpage -> facebook, not going to lie.
37. What’s your name→ emma
38. Nicknames→ pinky, princess emerella, cinderemma, shmemma, shmems, em, emskies
39. Relationship Status → happily single. waiting for the right person?
40. Zodiac sign→ sagittarius
41. Male or female → female
42. Elementary - Quilchena
43. Middle School → didn't have one
44. High school → Point Grey Secondary
45. Hair colour → RED.
46. Long or short → medium. it's growing.
47. Height → 5’10 giant.
48. Do you have a crush on someone? → not really, no.
49: What do you like about yourself? → I like a lot of things about myself. my sense of humour and ability to make people laugh, for one.
50. Piercings → 6 in my ears, my nose and my...
51. Tattoos → I have two currently.
52. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
53. First surgery → wisdom teeth I suppose
54. First piercing → ears
55. First best friend → this girl named Sara. she jumped on my bed, hit her face, and lost her front teeth. good times.
56. First sport you joined → t-ball when I was wittle.
57. First pet → Juno.. fluffy dog.
58. First vacation→ to England, but I was a baby.
59. First concert - Lotus Child
60. First crush → Jordan Kelly from elementary school. that guy was such a cutie.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → nothing but I'm starving. hopefully that will change once Dino's home!
62. Drinking → nothing
63. Already missing → my family.
64. I’m about to → get food and study
65. Listening to → again, this question.
66. Thinking about→ what I'm going to get for dinner! yum! and whether or not I can go out looking like I am right now without people screaming and running away.
67. Waiting for → Dino

YOUR FUTURE :
68. Want kids? → NO. no thank you.
69. Want to get married? → most definitely.
70. Careers in mind → psychologist, actress

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
71. Lips or eyes → Eyes, I'm not a lips person. I don't like staring at them. They creep me out.
72. Hugs or kisses → kisses
73. Shorter or taller → taller
74. Older or Younger → older by about 4 years.
75. Romantic or spontaneous → both, but if I'd have to choose spontaneous. it's kind of romantic in itself.
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → arms, you see them more often.
77. Sensitive or loud → they're not really opposites. I don't like loud people, but I don't want someone too sensitive either.
78. Hook-up or relationship → relationship, I like stability.
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
80. Kissed a stranger → yes
81. Drank hard liquor → yes
82. Lost glasses/contacts → don't really "lose" them.
83. Had sex on 1st date - .. no? yes. oops?
84. Broken someone’s heart- not too sure about that one. probably. both people hurt in a break up.
85. Had your own heart broken → yes, sucks.
86. Been arrested → almost on a few occasions, but no thank goodness.
87. Turned someone down → yes, but nicely.
88. Cried when someone died → cried a lot. it's how I got some emotion out.
89. Like someone of the same sex - not romantically, no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself - definitely. I'm the only one I can count on.
91. Miracles → no. but I do believe in luck and hard work.
92. Love at first sight → I don't know. Lust? Attraction?
93. Heaven → too cynical for that. when you're dead, you're dead.
94. Santa Claus → what do you mean, do I believe in Santa Claus? I believe in him as much as I believe in the government caring about people!
95. Kiss on the first date? heck yes. let's get smooching!
96. Angels - no. I wish.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → yes, all the time.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → well. kind of. technically.
99. Wish you could change things in your past?→ no, I don't believe in dwelling over regrets. people need to learn to move on.
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → sure.

You Make Me Feel Like I'm Living A Teenage Dream

2010-11-11T00:56:00.003-07:00

loyaltolove.blogspot.com

My new idea. All about finding, enjoying, and losing The One.

Obviously won't replace this blog, but this is a side project. Check it out.

Tell Me What To Do About You

2010-11-05T23:46:00.006-06:00

The situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Something was starting up with Kanye and I again. The late night phone calls, the "it was so great to see you again" text messages, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach when I saw his name on my phone,

and the disappointment.

Always letting me down but making up for it with that gorgeous voice of his. I thought he was done with the excuses and lies, but apparently people really can't change - no matter how badly you wish they could.

We were supposed to have a date tonight. He was going to make me dinner, we were going to watch a movie, and we were going to go for a walk. After our phone conversation the other night where I asked him if he really wanted to be with me, I thought things would be good. And they were... until I woke up.

He didn't talk to me for two days, then calls me today starting the conversation with "you're going to be SO pissed at me...". Not the best way to say hello, but it worked. Turns out he "forgot" we were going to hang out. I told him to call me back when he figured out how important I was to him.

I went to the gym to cool off and talked things out with Dino. I really care about Kanye and I don't want him out of my life, but it could never work between us. We want different things, we have different life styles and expectations, and we're going different places. Last year I blamed timing on us not working out, but now I realize that it never could have worked out, regardless of timing.

It's not meant to be and I hope we can stay friends. I still want to hear that gorgeous voice every now and then.

I'm a little sad, but that will pass quickly. I know that this is right. It feels good. Like this is what was supposed to happen all along and only now am I mature enough to be in this place. I'm being unselfish and that's weird. Usually I hold any romance I can get close to my chest, but now I'm letting it go without a fight.

I'm not scared to be single. I need some "me" time.

Walk Away

2010-10-19T19:00:00.003-06:00

Oh no, here comes that sun again
That means another day without you my friend
So hard to do and so easy to say.

I'm hurt.

Why is that so hard and scary to admit? I feel like I'm in a war. What's that called when neither one will make a move? Stale mate or something? It's like that. I feel like I'm showing weakness and vulnerability by saying something as simple as "you're making me cry lately". I hate this feeling.
It's easier to feel angry than to feel hurt.

And you hurt me.

And you're hurting too.

I hope you know, deep down, that I miss my best friend and that all I want to hear is that you miss me too and that you're sorry.

I Fought The War But The War Won

2010-10-19T01:07:00.006-06:00

Seems like big fights are kind of like roller coasters. Or chemical reactions. Is there going to be a crash or explosion? Who knows. But as long as someone "refuses" to do anything about it, nothing will happen. That's okay. 'Nothing' is good for me right now. I need to cool down. I hear that pounding in my head too - I just get to hear it all day instead of for 5 minutes.

I had a really great day today. I got a lot of my homework done, had a good chat with my mum, and went to the gym. Solo. Walking to the gym I was pretty nervous. I can't find my head phones so I had no iPod. Are people going to hear me breathing weirdly? What am I supposed to look at while I work out? What if all the machines are busy?

Everything worked out. I got a nice hard work out in and I realized that all the good looking men DO hide out in the gym. Particularly this one gorgeous volleyball player... maybe I will start going to the games. Our children would have really long legs. I'm okay with that, as long as we get to try for children many many MANY times.

I'm learning a lesson that I was surprised to find out I needed to learn. I need to start making MYSELF happy. I can't rely on other people a) because they'll always disappoint you at some point and b) because they're busy making themselves happy. It's totally fair, everyone should look out for themselves. That's what I need to do. I've been relying on other people forever. Family, boyfriends, best friends. I like making them happy because it makes me happy. But it seems that they don't always like making me happy. I had a big talk with my mum last night and today, and she said "it's YOUR turn to be happy now". She's right.

I feel like this is something I need to do for myself. I need to stop taking care of other people and start taking care of myself. I want to go work out at the gym. You're busy? Oh, well I'll go myself. I need to get back into my summer workout/ eating routine. I think I can do it. Actually,

I know I can do it.

All this drama has seriously motivated me.

Safe Place

2010-10-18T13:17:00.003-06:00

This is supposed to be my safe place. I was counting down the days until I could come back here. I feel more comfortable in my dorm room than I do in Vancouver.

But I don't want to be here right now.

Last night I lay on Queen's bed and sobbed into her shoulders. I couldn't stop saying "I don't want to be here right now". I'm almost 20 years old, 2 and a half years out of highschool and I'm still having to deal with highschool drama. All I wanted was my mum.

I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what I want to have happen. That's a scary thought. I need to get my life back and make it my own again.

Beaver sat in my room for a good half an hour and talked it out with me, but I still don't know what I need for myself.

This has completely blind sided me. I thought Dino and I had talked this out. I wasn't angry at all anymore and now I'm livid.

"Shmemma needs to fuck off or Tron will dump me". The old Dino I know would have dumped a guy in a second who would make her choose between me and him. The new Dino seems to be seriously contemplating it. I got to hear her say terrible things about me from down the hall instead of to my face.

I flip flop between destroyed and seriously pissed off to the point where I dig my finger nails into my palms.

I hate when people don't talk to my face and talk around my back instead. I hate it even more when people change and you start to not recognize them anymore.

He's putting his mask on her so she can't see anyone else.

I didn't think that was what love was.

Library Blues

2010-10-02T13:58:00.005-06:00

All I do is study.

Yeah, you read that correctly. STUDY.
Last year I wouldn't have been caught dead in a library, but this year... I'm there every day of the week for at least 3 or 4 hours. I'm constantly reading, doing assessments and quizzes, completing assignments, reasearching, or preparing for an exam. Who am I, and what has happened to the old Shmemma?

The truth is, I'm almost 20. I know I'm still young, but I feel like I need to have my shit together. I should have a job, I should have a boyfriend, I should be working out all the time and I should have good grades. Already I'm rarely drinking. When the floor has a party I'm stuck in my room.

Well, I'm working on the job. I'm going to go and apply at this cafe near campus. I'll work a few times a week to get some money and meet some new people. I'm doing my best to work out, but it's hard when my hours are being taken up by studying. I need some "me" time, and it's hard to make the gym that period of relaxation. I'm working on it. All the studying is going towards good grades, so that's being somewhat covered.

Now, the boyfriend.
I had a date last night! We shall call him Business. I was so nervous I was shaking. You see, I feel like he's out of my league. I know - something else to never hear from my lips. He's good looking, he's athletic, he's (very) smart, and he's funny. I'm almost 20 and I don't have my shit together! I can't go near him. Well.. we went for dinner and a movie last night and it went really well. During the date I was sabotaging myself (as always) and questioning whether or not I liked him, but as the date was coming to a close I found myself wishing it would keep on going. I fell asleep listening to sappy love songs and imagining he was there.

I woke up with butterflies in my stomach this morning and it feels amazing.

It even makes going to the library a little easier :)

The Silence Is Slowly Killing Me

2010-09-23T15:06:00.002-06:00

I try to be a good friend. I know the importance of the people in my life.
So don't make fun of me for it.

Especially you.

I don't want to be made to look like a bad friend
"don't worry, you're still a saint in everyone's eyes"

but yours?

That hurts. A lot. I don't understand and now I'm second guessing myself.

Being told that brings down my good mood.

I have a date this weekend and I'm going to try and stay happy because of that, and because tonight Mini Putt is coming to the toga night. But I'm genuinely wounded.

Last Friday Night

2010-09-18T10:24:00.004-06:00

Yeah, we danced on table tops
Took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
Last friday night!

Last night Queefer came up to the city. We drank on the floor (even though I'd said I wouldn't - alcoholism and peer pressure are terrible things) and Dino, Queefer and I decided to go on an adventure. Shorty came with us and we took photos all over residence. It was so much fun! We have photos of us sleeping on tables in study rooms, against murals, and wearing bibs with sauce all over our faces.

Queefer yelled at EVERYONE we passed on the street. She yelled at these guys across the street "YO! PARTY AT MY HOUSE!" and I yelled out "and by her house, she means her snatch!". We pretty much rolled on the ground laughing. We had a really great time. A walk that would usually take 20 minutes took us an hour and a half, but that's the joy of drunken wandering.

We got back to the floor and Tron, Dino's boyfriend, was completely shittered. He kept telling us how "destroyed" he was. He was so funny...

Anyway. I'm extremely hungry and I need to go devour some innocent hung over student...I mean, some eggs.

Water Baby

2010-09-11T18:00:00.003-06:00

I'm a water baby, through and through. If I had the choice between living on land and living in water, I'd choose water every time.

Tonight, Lister has booked the West Ed waterpark for us. It's going to be a lot of fun, but at the same time I'm terrified. It's like yesterday when Dino and I went to the gym - everyone there had beautiful bodies, no one was the least bit overweight. A swimsuit is scary because you can't hide anything when you're wearing it. I feel a lot better about how I look now, but jeezuz... I'm not skinny yet. I'm not at my goal.
This will be a huge challenge for me, but I think I'm ready. I deserve to be there and to have fun, just like everyone else!

We had our first Union night of the year on thursday. It was fun, but it was SO PACKED. You couldn't move. I was very concerned about my drunk eyes apparently, but they didn't seem to matter when I snuck in the back of the club. I also went to the Jenny Craig office in Edmonton for the first time. I'm feeling motivated. I had a big salad for dinner and my JC pasta.

Holy moly I'd post more but it turns out I'm late for the bus to the waterpark and my legs are terrifying.

To Love And Explore

2010-09-06T14:36:00.004-06:00

I am writing this, completely exhausted.
I rarely drink anymore, but I'm figuring out really quickly that that's not the case for the rest of Lister. My partner and I completely murdered Soccer Boy in beer pong last night. This is extremely satisfying because SB has been talking crap to me for a year about how he always beats me. Last night I beat him twice. I sunk almost all the cups too.

So.. HAH! There you have it.

To be honest, I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm just winging it and writing whatever comes to my hung over brain.

I need to stop drunk dialing people. My phone bill will be ridiculously expensive. I called Mini Putt in Hogwarts and that amused me for quite some time.

Last night (this morning?) at 4 I went into my fridge to chug a vitamin water. Too bad I grabbed the one mixed with lots of vodka. Jesus. That was quite the shock to my already messed up system.

Track and I explored Lister last night. We went to Mackenzie, Schaeffer, and Kelsey. He and I lived in Kuwait together and I was good friends with his sister. Such a crazy world that we both end up at the same residence. I haven't seen him in 11 years! He's a cool guy, I'm looking forward to getting to know him more.

Umm.. my room still isn't unpacked yet, but Dino and I made her "special friend" COUGHherboyfriendCOUGH a bachelor pad out in the hallway. It had a road, a dog, a window, a door, some flowers, a chimney (with smoke), and neighbours. He fit right in there.

That's all my brain can really come up with right now. I should go unpack more of my room, but my bed is so much comfier...

Another Year Wiser

2010-09-04T13:13:00.004-06:00

I mean, this year I know that floor crawls are dangerous times and to stay away from gay men that seem to enjoy thrust dancing, but other than that I'm the same old Shmemma.

After taking the summer off of blogging, I'm back. Part of the problem was my lack of internet, but with my shnazzy early 20th birthday present laptop I'm ready to click away and keep you guys updated.

I had a good summer filled with skinny dipping, tourist activies, and christian side hugs. BUT! I am back in residence (sitting on my bed surrounded by boxes, in fact) and happy to be here. I'm home!

The second years moved in yesterday and the freshmen are moving in as we speak and I'm pretty stoked. I feel a little bad for the newbs - last year I was terrified. Excited, but practically crapping my pants whenever someone spoke to me. I'm going to try and be super friendly all the time.

We have 2 new second years on our floor this year. They were from 3k last year. They seem really great so far. At least..one of them does. The other one scares us all.

Anywho, I need to go be social and intimidate the newcomers. There's this one new kid who's about 5'1. My height should scare him alone. Tonight is an insanely huge party night, so I'm sure I'll have something to post.

Still in love with Soccer Boy, and oh yes... he's visiting. He needs somewhere to sleep and I know exactly where he can go.

I Got It From My Momma

2010-06-28T20:20:00.004-06:00

My little sister has been complaining that I'm "too much like our mother" lately. Well, when you sit behind me kicking my computer chair and farting constantly, what do you expect?

It's irritating, but I babysat a 4 year old last week. I learned a few tricks.

Sorry, You Are Not The Biggest Loser

2010-06-26T11:50:00.006-06:00

Unfortunately, gaining weight is easy and losing weight is hard. If only it were the other way around.

I've always struggled with my weight. When I was younger, I thought I was fat. Seeing photos now, I realize that I wasn't fat. I was barely chubby in fact. I was athletic, had muscle, and looked pretty damn good. But it's hard to see that when important people in your life are telling you otherwise.

Back then I was slim and thought I was fat. Unfortunately for me, now I would say I'm fat. Because I listened to all those people and believed them, I started getting discouraged and started eating more to comfort myself. I eat to feel good. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm lonely, I eat. When I'm angry, I eat. So what did I do?

Well, in highschool I stopped eating. Bulimia wasn't going to work for me - I couldn't even make myself swallow salt water to get a day off from school. Throwing up every meal was not going to happen. Plus, I like my teeth. I had another option. Anorexia. The problem for me was that I was a terrible anorexic. I got really hungry, and I'd binge eat. I'd get headaches that I didn't want to put up with. For a solid year I would come home from school and have a nap at 4pm because my head hurt so badly. Yeah, I lost weight. But as soon as I started eating normally again, I gained it all back.

What am I supposed to do? For 2 years, I gave up. I gained a lot of weight ONTOP of the weight I'd already gained. I'm lucky - I'm almost 5'11. If I was 5'6 I would look like the Michelin man. Not the most attractive look.

This summer I made a change. I joined Jenny Craig. I knew I couldn't do this on my own. I wasn't motivated, I was still wanting to snack, and I was still going out and drinking every weekend. It was a lot of fun, but it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. "Well, work out!" you're probably thinking. It doesn't work that way. I was too unfit to exercise properly for any length of time. I'd get tired just walking to the gym.

It's a slow process. I got a personal trainer who I see once a month. I have a work out routine that slowly gets harder. I eat only what Jenny Craig food I'm given, and salads/fruits/vegetables. I don't drink. I exercise a minimum of 3 times a week at the gym, and then 2-3 times outside of the gym. I sleep regularly. I wake up in the morning and eat breakfast (I hate eating breakfast).

I've lost 15 pounds so far, and 12 inches. With the muscle I've gained I've lost well over 20 pounds. It's been really hard. I'm tired of eating out of a plastic container. I want chocolate, and I want a dry martini really, really, really badly. But you know what?

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels"

I'm seeing a change. It's taken awhile for me to see my body changing at all, but I feel good. I'm nowhere near done. I still have 70 pounds to my goal weight.

Yes, 70.

It's a lifestyle change and it's worth it.

The scale will no longer tell me that I am not the biggest loser. And you know what? I'm going to have my photo in a Jenny Craig add and I will have the * next to my weight loss that says "weight loss not typical". If you work hard, you'll get the asterix because you deserve it.

"Fat" will no longer be a part of my vocabulary, starting today.

I Just Wanna Rock N' Roll

2010-06-16T14:19:00.003-06:00

all nigggght, and party every day!

Canada Day planning has begun, 3rd annual partay at my place. I can't wait, it's always such a good time. This year, I'm going bigger than last year - a 3 story beer bong. I've invited Oxymoron, because the animosity is now gone which is a really good thing. We're taking it slow and seeing how things go, but I already feel a lot better about everything since we're not having to be awkward around everybody.

I got my N! And my mum is going away for 3 weeks so my daddykins will drive her car and I can drive his.
Cruising around Vancouver in a mercedes for 3 weeks? Ohhhh yeahhhh.

Also, I went to the zoo and it was amazing.
I'll post photos and stories soon.

A Phone Number Isn't A Marriage Proposal

2010-06-07T16:09:00.006-06:00

We all know that guy (or girl), The Stage 5 Clinger. The person that sends you gooey love messages on your phone 2 minutes after you've officially started dating, and gets all teary eyed when you say you can't hang out the next day.

If only I'd been so lucky.

This guy went above and beyond. He rightfully earned his nickname, The Stage 55 Clinger.

He texted me (at 3 in the morning as I was sleeping) that he wanted to hold me in his arms and talk until the sun rose. I told him he sounded like a hostage taker, and he didn't get it. It gets worse folks! He asked when I was coming back to Edmonton and I told him at the end of the summer, I wasn't sure when just yet. He told me to come back next week because he couldn't wait that long to make me his. Excuse me? I DO NOT KNOW YOU.

If I say anything negative, will he climb up the side of my house into my window and abduct me like on Criminal Minds?!

This is the kind of guy that has hundreds of candid photos of me on his walls that I had no idea he has taken. Shudder.

So last night I'd finally had enough. I had been pretty blunt, telling him he didn't know me and that I wasn't jumping into anything with anyone. He wasn't getting it. So last night, I told him to delete my number and that I wasn't the girl for him. He was moving too fast, and frankly, he was freaking me out.

He told me he had to "go cry himself to sleep". Wow. I told him it's nothing to cry about, he doesn't know me. Apparently he felt that we had a "very strong connection" and that he was only "listening to his heart". Dude, you need hearing aids for that thing.

He kept blubbering and I told him goodluck and goodbye. He said he was going (thank god) then texts me 4 times ten minutes later.

"I didn't really want to say goodbye! I'm so tired of nobody taking the time to know me."
"I'm so sad, I can't stop crying :'("
"I wish you were here"
"Please change your mind"

My response? "Stop. You're making a fool of yourself. I don't know you, go sleep the beers off. Bye."

"Babe, I'm not drunk!!!"

Me, "God help us all then."

Then I turned me phone off.

Holy crap.

10 Things I Hate About... Life.

2010-05-30T17:49:00.003-06:00

There are some things I need to get off my chest. So, here is a list of ten things I hate.

1) Bath bombs that take forever to dissolve.
Okay, so I found this adorable cupcake bath bomb in my closet and I thought "hey, I'm going to take a really nice relaxing bath and put this cute little cupcake in to make it special". Great idea, except I WAS IN THE BATH FOR 2 FREAKING HOURS and the bath bomb STILL hadn't dissolved. Eventually, I picked it up in my hands and crushed it into the bath tub. Cold baths are not fun my friends. I was so pruney, I looked like something you would find in an old woman's fridge.

2) Weak nails. I take a lot of pride in my nails. I spend a lot of money on nail polish, etc. and I like it when my nails look good. I like coming up with designs and I love it when people compliment me on my nails. It's a weird little habit of mine I guess. So when one of my nails breaks, it's a problem. My nails are long, if one breaks the whole hand just looks...stupid.
So, because my nail broke, I had to cut ALL my nails until they were short.
Now it looks like I have fat baby sausage fingers.

3) Rings that make your fingers green. What the hell? That's all I need to say about that.

4) People putting the wrong cd's in the wrong cases. Sometimes a girl just wants to play Sims, but I can't freaking do that when I open the case and Sims isn't there. Sims is like my chocolate - you don't mess with that. When I need Sims, I need it bad. How am I suppose to create a virtual fantasy world if I can't find the disc?!

5) Men in bars that squish you into corners. Back off buddy, I could smell your breath when you were 5 meters away - 5 inches isn't helping you get any of this. You looked cuter from farther away too, now I can see you're sweating and you've got your drunk eyes going on. As I said, back off. You ain't gettin' any of this.

6) This funky smell in my nose. It's from the stuff the oral surgeon put into my mouth for the dry sockets, but I'm getting really tired of this funky ass smell. Everything smells the same, and it smells bad. I'd even smell brocoli at this point.

7) Working out at the gym in a shirt that turns out to be too short. You know that moment when you're doing a sit up on an exercise ball and you look into the mirror infront of you? Well, it's an even worse moment when you look into the mirror and your stomach is showing, along with that roll you were hiding under your pants. Excusseee me, that's not what I want to be seeing thank you very much. I'm trying to get rid of that roll and having it infront of my face isn't making me any happier. Roll, roll, go away. Don't you dare come back another day.

8) Eating out of plastic bowls. Jenny Craig, I love you, I do, you're helping me lose a lot of weight, but I am sick and tired of eating out of those containers. Putting it on a plate doesn't help, because it just makes me focus on the fact that I need 3 times more food to make a proper meal. Fruit is yummy, but I'm sick of it now. I need to keep my mantra in my head- "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels". I've lost 11 pounds now, I'm on my way!

9) I don't know what else I hate. Oh, yeah I do. Stupid secretaries who relay the wrong information. You dumbass, how are you working for a university when the closest you ever got to this school was a rejection letter? It's not hard to pass on information. Do it right, because you've really screwed me over this time. I hate you! You mean, mean person.

10) I hate cats. A lot.
Probably the most out of everything on this list. It should be obvious why, I won't even bother explaining.

What Do You Get When You Put 10 Girls In A Condo on May Long Weekend?

2010-05-24T18:58:00.004-06:00

A total freaking gong show is what you get.

Because we stayed in a friend's condo and predrank, the weekend was pretty cheap and most definitely worth it.

We went up on friday and drove back to Vancouver sunday afternoon. Meow Meow and I made a play list and we had some awesome music for the trip. We drove with the windows down, blasting ''Man, I Feel Like a Woman'' by Shania Twain and singing our hearts out.

As soon as we got to the condo, we started getting ready. The friday night there were *only* 6 of us, so getting ready was pretty easy and we were ready early enough to get our drink on. And did we ever. Cleavage and I realized our birthdays are close together, and we drunkenly decided to have a joint safari themed party. You're all invited. Black Magic was so drunk she couldn't even get her shoes on, and she will forever be reminded of her obsession with men that night. Who knows how many times she pointed and shouted ''BOYS!'', but it was amazing. We got into Buffalo Bill's and she whispers in my ear "Look over there, let's go pick up those guys". While I would normally go through with a plan like this one, the men she was talking about were about 40 years old with beer guts. I was tempted to let her go over and talk to them, but I've had my fair share of beer goggles so I decided not to torture her.

The night was going really well...into Natewoo and I got roofied. Lucky for Nat, she only had 2 sips of the drink while I chugged the rest. Bouncers were speaking with Australian accents (of course, we were in Whistler) and I was so confused I thought I was in the land down under. After asking for Dino 4 or 5 times, I blacked out in the cab. I'm lucky to have such great friends - Cleavage blockaded me on the couch so I wouldn't fall off, Meow Meow broke her nails getting me into my pjs, and Rainbows sang to me about artichokes.

Saturday came round (eventually) and we were all incredibly hung over. We spent the day relaxing and bonding. According to the game ''Things'', I am the scariest thing you can find under your skirt. I agree.

The other 4 girls showed up, and we all started drinking to go out again. Unfortunately, Meow Meow got sick and passed out before we could leave. We put her to bed and made our way into the village. At the bus stop, we were belting out whatever song we could drunkenly remember enough lyrics to. Some 30 year old ugly douche virgin decided to pester us on the bus ride, but we promptly made him hate himself and he left. We ended up at a club called Garfinkles and had fun dancing on the stage. Natewoo and I left early to take care of Meow Meow, and we ended up sitting on the kitchen floor eating popcorn and macaroni. Definitely needed some down time and we enjoyed ourselves relaxing. Meow Meow was up and running and other than a nice bump on her head, she was okay.

Sunday we all slept in a bit and cleaned up the condo. We went to the Mongolie Grill where Cleavage and I drank a record amount of water. We might as well have had ''hung over'' stamped on our foreheads. The food was great, but the company was better.

I had a truly amazing gong show weekend that I don't think I'll ever forget.

Don't pretend, I know you're jealous.

Ps, the tags for this post look like they could be for a porno.
But the girls made me promise I wouldn't show anyone the videos of the weekend, so...

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday!

2010-04-18T22:45:00.007-06:00

We gonna party like it's your birthday!

Goals for Dino's birthday:
--> get a second stripper poster. check.
--> get pretty darn drunk. check.
--> protect dino from drama. check.
--> show your boo- what?

what?

ugh. no no no. bad shmemma. bad bad bad shmemma. I bet my mum rolled over in her bed because she could sense I was doing terrible things.

My first thought waking up on saturday morning after Dino's birthday... ''please say last night was a dream''. I opened one of my eyes a little and saw Queefer sitting on the air mattress with Stoico. Queefer's hair is fancy and Stoico looks as pained as I do to be awake. Crap. So last night did happen.

My heels were slippery and I fell 30 feet down a hallway. My arms were flailing. Queefer said she looked at me and thought ''what the hell is wrong with Emma? how fucked up is she?" and Dino told me she was saying ''YABA DABA DOOOO!" in her head because my feet were moving so fast. But I didn't fall, I somehow survived, unhurt.

Douchebag McGee came last night with Brem. DMG was a freak all night long - hitting on me and FVale, lying in my bed asking if I was going to ''stay and have some fun with him'', and telling me that by the end of the night he bet that he'd have Dino ''wrapped around [his] little finger again''. I called him out, told him he was being a tool and that if he kept his act up, he'd lose Dino.

"I'm not that kind of guy''
''Who what? Apologizes when he's wrong?"
and then he winks at me.

Would you effing stop WINKING at me?! Dino is sitting NEXT TO ME. I was so embarassed.
--
Dino just told Beaver and JRock and she slept with Brem on her birthday... and they high fived her.
I'm confused. What? High fived her?

This is ridiculous.
When I fooled around with English and he had a girlfriend the guilt ate me up. I had nightmares for months. I couldn't even be around her,

and they're high-fiving Dino?

Dino says that this is where my life experience and maturity really show. It bothers me that everyone seems so cool with this.

I'm confused. I don't see why everyone's passing off terrible things people do (like Brem cheating on his girl 3 times in less than a month) and just simply saying ''it's how he is''.

Yeah, it may be how he is, but how he is is BAD. I don't get why that's okay.

It's not okay. At all.

I'm Wondering Why You've Been The Love of My Life

2010-04-11T15:56:00.004-06:00

for so long.

Last night was a bust, unfortunately. I couldn't get Kanye and P out of my head. Every man in sight seemed like a pig, a cheater, and a heart breaker. That guy looking at me? Yeah, stop looking. I know you're a douche. I'm so mean.
My fractured hand was killing me and pain killers + alcohol = bad idea. After half a cooler I gave it to FruitVale because I didn't want to get sick. I LRT'd back to Lister alone (I wanted the girls to stay, Dino really needed a night out) and at 2am Dino, Beaver and I went to the ER. I wasn't willing to wait for 7 hours to hear ''take some tylenol and wrap it up'' so we walked back.

I stayed up pretty late talking to Dino about things going on in our heads. We're both feeling pretty lost.
I feel lonely without Kanye and i'm terrified P and I have no future. Sounds stupid since we're not even talking, but I mean.. I think about him all the time, doesn't that mean he must think about me?

Karmic synergy.. please work.

I'm not looking forward to going home in 3 weeks. I love it here.

On another note, Lines started talking to me again today. We used to hook up pretty consistently, but we haven't talked in 2 years. I know he uses lines all the time, hence the nickname, but I can't help but feel flattered and fall for them a bit.
What's wrong with a little summer fling? ... everything.

Just Lie

2010-04-10T19:18:00.006-06:00

"and tell them you're catching a flight tomorrow morning, that way they'll have to give you your jacket back!"
and it worked. Dino somehow lost her coat check ticket so we had to figure out a plan. In the end, we got her jacket back and LRT'd it back to Lister.

Thursday was the End of the Year Lister Bash and it was a lot of fun. The $10 for the ticket was totally worth it. Broken Ankle came to our floor and predrank with Dino and I, and I went for it. I had a mickey of rum and a bit of vodka left and we polished it off nicely. I'm a light weight now so it hit me hard, but I was perfectly drunk. I could control myself, but I was having a lot of fun. $1 draft and $3 highballs are amazing things.

In the end, Broken Ankle got kicked out (he doesn't remember why) and Princess B got kicked out for falling on his face. Sweetie, Beaver, and J Rock went on the mechanical bull and were amazing! I found a gorgeous boy, but he was soon lost after I walked away. Sweetie and Barney were dancing with older women for a bit and it was great. Sweetie and I two stepped for a while, and he spun me all over the dance floor. All in all, a great night. I had a LOT of fun, but I had a nagging thought in my head the whole time: is this my last Lister party? I have so much fun here, I don't want to go.

Okay.. a little rant. Brem. Dino's ''friend''. I don't like this guy - he cheated on his girlfriend TWICE in one night, didn't tell her, tried to sleep with Dino and didn't apologize. Now he's invited Douchebag McGee to Dino's birthday and THEN texts her saying that DMG has a girlfriend. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!

He is NOT a friend. Friends are supposed to make you happy and protect you. Are you kidding me, Brem? Go eff yourself.

Last night the girls and I watched ''My Sister's Keeper" which was really sad. It made me think about my mum, Oliver, and Dino's mum. Dino had a really rough time, she lay on the carpet and wouldn't watch. I know how she feels, but I wanted her to have some time to herself. My mum almost died in the hospital 3 years ago and that was terrifying. I feel really bad for her, but I know she'll come to me if she needs any help.
I hope Dino knows that we love her and don't need her to act a certain way. It hurts me a lot to think that she feels like she has to act a certain way or I won't like her. She can't let me down.

I'm so pissed off about Brem I have to go. I think I need to have my hand x rayed because it still hurts like a biotch.

Stupid Brem. I'm giving him the ''you're a piece of shit'' glare all night.

The Best Thing About Tonight Is We're Not Fighting

2010-04-07T19:36:00.009-06:00

No, that's a lie.

My mother cannot get off my back. Sometimes, she's amazing and I feel like we're truly becoming friends. She'll book me flights so that I can come home even when I wasn't supposed to, but as soon as I'm physically near her she lashes out and uses me as her verbal punching bag. Why hasn't this stopped? Haven't there been enough broken hearts already? home for a week, I realize why I was so unhappy for 4 years- there is something toxic about my Vancouver life. I fight with my family, luck seems to evade me, and I doubt myself constantly. Must be in the sea air. I'm not as upset as I was last night, but I felt humiliated.
"How come everyone else's children can keep a job?"
Well, actually, I've never been fired from a job. I've discussed with you extensively every circumstance when I wanted to quit, and you agreed.. so don't make it seem like I'm a failure.

Stop making me feel like I'm fat
Stop making me feel like I'm useless
Stop making me feel like you don't love me.

It's not fair to me, and I won't fucking have it anymore. I'm turning twenty in the fall, I'm no longer a child. And even if I was younger, I do not deserve your disrespect. Grow up. We both have learning to do.

Kanye is still in my head. I miss him, but I know he's not the right thing for me. I'm still embarassed, everything he said he was saying to someone else at the same time. It's pathetic and I don't know why I'm the one feeling stupid. Shouldn't he be the one feeling bad? I deleted his number, and I'm sure he's done the same with mine. I won't be getting any apologies from him, I'm sure. I think I only want one as an excuse to keep in contact.

I love the Sex and the City movie. I think it's funny, the fashion is amazing, and everything somehow works out in the end.
Like.. Carrie and Mr Big. I like to think that their story will end up as my story. They break up, stay apart for a few years, but end up together.

I'm looking up at the clouds and begging Paul to be the Mr Big to my Carrie.
Do it! You know you want to.
Plus she has some amazing outfits. I can't get over her white flower dress from the first scene. Holy man. I'd wear that everywhere.

On the way over, the pressure from flying murdered my ears. I was in a lot of pain for 3 or 4 days, but today on my flight I was totally okay! I think it must have been because my nose was blocked due to my cold. I was so nervous, my stomach was in knots. Phew.

I met a cute boy in the airport today. We'll call him Winterpeg. This crazy woman sat next to him and she was ridiculous. She kept asking everyone how long the flight was and complaining about how hot it was. Her voice was terrible, so grating. Winterpeg and I kept catching eachother's eye and trying not to laugh.
Eventually we went and stood in line together and started talking. He's adorable and funny. Did I mention adorable? Yeah. This guy was hot. Lots of tattoos and piercings, but they didnt' weigh his body or face down. They suited him. Unfortunately, he doesn't live in Edmonton. He was catching another flight afterwards to Winnipeg. Who wants to go to Manisnowba anyways?
Come back to Edmonton! Please!
It's just my luck, finding a cute adorable boy who seems interested and he lives somewhere else.
I didn't even bother getting his name or phone number, but I kind of like it that way. This feels... romantic.

Dino and I are doing a lot of homework tonight. I can't wait to get this Directing assignment completely over with. I'm so fed up. I'm so stressed. Finals, moving, finding somewhere to live, and jobs. God. I just need to get through this and not fall apart. I can do it. I can do it.

I can do it.

Love Don't Let Me Go

2010-04-04T15:34:00.006-06:00

Happy Easter!

...from Vancouver.

The surprise was for my father and sisters, my mum flew me home for a week to celebrate my dad's birthday and easter with the family. So far it's been great! I drove down to the beach at midnight with Natewoo, had a girls night, along with a lot of hanging out time with PM and her boyfriend, Klutz. They're so cute together, it makes me miss being held by someone.

A few things to talk about:

Kanye. Stupid, stupid Kanye. He has a girlfriend.

Yup, you read that right. A girlfriend. How did I find out? Facebook.
Thanks Kanye. You just gave me a huge lecture about how you thought I was being immature and childish, you fucking hypocrite. Now I've caught him in a huge lie. He said, and I quote verbatum, "I'm not ready for a relationship". He's got a lot of stuff going on right now, like uhh.. his going to jail. Nah, he didn't murder anyone. He just has some fines he has to pay. Still, jail is a big deal - what are you getting a girlfriend for? All those nights he talked to me until sunrise are now fake and tarnished, because on our off nights he was doing the same to her. Well, great. I'm really hurt. I was really trying to be his friend and this is what I get?

In that case, friends off.

I deleted his number out of my phone and he's off facebook. I can only give someone so many chances, it seems like he was practically begging to be kicked out of my life. He didn't even tell me in person or over a phone call. Facebook, really?

On another note, my hand is fucked up. Like Oxymoron, Midget (my younger sister) doesn't understand how to apologize. Instead she rolls her eyes, acting like a little spoiled brat, and snears. If my hand wasn't fractured, I'd punch her in the face. She punched me with a pillow over her first and shoved two of my fingers on my left hand into the knuckle. This was over 16 hours ago, and my hand still hurts a lot. I can't grip things, and I can't flex my hand. It hurts all the way down to the wrist. Fractured. Great. Everyone, saying "I'm sorry" sincerely can fix a lot of things. I wouldn't be upset if she'd apologized, I know it was an accident, but the second you act like a little bitch you're in my bad books. I'm not being friendly again until she says she's sorry. It wouldn't be a big deal if my hand wasn't hurting me so badly. She's done real damage.

What else... still trying to get back into residence.

And.. I was talking with PM, and she said she believes P and I will get back together one day. There goes my realization that he wasn't the one for me. I'm totally back at square one, lusting after him and dreaming of a future that may be entirely impossible. Oh well, back to being my usual neurotic obsessive self!

There's No Place Like Home

2010-03-29T19:46:00.003-06:00

but what happens when home no longer wants you?

I didn't get back into residence for next year, and I don't understand it. I consider Lister more home than I do Vancouver now, I consider these people a second family. I look out for them, and they look out for me. I hang out in the lounge, I clean up after parties, I'm friends with everyone, I'm not a crazy drinker, and I help people out as much as I can.
I'm on the waiting list. 94th.

It's not going to happen, there are only about 300 open spaces. A third of the people who got in aren't going to drop out.

So.. I'm looking for a place to live next year. Scary. I may not even come back to U of A next year. Everything is so up in the air now, I was really betting on getting back into residence.

I'm devastated, and I'm angry. I got screwed and then bad luck found me too. I just.. don't understand. Some people on the floor are coming back that really don't deserve it, what did I do wrong?

I don't know. I could come back to Schaeffer possibly, but honestly? I'd kind of rather live outside of residence. Schaeffer doesn't seem like any fun at all.

FML. it's a terrible day.

The surprise goes down tomorrow, but I'm no longer in the mood.

It looks like it's going to rain in Edmonton. It's a sad day. Even the sky is crying for me.

My Own Personal Hell

2010-03-28T23:54:00.003-06:00

The table was wobbling all over the place, drinks had already been spilled all over the bench. A pad was stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and that overly gay guy kept screaming that he wanted to ''go shopping with these straight bitches!". The ultra violet lighting was a mistake, I could see way too much history... everywhere. I had a huge drink infront of me, but I wasn't drunk. Not even a little tipsy, plus Dino's hot friend that I was kind of interested in was a total let down. Not attracted to him at all. He cheated on his girlfriend at the club with 2 different girls. Man whore. No thank you. I don't even want to look at that.
How could it get any worse?

Shania Twain started blaring in the background, and about 40 people started singing along.

What did I do to deserve going to hell like this?

It's got to get better. It can't get worse.

I jinxed it, Taylor Swift started playing.

I had to get out of there. The place was disgusting - they decorated the bar by sticking pads all over the place. Everyone in there was trash. Dino stayed, so I cabbed home alone. I was glad to be gone, the people in Buddy's (the bar) freaked the crap out of me. Being from Vancouver, I've met people that are ''different''. The people that frequent Buddy's are freaking aliens.

Kanye and I are a mess. I think. I don't know. We yelled at eachother, I cried, we talked it out.. and we are going to try and be friends. I don't want to be friends, and I'm sad to be honest. It's been 6 months of back and forth and I really care about him. I'd finally allowed myself to fall for him. To trust him.
Okay, friends. I can do friends...maybe. I will TRY and be friends. I won't let my feelings get in the way. I will...try? and not let me feelings get in the way.

On a good note, I realized P isn't the one for me. This is a huge deal! I need to stop letting myself think he was a better guy than he really is. I should be with someone who wouldn't let me go so easily.

I was supposed to go to Mannville for the weekend, but I had this stupid essay to write. Finally finished it today. No sheep washing for me, just yet. Shawna, Dino's mum, was going to buy me easter candy. That's so sweet. I can't wait to meet her. I'm really lucky, all my friends here are so generous. Stoico invited my over for Easter weekend, and Dino's mum invites me out to Mannville. If it was Thanksgiving, I'd make a turkey thank you card. I'll count my blessings anyways.

I have something up my sleeve, and I can't wait to surprise everyone...

Heartbeat Drumming Double Time

2010-03-21T17:39:00.004-06:00

"What are the fat bitches doing out?"
"Is it fat night at the club?"
"Hah! Fat bitchesss!"

Fat.

I got out of the cab and waited for Dino and Natewoo to get out with Shoes. I looked at the club and noticed 4 or 5 people, drunkenly falling all over the place, about to cross the same crosswalk we were. I faced them and that's when they started shouting.

I have never been more humiliated. Now, I know I'm a bigger girl - do you think I don't? It's not something you can live with and not notice. I'm not an idiot, but I'm trying to change things by eating better and exercising. What are you going to do about your arrogance and lack of manners?

I suggest you jump off a cliff. Thanks.

I couldn't help it, I cried.

I walked away and into the club with a blank expression on my face. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, and I wanted to die. I felt my cheeks flame up and I went into shock. The others hadn't heard anything, they were joking around as we walked. I would have been too, but I was distracted by the yelling.

I felt like shit. I barely got in before I needed to sit down.

And I cried. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop. I was disgusted. With them, and me. That's not fair of anyone to do to someone else. It may sound naive, but I was astounded. What had I done to them? I hadn't even looked at them rudely. They saw a weakness and decided to embarrass me by exploiting it. I've never had someone be so mean to me before.

It hurt me so badly because I felt like they were confirming what I feared everyone else thought when they saw me. Natewoo and Dino are ''bigger'' as well, but they're easily on the small side of the scale. They both look gorgeous, can shop at normal clothing stores, and they get a lot of attention from guys. It felt horrible. They tried telling me I was beautiful, etc, but I don't feel it.

But I'm good at faking it.

Everyone thinks I'm so confident and secure, but I'm not at all. Of course I can trick people into thinking I am, look at what I want to do with my life. I'm all about getting into character, and Confident Emma is one of the faces I put on most often.

It stung, they might as well have spat on me. Instead they just whoofed at me, like I was a dog. You'd think I'd have said something or at least looked back at them, but I couldn't. I turned to stone. I've always stuck up for myself, but I was too devastated.

They shot me between the eyes, but I didn't get the grace of dying.

Instead I get to live with their words in my head.

I hate them for making me hate myself, even more than I did before.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

2010-03-16T21:48:00.007-06:00

I passed out at 6.30pm today. It figures, since I barely slept this weekend, but still. That early?! I probably would have slept uncomfortably all night in my bra with the lights on, but luckily Dino came in to grab a caterpillar Thank You card I have. Thanks mum, I knew they'd come in handy.

I was having a great dream. Girls will understand when I say that I had a dream where I fell in love with someone I've never seen or met before. I don't know who he is or if he really exists. He probably doesn't, but as soon as I woke up I looked around for some evidence of him.

Has my sad, dull love life really come to this?! Do I have to find my only romance in night time adventures in my mind?
What happened to the days when a girl with a D cup bra and long eyelashes could get a boyfriend?

Maybe the apocalypse really is coming - this would be the strongest sign so far.

Kanye and I spoke briefly last night, but honestly? It's too late. I've already turned away from him and shut my heart off. I stayed up til the sun rose on Christmas morning to talk to him because his mum was sick, but I call him because someone has died and I get brushed off after 30 seconds. Well, too bad boy. Now I'm brushing you off. It's okay though, if I had to hear his voicemail one more time I would have gone on a murderous rampage.

Dino and I have a competition for next year. Whoever gets the highest GPA for our next year gets something from the other. Personally, I want to make her dye herself blue but she won't do it. Coward! In all fairness, it's because of her job, but I don't care. Seeing her as a smurf would brighten my year. I'll have to think of something better.. suggestions appreciated.
If she wins, her idea (for now) is to make me delete everything P and to never look at his facebook/whatever page AGAIN.
Dino, you cruel, cruel, beast. That means he can never father my children!

The children that I don't want, but whatever. Having children means you had sexy time first. Maybe I can skip the children part.

That reminds me, congratulations to Dino on getting the job she's wanted so badly! And congrats to Beaver for an amazing presentation today.

Congratulations to me for... getting dumped, even in a dream. What have I done lately? Well, my leg fell asleep the other day and I managed to get sensation back while skipping the painful stage of pins and needles. I was actually proud of that.
Still am, now that I mention it.

St Patty's Day tomorrow! I'm going to have one glass of green beer, and that's it. Saint Patrick's Day is never very.. safe for me. Black Magic and I tend to get injured on this dear day. I still have multiple big scars on my hands that'll probably show up nicely in wedding photos. She had to wear tights to our prom because the scars on her knees were so bad. Holy moly.
Dino wants to go pub hopping and grab some wings, we'll see.
I have to have some strength because

NATALIE IS COMING ON THURSDAY!

and you know what that means... crazy time.
She has never experienced partying like this before.

Only The Good Die Young

2010-03-15T19:37:00.004-06:00

I remember seeing you coming down the hallway and thinking to myself ''my God, he's gorgeous'', but never having the guts to say it to anyone but myself.
And you were gorgeous. Blonde hair, beautiful eyes, and a friendly smile that made anyone feel comfortable. You were popular, but I don't think anyone thought you were even a bit of a jerk.
You seemed to live life pretty hard, but now that's not a problem.

Because you died on saturday.

Turns out you had leukemia. Your family didn't even know, it was a shock to everybody. You were a soccer player - athletic, competitive, and strong. How did your body deteriorate like that? I don't understand how someone so healthy, so full of life, could one day have their life turned upside down like you did.

It must have been so scary for you. My dad says you were probably exhausted all the time. As an athlete, that would kill me. I can't even begin to think about how you felt. Were you scared? Knowing you were so young and only had weeks to live?
One day you had your entire life set out before you. The next, doctors are telling you you have less than a month.

You didn't get to grow up. You never experienced falling in love, having your heart broken, getting married, having children, being a grandparent. And you won't get to. Because for some reason, you weren't meant to grow up.

You'll never take another shower, you'll never call your mom again, you'll never sink into the pillows on your bed and hope for sweet dreams.

Because you died saturday.

How did you die?

I don't understand and it's really screwing with my head. I've taken so much for granted and I feel guilty. This has shaken me, really badly. I feel like I need to apologize, but I'm not entirely sure to who. To God? To my family? To my friends? To myself?

I'd love to say that my entire outlook on life has permanently changed, but all I can promise is that I'll try.

I'm so sorry you never got to experience what I've taken for granted.

I'm so, so, so sorry.

RIP Oliver Matthew
you didn't deserve to go this early.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Sailor's Life For Me

2010-03-12T14:14:00.007-07:00

Last night there was a nautical themed ''ship night''. Main floor of Lister there is a sport's bar, sans alcohol, where they sometimes throw parties. The girls convinced me to get dressed up, so Dino and I were sailor's while Beaver and J-Rock were pirates. We made a sexy crew.
I was wearing a pencil skirt with a white tank top underneath, bright red lipstick, and a sailor's hat. Dino was rocking her Halloween sailor costume (which has come in handy lately) while the sexy pirates were wearing short shorts, pirate hats, and fishnets.
Ship night sucked. After downing a drink, we headed off to Union with a bunch of the boys. We had our free drinks and got our $10 and cabbed to Champs (down the street from residence). Everyone was dressed up and it was awesome! Plenty of mermaids, sailors, lifeguards, and pirates.
We split a teamer and holy man. Beer just does me in every time. I hung out with T Swift for most of the night and it was a blast.
This morning, however, was not so much fun.
My head STILL hurts. Those stupid new pink curtains didn't help at all either, the light was just killing my eyes.

Kanye called me twice last night, but I didn't have my phone on me. He left a voicemail saying he's sorry he's been a jerk and that he saw I'd called and if I'd hear him out, he'd like to talk about it.
What the hell?! It makes it a lot easier to be mad at a guy when he's not being sweet and mature.
Dino made me promise I wouldn't call him, so I didn't.
I'm not sure what to do.

So, all in all, I had a great night for FREE. I love university and Edmonton.

I need more noodles.

I Just Want To Be Sedated

2010-03-10T20:52:00.004-07:00

Last semester I didn't do well in school, thanks to my friend Swine Flu. This semester I'm really having to kick it into high gear so that I don't get on academic probation - very embarassing.
I'm doing really well in my Play Analysis class, decently in English, and pretty well in Sociology. My first midterm for soc was good, but I knew I could have done better. I just didn't start studying soon enough. This time I've been studying for a week and I think I can ace it. I'm just nervous. I'm going to get a good night's sleep and that should help.

Still freakin' nervous though.

Gagsalot is having a rough time, but I don't no how to help anymore. I've given all the advice I can, now all I can do is be there for her which I will do until the end. It's what a good friend does - seems some people in my life don't know the defintion anymore.

Drunken text messages do not a good friend make.

On a side note, i did a great job shopping for groceries with Dino and Beaver today. Only $30 for about 2 weeks worth of groceries! Usually I just buy everything in sight. I'm growing up.

On a side note, I can't wait to go back to camp as a counsellor for another year at camp.

I Jinxed Myself

2010-03-09T21:01:00.001-07:00

First ''time of the month'' for me in three years.

THREE YEARS.

I jinxed myself.

Your Stomach Hurts? Well, My Uterus is Cramping.

2010-03-09T13:13:00.003-07:00

Fathers, brothers, uncles, boyfriends, and male best friends alike can agree that having a female in your life who is PMSing can be a terrifying experience.

As a girl I get to enjoy the emotional roller coaster (once I fell down the stairs sobbing because my sister's dog ate my favourite flip flop), but living in residence I'm getting to empathize with the guys' side of things.

I live down a hallway with 15 other girls. A little science for you all - when living in close proximity, girls tend to get the same ''that'' cycle.

Now, imagine.. 15 girls PMSing at the same time. Girls can be bitchy anyways, but I'm starting to think the building may be burned down accidentally during a bra burning feminist revolt.

As Dino maniacally screamed today "THE BIRTH CONTROL IS TAKING AWAY MY HORMONAL CRAZINESS!" from the bathroom stall, my mind wandered...

are we safe or should I get a fire proof blanket?

Oh I Had A Lot To Say, Was Thinkin' On My Time Away

2010-03-08T15:57:00.002-07:00

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds.

It's been a long time! The past two months have been filled with a lot of fun stories, but also a few lessons.

Lesson #1 - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Second chances are good things to give people, it shows that you can forgive and forget (or at least pretend to forget). Sometimes it's really hard to forgive people when they've hurt you badly, but time heals most pain and eventually a neutral stance can be reached. For me, I no longer wanted to stomp my stilettos into J's ball sack, causing him excruciating pain. I've forgiven him for what he did way back in highschool, but it turns out that he still lacks the same maturity he didn't have back then. It is pretty pathetic to blame other people for all of your problems, it shows that you have no sense of responsibility or self respect. So, good luck J. I hope you find a woman dumb enough to believe all the crap you spew. I, on the other hand, am just proud of myself for finally being able to forgive someone that I never thought I'd be able to speak to again. I guess I'm growing up a little. Doesn't mean I'll ever forgive Oxymoron though, she fucked that one up royally.

Lesson #2 - "Beware of straight guys pretending to be gay guys."

You think a guy in a gay bar rubbing up against you begging you "spank me! spank me!" would be gay, right? Well, it turns out that isn't always the case. Dino was wearing a sailor outfit which got us a lot of attention. Usually a good thing, until the creepy straight guys realize you're not in fact lesbians, you're just two straight girls dancing together. Damn it.

Dino had this weird lanky ginger guy with gross facial hair, and I had a short but nerdy looking guy who enjoyed trying to put his hands up my dress without my noticing. He was kissing my neck and it felt like he was trying to fill my ear canal with spit so I couldn't hear all the lame pick up lines he was using. He really showed his charm with "I've been watching you all night, I think you're gorgeous'' and ''you've been keeping me hard for hours [insert slight thrusting here]". This guy was so creepy that I found myself missing my good friend The Ass Raper from my first gay bar experience. Watch out ladies! A little tip - pretend you're lesbian. Do it for your sanity and safety.

Lesson #3 - "Real women drink beer."

Personally, I love beer. The only problem is the calorie count. My right arm is starting to look like it's carrying a child somewhere between my bicep and my elbow. Not so attractive.

But think about this, ladies. Even if you don't drink a lot, you can easily spend $40 dollars going to a club or bar and getting drunk. By the end of the night with cab rides, midnight snacks, and cover you can be down $80. Personally, I'd rather buy a new pair of shoes or a handbag instead of spending all my money on something I won't feel the effects of after, other than a pretty heavy hang over the next morning and most likely embarrassing photos on facebook.

Beer is cheaper! Plus you'll never know what sexy guy is admiring your beer pong skills until you give it a try...

Addicted to Ink

2010-01-20T20:34:00.002-07:00

I've gotten my second tattoo.

My tower has a competition called King Louis, and if you get a tattoo you get like..a bagillion points. A free tattoo? You know I'm in.

It's on the top of my foot, and no matter what people say, I love it. Yeah, it was spontaneous. That's half the fun of life - let loose, relax, chill out. It's on my foot, not yours.

I have to run, dodgeball match (God, I love university...) but I will post a photo and everything else soon.

x!

After Years of Pretending, I'm Finally Legal

2010-01-20T19:59:00.003-07:00

At least everywhere in Canada I am. United States - I'm coming after you next.

I was back in Vancouver for the holidays and I needed a big party. Afterall, I am Emma Hoskins. I pride myself on throwing awesome parties.
About 20 of us went to Sip Resto lounge downtown and since it was my birthday I had a $100 dollar tab.. which was fun, to say the least.

After a failed muff diver (I couldn't do it at all, I just got covered in cream then I had to cheat with my hands.. embarassing) and a double shot of flaming absinthe (oww..) we headed over to Venue. We met up with a bunch more people there. We pretty much took over, it was fabulous.

Random people love pulling my clothes to the side and reading my tattoo it seems. I love it when drunk people run their finger along it so they can follow the words. This wonderful girl we ran into told me her fiance wanted me, if she wasn't in the picture. Awkward, but flattering. She was really sweet and introduced us to the owner of Venue.

A couple things, folks: your past catches up with you at the most random of times. Lets call this guy English. English and I saw eachother on and off throughout the last couple years of highschool. Thing is, he had a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a bad person and it wasn't the right thing to do. It was a decision I would take back, but it's more complicated than it seems. In any case, I told his girlfriend and they broke up.

He showed up at Venue. Alone. Suspicious? Eveera thinks he was there because he missed me, but who knows in the end. People are confusing. I got very drunk and had a great night. Hooked up with a friend of mine, Ireland, and that was..fun. Haha! Isn't it always? I loved seeing everyone, and by the end of the night there were 6 of us who danced together until 3 in the morning. Natalie and I passed out at about 4 in the morning.

A very successful birthday.

The next morning we made our way over to Meow Meow and Farrellkins' place for a christmas brunch. We exchanged secret santa presents and I can't stop wearing the bracelet or belt Farrellkins bought me. I wear them almost every single day.

I have a few confessions. I didn't only hook up with Ireland the night of my birthday. Shortly after new years we did too, oh my! Another notch in the bed post, right? The juicy details will stay with me though...

You think I wouldn't want anything to do with English right? Well, you're in for a treat... he found me out and we'll see how things go...

xx

The Ninja Lies in Wait

2009-11-30T01:08:00.003-07:00

This is really overdue, all I'm gonna say.

November 2nd is a monumental day. What happens on November 2nd you ask?
THE TWINS CELEBRATE THEIR BIRTHDAYS!

Last year I got Eveera a diamond ring with a bagillion (5) diamonds on it. I had to step it up. I told her her present was coming in the mail,
and it did.

Kind of.

That weekend I hopped on a plane back to Vancouver. After sneaking up on PM, I pulled another mega ninja attack.

As the elevator doors opened with the twins in it, I surprised them!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWINS! The looks on their faces was priceless. Then I surprised Farrellkins in her apartment. Overall, it was really fun.

Lots of girls nights, hanging out, and going to bars. I had a great time.

Sorry I'm so boring, I haven't really slept in 2 days. I'll go get on that.

Tomorrow's mission : Christmas shopping at the West Edmonton Mall. aka Hell.

I Am Such A Man

2009-11-23T05:34:00.003-07:00

when it comes to relationships.
Not in a Lady Gaga ''no, I really am kind of a man'' way (she's gorgeous, but the whole ''my boyfriend likes to stroke my nub'' thing freaked me out a little, not gonna lie).
-
I'm in it for the chase, as soon as I know I have you I'm bored. I plot and scheme to get you to say ''I'm yours'', but as soon as you say it I'm gone.
It's terrible.
-
I'm kind of possibly a little bit maybe seeing this guy. We'll call him Kanye. He was easy to snag and at first it was really nice. He calls me all the time, says he misses me, talks to me about his friends,
-
but now I'm FREAKING OUT.
-
He told his mum about me! She wants me to visit her in Red Deer at christmas and meet the family! He wants to take me to the Calgary Zoo!
HOLY BANANAS WHAT THE HOO HAH HAPPENED HERE?!
-
I'm feeling overwhelmed. I thought I wanted a relationship, but I'm just not feeling it. When I'm next to him I'm all for it. Well, when we're making out I'm all for it. But before and after that it's like ''eep. I don't think I'm that into him.''. My brain keeps telling me that I want him as a hook up. I want to remain friends! But I don't think that's possible. He seems really into me and I know he's a relationship kind of guy.
-
Why am I such a cold, heartless beast?
-
I should be thinking about him, but I'm thinking about other people instead.
-
I'm a dick.

May My Heart Rest In Peace

2009-11-16T17:42:00.004-07:00

You're out getting high, I'm here pretending I'm in love

My last post was angry, sad, resentful.

heart broken.

Paul has been a huge part of my life for the last 4 years. For someone as emotionally selfish as myself, loving someone that much and giving so much of myself is a huge deal. But I needed to get away. He needed to get away. He's got a new girlfriend and a new life that I can't fit into. And to be totally honest - I have a new life too, and he doesn't belong here. In a perfect world we'd be living together like we'd dreamed and everything would be rainbows and bunnies, but in reality things don't always go as you'd planned.

I'm finally starting to realize that that's okay.

After telling Paul that I had been pregnant I had a really good cry. A really good long cry. By the next morning I was void of emotion and that was what I needed to talk to Paul and say goodbye properly.

In the past when we've parted ways it's been angry, and that in itself gave us a reason to start talking again in the future. I needed us to be neutral so that we'd have no more excuses to crash into each other's lives anymore.

I called and asked how he was doing. He wasn't doing too well, but that's okay. He needs to start feeling a bit of what I felt when I was alone and scared. He needs to start seeing what I did for him. I wasn't all talk - I really would have done anything for him.

By the end of the conversation, everything that could possibly be said was said. I didn't cry, I didn't yell. I was caring and mature. I apologized, he apologized. And I wished him luck.

I know some people think I should message Paul's girlfriend and let her know what's been happening. At one point I was going to do just that, but that's not my place. When it comes down to it, his girlfriend hasn't wronged me in any way. It was Paul that hurt me, it's not my right to break her heart. That would be vindictive and evil, and I'm no longer the kind of person that would do that.

Paul was the last tie I had to my old self, and I feel...relieved. Don't get me
wrong, I already miss him and I've already cried to multiple friends on the
phone about it, but the consensus is that it was the right thing to do and I'm
finally free.

We both are.

Ps I really hate how my blog won't let me space out my paragraphs anymore.

With You, It's Always Midnight

2009-11-14T22:44:00.006-07:00

are you blind? can't you see me standin' here waiting in line for you

are you mine? not just when you want to be, but all of the time

are you blind? dont you see me standin' here, wont you tell me what it is im waiting to find

you're right, i must be crazy

but i'd rather be crazy than right tonight

Paul messaged me on facebook out of the blue today. It was bizarre, because I'd had a dream about him that night and I hadn't done that in a long while. It was a creepy coincidence.

We ended up talking on the phone and it was pretty bad.

"What do you want, Paul. Honestly."

"I want to be civil to you."

"I'm civil to the people I see in the elevator, why take all this trouble to have me be an unimportant part of your life?

"I don't know."

I DONT KNOW.

Well great, thanks for coming back into my life for some unknown reason. Thanks for letting me know you still think about me, and that you regret what happened.

The ball was in your court and you fucked up.

You cheated on your girlfriend, you lost a good friend, and hopefully you always regret what happened.

I told him I didn't believe his apology. He told me that he never cared for me as much as I cared for him and that really hurt. But you know what? It's true. In a weird way it was good to hear it from his lips.

He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that it was probably best for me to take him out of my life completely, for good.

We said goodbye.

I cried in my bed for awhile, then Comet and Gagsalot came in.They cuddled me and it helped. I just needed some physical contact. Then I texted him...

"You know what? I can tell you this now that we're saying goodbye forever. November of 07 I was pregnant. I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to protect you. You say you feel guilty, well I live with it every day. At least you get to forget about it."

I'd never told Paul because I wanted to save him the guilt and stress that I'd gone through. I dealt with it alone and only told my friend Sus when it was all happening. Because I would have done anything for him and because I didn't want him to leave.

He ended up leaving anyway.

Paul got emotional on the phone and told me I should have told him. He said he wouldn't have left, he would have dropped everything and come to be with me. ''It would have lead me right to you''. Bull shit. He's pinning this on me and making me feel like I was the one who did everything wrong.

Wrong. You're the one who left me alone. So fuck you.

I was going to tell your girlfriend what you did, but I held off. I'm too hurt right now - but you'd better fucking watch yourself.

You do not fuck with me. No one fucks with me. And I'm tempted to make you hurt just as much as I have.

Don't think you can randomly waltz into my life and make me feel like shit again.

I will ruin you.

Lessons Are Important Mes Amis

2009-11-05T14:33:00.006-07:00

I hope you all had as amazing of a time on Halloween as I did!
But those stories are for a little later.

I had a revelation last night.
I was thinking about Soccer Boy and you know what? He's not that nice. Well, he is, but he still has those boyish qualities that make him a bit of a dick. He flirts with me constantly, but when an opportunity to hang out arises he's nowhere to be seen.
So I asked myself the same question I've been asking for the last 3 years. ''My name is Emma ______, where are my balls?!".
I don't chase boys. I used to, but honestly..if I'm having to chase them, they're not worth it. I'm mature enough to see that now. So ladies, take it from someone who has learned the lesson at least 8 and a half times: if a guy's running, it's not because he wants you to follow. He wants to get the fuck away from you.
So.. bye for now Soccer Boy. Maybe I only liked you so much because you reminded me of P. I hope that's not the case, but it's a definite possibility.

OKAY.

Story time from Halloween.

I am introducing someone new into the blog today. We shall call him Ninja Turtle.

Ninja Turtle helped me sew my costume and was incredibly flirty. I'm not crazy! Gagsalot saw and confirmed my suspicions. For the rest of the night he was constantly near me, touching me, or talking to me. Near 1am (about 7 hours into our partying, we're beasts) he started leaning on me and practically lying ontop of me. Sure, it felt nice, until someone mentioned his GIRLFRIEND.

Umm... GIRLFRIEND?!

F*ck. You know what? Screw the *. FUCK!
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

The guilty look on his face was pretty hilarious, but still. Girlfriend. I'm not playing that game again, I learned that lesson already. See? People, lessons are important.

That way you don't stalk boys or sleep with guys that have girlfriends.

;) I am a cauldron of knowledge.
(do you like the Halloween reference?)

For Halloween we had a floor crawl, but I learned my lesson (ANOTHER LESSON!) the first time. I stuck with my own alcohol...

...except for some Cariboo Lou.

Now, this shit is delicious but DANGEROUS. Seriously. Hide your debit card, cell phone, and laptop before drinking this stuff. You cannot taste any alcohol whatsoever and it will fuck. you. up. What's in it? 151, malibu rum and pineapple juice.

You know how I am about my malibu and pineapple juice. Of course I had to try it.

After sipping 2 of these, I realized that I could have no more. I wasn't feeling sick at all, but give me on more and I'll probably fall off the edge. I'd rather remember Halloween, thanks. This mix is so famous for being dangerous that Tech N9ne RAPS ABOUT IT. Yeah. Ok. See, that's hardcore. I'm not going to quote the lyrics, even though I'm tempted, because they are rude and involve... err... people having too much fun.

After the Cariboo Lou I probably wasn't as firm as I would have been sober, so he ended up leaning on me a whole bunch more. I didn't stop it really, but I knew that I wouldn't make a move and if he did I'd be out of there in a second. We ended up sitting in the lounge until about 3am with my head in his lap, talking. It was nice. While there's definite chemistry there, I think we might be able to be just friends.

And last night I had my head in his lap (on a pillow) while watching Troy. Again. Oops.

Nothing's going to happen, so I'm not worried.

Halloween was crazyyy. Kurtis dressed up as spiderman (I was a black widow spider! We were married in a weird, weird, way) and near 2am he found some rope and hung upside down in the stairwell. Now, this would be horrible if it were anyone else, but Kurtis is a genius. He's an engineering student, and while he gets the most drunk out of everyone, his brain is still intact. Who knows how. It was hilarious.

Some people from my floor and I were waiting for a cab to go to a club (we ended up not going) but we were getting bored, and we were drunk, so we needed something to do. So..we found a cop car and danced/sat on it... and took photos. No, the cops were not in the car, and no, they weren't nearby. Thank goodness.

Gosh, there are so many stories from that night. Comet found a boy that likes geckos just as much as she does, and I think she was going to jizz all over her creepy clown costume. Gagsalot was flirting with danger, aka Dan Vano, and I nearly pissed my pants from laughing so hard. You'd have to meet him to understand. Let's just say it wasn't the proudest moment in Gagsalot's life. Proudest in mine though...

On another note, we won in dodgeball last night! We've been so close to a win for awhile and we finally got one. It felt great, 4k, 4k, LET'S HAVE FUN! The chant finally worked. SCHA-WING!

We watched Jackass with our floor the other day and decided to do some of our own stunts... garbage can jousting in shopping carts, then while running; shopping cart jumps; and shopping cart bumper cars. Videos on facebook, maybe youtube soon. Lots of blood and bruises, but it was so much fun.

Paranormal Activity is the freakiest movie I've ever seen in my life, hands down. We sat in the second row because we were late. I have bad motion sickness. I get sick in the car almost everytime we drive somewhere. Even when I'm driving sometimes. I ended up spending the whole movie with my head between my legs and I was STILL terrified. I watched it online with Gagsalot later and man. Seeing it adds a whole new dimension. What I imagined was a bit scarier, but seeing it makes you believe it more. The ending in the online version sucks though.
...as I wrote this, the cleaning woman outside knocked on my door. Holy crap.

I'm a dork, so I'm seeing the movie again in theaters tonight with this super cute guy named Will that I met on the first day. He's the first person I ever met At the U of A! Potential?

Cmon, you're not surprised that I like 2 or 3 guys at once, don't even pretend to be shocked.

I love you guys, and thanks so much for the support!
I hope you had a great week. I love all your Halloween photos.

Sex At 3am Isn't Good Unless It's Me Doing It

2009-10-30T20:53:00.003-06:00

So last night I was excited that I would finally get a good nights sleep.

But I was wrong.

Just as I fell asleep, I hear *thump thump*. I wake up. I pick up my snow boots and throw them at the ceiling. The thumping stops.. for about 15 seconds, then starts again. HARDER.

Ok, person above me.. your girlfriend's head rhythmically hitting the wall woke me up.

I went out to the lounge and hung out with Chris and a cooler. We watched sports highlights and the comedy network until 5.15am when the thumping stopped. At about 4 I went upstairs into the hallway where the sexers were and knocked on the door. The moaning was so loud, I'm surprised everyone on the floor wasn't awake. They stop and I hear ''shit, what was that?" so I booked it back to my floor.

Oi.

Other than that, we decorated the lounge today. People bought decorations so now we have hands coming out of the elevator, chalk body outlines, cobwebs, bloody hand prints, caution tape, and balloons everywhere. It looks AWESOME. We even have a creepy sounds soundtrack that goes for an hour straight.

I'm planning on getting rowdy. Emma Hoskins rowdy, not average person rowdy. I'm allowed to let loose, but I won't throw up this time. It's another floor crawl, but I'm sticking to my own liquor.

Gagsalot is teasing her hair to test out what it'll look like tomorrow, and I'm really excited. I think it's going to look fabulous. She looks like a wind blown model, while I'm going to look like spider trash.

Nice.

Happy Halloween everyone!

PS Natewoo is coming in exactly a week. I can't wait.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

2009-10-28T00:50:00.005-06:00

I don't think anyone can honestly say they hate being in love.

I miss that feeling of being completely intoxicated by someone... in a good way.
Not in a ''I'm a stalker and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HAVE A SHRINE!" kind of way.

I was with him for nearly 2 years. I know I'm young, but I truly loved him. To be totally honest - I'm a selfish person. Yeah, I care about the people in my life and am fiercely loyal, but I know that over all I must come first. It takes a lot to get into my thoughts and even more to get into my heart. The people in my life understand that they're lucky to be there, because not a lot of people are in the same position. This isn't bragging, it's being honest. I'm picky, and I don't trust people easily at all. You're really special and amazing if you're in my life and I let those people know all the time.

So I know that I loved him. I would have done anything for him. Anything. I was so stupid to think that my fairy tale ending really would happen. It seemed like it was so close.

After a year of not talking, he told me he thought about me every day and still cared about me. That he knew one day we'd be together.

While lying on his chest in a park during a rain storm (possibly the cheesiest place ever, but it was magic) I asked him where he think we'd have been at that moment if we hadn't parted ways the year before.

''We'd be living together.''

And you know what? We would be.

we should be

I can't lie,

I'm still as in love with him as I was the first time I saw him.

(I miss you every day, and it doesn't look like that will ever change)

I Am Cryin', Over You. I Am Smilin', I Think Of You.

2009-10-27T03:52:00.006-06:00

Waking up pressed against you was a religious experience. The way your skin smelled and tasted after sleep sent tingles straight into my lungs that nearly suffocated me in the most pleasant fog of consciousness. I dream of your fingers running through my hair and your lips grazing the base of my neck.

You changed because I made you realize you couldn't love the way you were. But you changed too late.

How did you forget what we were like? How did you forget that I believed in you?

I cry for you all the time, but I cry because of you more. You take my breath away.

Oh god, the way your skin smelled...

If you aint here I just can't breathe. There's no air, no air.

N1H1 is for Losers

2009-10-26T20:56:00.003-06:00

Doctor: "Miss, you have swine flu"
Me: "*fuck* Thanks."

Swine flu isn't funny. Before I joked about it. "Ahh, you'll get swine flu! Haha!", but now that I've experienced the virus it ain't funny. At all. God it was hell. So that's why I haven't updated. I've been dying!

This weekend my floor had a bbq. It was really fun, actually. A bunch of people made 40+ burgers and hot dogs (remember, I have 40 people on my floor) and some people made salad and perogies. Other people bought chips and pop. Then we watched Shoot Em Up and hung out for a few hours. It was really relaxed and I brought my Pier 1 Import into the lounge. Lots of the guys tried it out and agreed that it is magic on your behind.

Tehehe.. boy that I'm practically in love with moved from across the room to sit next to me. I'm happy deluding myself that he moved because of me, so don't pop my bubble. He sat in my chair and when I sat back in it it smelled DELICIOUS. I sunk into it a little deeper. God that boy smells amazing. I was sipping on my coolers I bought and slowly sitting on his lap and ravishing him was becoming a smarter plan. Luckily I held off.

Then a few of us watched the 1989 VHS of the New Kids on the Block first album tour video. It was amazing. We're going to learn the dance to ''New Stuff'' or whatever it's called. The Right Stuff? Something Stuff. It was the funniest thing I've seen in ages. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile.

I bought a whole bunch of stuff for my halloween costume! I'm being a black widow spider - I eat men for breakfast. Even if you try and copy my idea, your costume won't be as awesome as mine. I have it ALL planned out.

We're doing a floor crawl for halloween.. I'm a little scared. I think I'll just stick to my own alcohol. And then I'll take advantage of the boy. Tehehe.. that would be wrong. But so, so, so right! For me.

I'm rearranging my room. Last night from 12-2am I moved all the furniture around. This is a lot tougher than it sounds. I've been sick and barely eating for 5 days so I was weak, and the furniture is at least 250. AT LEAST. But still, I did it. Photos when it's clean and finished.

Sorry I'm not funny guys, swine flu took it all away right now.

Stay safe, and wash your hands you dirty fuckers. If anyone re infects me.. you'll be dead by morning.

Let's Clear The Air

2009-10-20T14:21:00.007-06:00

Because really, I don't want to be fighting with one of my closest friends over you. We have no other fights except for over this stupid drama. So I'm going to clear the air, and put it all out there because apparently you're reading this.

You hurt me. Devastated me. Made me feel (almost) the worst I've ever felt. I used to tell you EVERYTHING. I never left anything out. I was having a really fucking hard time. I was fighting a battle against drug addiction and alcoholism that was much larger than anyone had ever guessed. I'm fine now, but at the time I wasn't. And you know what? I can admit that I was an alcoholic and did a lot of drugs because I had the personal strength to change and break the habits that I'd been living with, and I'm REALLY fucking proud of that. It might be the most important thing I've done in my entire life.

But while I was fighting that, you sometimes made me feel bad about it. I'd say I didn't want to drink, that I couldn't handle being around alcohol.. but there would be a party on and you didn't want to go alone. Sure, sometimes I wanted to go. The times I'm thinking about were when I didn't want to go, and I went along anyway. For you. Because I LOVED YOU. I cared about you like I'd cared about no one before, I didn't even care about Paul that much . Yet you'd get shit faced. You'd wreak of alcohol. Do you know what this did to me? I'd come home early from parties and I'd cry into my mom's lap because you wouldn't be sober for me. Not one of my friends understands what it's like to battle addiction and I get that. But I talked to you about it. You were there when I fessed up to it for fuck's sake! Your hugs and support meant more than anyone's.

You could have juggled having a best friend and a boyfriend. Yeah, we had that really shitty fight in November and I feel bad about it. We sorted through it though and I thought that meant things would change. But they didnt. They got worse. You fucking sucked on his fingers while I was practically throwing up while lying on his lap. What. The. Fuck. It's RUDE. It's DISRESPECTFUL. Sure, he's your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you can be obscene in public. This isn't just me feeling this way, by the way. I'm not going to make you question who your friends are, but don't ignore these words. Sure, it's the 21st century but that doesn't mean what you were doing is appropriate.

I felt really hurt and thrown aside. You'd come over and text under the dinner table (which really insulted my mum, by the way. She noticed. That hurt me too.) or you'd be on msn the whole time. Yeah, we had times where we'd both been on our computers. That's fine, I really enjoyed just relaxing like that. I'm talking about the times I just wanted to hang out with YOU, not your long distance boyfriend.

You jumped into that relationship really quickly and I get it. You love him. That's great.. but why couldn't you love me too? You may say you did, but I think you know deep down that I'm not being crazy.

It wasn't all bad. We had amazing times. Sometimes I still go through old photos because I miss them. But we've changed. I have the urge to call you up and cry to you about what goes on, because sometimes I still need you. I still need that connection we had. I loved you like a sister and soul mate. I think we could have been best friends for life. I wanted you to be in my wedding party, I wanted you at my 80th birthday party, I wanted you to send me letters at university. Our friendship wasn't fake. I need to apologize for communicating with you in September. I was homesick and wanted to reconnect, but now I see that that was a mistake. It's not meant to be, because to be honest.. I feel like I've changed more than you have. After I helped you that night you were super fucked up, you didn't say thank you. I had to tell someone to tell you to thank everyone else and apologize because they thought you were being rude. Instead you sent me a nasty email and got your boyfriend (who had nothing to do with this event) to send me another nasty email 2 MINUTES later.

Great, you made me cry a whole lot.. Hopefully it made you feel better, because now it empowers me. I still have those emails. When I feel my fingers itching to dial your phone number, I remember those emails and read them. You hurt me, and I'm scared you'd do it again. I think you'd do it again.

It's still awkward when I see you, but I try and act normal. Sometimes I wish I could run over and hug you, and sometimes I wish I could just leave so I wouldn't have to be near you. It's hard for me, it feels like my feelings flip flop every few seconds.

Even just writing this makes me want to call you. But I can't. I've had too many talks with too many family members and friends to do that. I'm growing up. I'm living my life. It sucks that I had to move away to do it, but it's good for me. I'm making new friends and I won't run into you accidentally. It sucks that it has to be this way, but it does.

Yeah, I'm slowly moving on. It takes time. You broke my heart. I broke yours. But I did it for ME, and I'm the most important person in my life. You said super nasty things to me when you were drunk and I won't ever forget them. Best friends don't tell best friends that kind of stuff. You mocked me, degraded me, made me feel like shit. And told me I talked too much about myself, but then you wouldn't open up when I asked you. No one else has ever done this.

So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. This is different than saying "I'm sorry you feel like you're feelings are hurt'' which is what you do. That's not apologizing. That's not taking on the blame. And yeah, you do do it. Whether or not you realize it. It just hurts people's feelings more.

Yeah, I still hear about you. People talk. My friends tell me what's going on.
So I need to ask you, politely, after this post to stop reading my blog. This blog contains private details of my life for my friends. I can't make it private, because not everyone has a blogger account. I blocked you on facebook so that we wouldn't look at each other's accounts, etc, so I don't know how you found this link. It doesn't really matter, but it's making me uncomfortable. This is for my friends, and unfortunately we're not friends anymore. I don't look at your flickr or anything. I don't look at your photos. I'm asking for the same respect. It's sad, but goodbye. You can't move on either until you stop following my life. I understand that you're interested. It's natural. We were everything to eachother.
But that is over. For good.

I need to apologize to PM (you know who you are) for freaking out at you. This is a touchy subject and sometimes we butt heads. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, just the situation.

Update: PM and I are fine, as always. We're good at saying sorry to each other.

I know this post is harsh, I wrote it when I was angry, but I mean everything I said. I've had a good cry and a really good yell. I feel a lot better. But like.. we texted a little, things were getting a bit better, then I say happy birthday and you say nothing. Mixed messages.
Everytime I want to call or something, I look at the scar on my wrist and it reminds me of how much you hurt me. I won't let that happen again. If I wanted to get back with Paul, everyone would say no. This is the same. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong...

and now my conscience is clear.

Can Anybody Find Me Somebody To Love?

2009-10-18T00:20:00.010-06:00

Holy moly, sorry guys. It's been 10/ten/diez/dix days since I last updated. I know, I'm a horrible person and you all hate me just a tiny bit. Forgive me! I've been busy.

Lots of things to talk about.

Thingamajig One* Thanksgiving! After counting down the days for 6 weeks, I flew back to Vancouver for the long weekend. While waking up at 4am would be disgusting to some people, it was fine for me. I haven't been sleeping well at all so I fell asleep at 1.30 am and woke up at 3.30. I was way too stoked to sleep. I got on the shuttle to the airport, plugged in Comet's iPod (you're a doll and I love you) and played me a little Brandon Heath and Sarah Brightman. I was excited to get away from the snow and see the beautiful West Coast mountains.

I got into the airport and my little sister, Midget, pretended she had no idea who I was. I'm sure lots of people nearby thought I was trying to kidnap her. My mum didn't cry, and more surprisingly I didn't cry either. Letting you all in on a little secret: I cry like a little baby anytime something emotional happens. Movies, sad commercials, good lyrics in a song, you name it. Sometimes I'll lie and say I have to go to the bathroom so I can have a quick cry. Sad ain't it?

That night I went to see my older sister, Peach, in her NEW HOME! She'd already been there for 6 weeks, but to me it was like move in day. The place looks amazing. They've done a great job decorating and there is so much space. Holy jeebus. She's a Mary Kay consultant now, making some extra cash (drug dealer didn't work out...just kidding!) so if you want any great make up, let me know kiddies. Seriously, she had this hand wash stuff that was so delicious I jizzed in my pants a little. Not gonna lie. I couldn't stop smelling my hands - I was like a crazed fan who had just gotten to touch their favourite celebrity. I fell asleep with my face ON MY HAND.

After that, I went over to H2's house to surprise people that I was back home. Bunny, Meow Meow, Natewoo, Lizzypoo and PM were there. Unfortunately, Farrellkins was so wasted she had to go home early. Boo! And Black Magic was hooking up with the bf while ''sleeping at my house''. WOO! Glad I could help someone get some action. In the end it was a fun night. No drinking on my part, other than chugging milk with PM. Great times.

The next few days were spent with people coming in and out of the house. Saw everyone I wanted to (except my camp buddy! live closer, you fool!), and that really helped me feel better. Coming back was hard, though. 2 months until I'm back for 2 and a half weeks guys! Vancouver is safe until then... but when I come back, I ASSURE YOU there will be some crazy chaos. We're celebrating my birthday when I get back! 19 everyone - I'll see you there. Or maybe I won't if you're a loser. If you're not invited..you know where you stand.

Thingamajig Two* Glee. Please chill for a second and stop judging. Now, when I first heard about Glee I was like ''holy crap, drama kids watch this? I'll stay away." I'm a drama kid, but I'm not into the musical thing... BUT THIS SHOW IS AMAZING. A-M-A-ZING. I've watched all 7 episodes today and I can't wait for wednesday (that's when the next episode comes out). Please guys, watch this show. I promise it will blow your socks off. Fin is so cute.. so, so, so cute. Not to mention Will. Can he please take his shirt off again?! Just once. I was really sceptical, but the script is hilarious, the music is great, and the plot line is new and exciting. You have no idea what's going to happen next and I'm saying that truthfully. If you don't watch it, you're missing out. The woman who plays Emma, Jayma, is so funny. She's perfect and I adore her.

Thingamajig Three* Relationships. Congrats to Black Magic on possiblity the cutest bf any of us have ever had! RIP Shoes and Draham (Draham, shape up! put on your Nike panties and just do it!), Natewoo and Shorty (no matter what you say, you didn't see it coming, but nice try), and soon to be RInotsomuchP Oxymoron and Air Pumps (song lyrics are coming into my head.. ''look who's alone now, it's not me... it's not me." thank you James Blunt). Karma's a bitch and I hope everything you lost was worth it.

On a brighter note, Comet has a scruffy hotty and Gagsalot has her eye on Stoner! Soccer Boy is still in my heart but I'm not rushing anything. Drama/Choir boy (whatever you prefer to call him) has been making my heart flutter again. Damn him.

Why do I feel like a gossip columnist?

Thingamajig Four* Does anyone remember those fake nails I wore for my 18th birthday? Well, I've got them on now for fun and JEEZE LOUISE. Some people say pretty, I say protection. These babies come at least a centimeter off my nails and could claw out anyone's eyes in a single swoop. Laura Croft had guns and tighter abs than I'll ever have, but I have these puppies to help me along.

What else? Thingamajig Five* Note to self: Dont relax the BC way in your room. Do it outside.

Thingamajig Six* Did I mention Glee? Yeah? Well. Read again.

Thingamajig Seven* Comet you are the cutest! She says she checks my blog daily. I find this very flattering. Not to mention the super nice things TashSait (from Vancouver! I'll come up with a better nickname when it's not 1am) said the other day. You brightened my mood!

On a side note, guys,

http://kidshealth.org/teen/safety/safebasics/rape_what_to_do.html

Please learn to protect yourselves, and if you need anyone to talk to there are plenty of relief hotlines. Or even me. Even if you don't know me personally, send me a message and I'll listen.

This may seem random and out of the blue, but seriously guys. It can happen to ANYONE. Whether you're the quiet girl at a party or the outrageous confident one. Even guys.

Stay safe, you hear? No means no. It doesn't matter if you invited the guy into your room, if you knew him beforehand, or what you're wearing. No one asks to be raped or violated in anyway. Rape doesn't just mean forced intercourse.

683,000 forcibles rapes occur every year,
which equals 56,916 per month,
1,871 per day, 78 per hour,
and 1.3 per minute.

In the time it took you to read that, one more person was raped.

I've recently joined the Me to We Mobilizers group on my campus and it has really opened my eyes. Reading about the things that happen in our world may be horrifying and scary, but it's a neccessity. Reach out. If you're in the Edmonton area, check out this crazy awesome event:

http://www.facebook.com/events.php?ref=sb#/event.php?eid=176446754873&index=1

It's this Thursday. It will change your life. If you're not on Facebook, why are you hiding under a rock? (6.30pm to 9.30pm, Room 1-013 in ETLC at the University of Alberta).

..one last, very important thing.

F YOU MIDTERMS! I WILL CURB STOMP YOUR MOTHER!

Yup. I went there.

xx Peace easy everyone,

til next time.

I Want To...

2009-10-08T23:47:00.003-06:00

Go home.
Never see a film studies assignment ever again.
Jump out my dorm window...

... but the screen's in the way.

Oh my god I have so much homework mybrainjustmightexplode. Why didn't I do this earlier? Oh, right, BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT.
I haven't been sleeping. I haven't slept during the night time in... 3 days.
Vampire?

I'm stressed. I'm listening to James Blunt, bursting into tears randomly, and facebook says I'm 63% in love, but I don't know who with anymore.

OhmygodIcan'tgetallthisdoneI'msoscrewedI'mgoingtofailoutofuniversityandbecomeahomelesspersonjustlikeI'dalwaysfeared.

Oh.. and I'M HOME IN 34 HOURS.

We're Dropping Like Flies

2009-10-02T17:33:00.005-06:00

8 days until I come home!

STDs, skanks, and illnesses float around university dorms like dust particles...

If one person on the floor is sick, everyone is going to get sick... it's only a matter of time.

I've been sick twice here so far. Once with tonsilitis and once with a cold. While viruses are a problem, another issue has popped up.

Food poisoning. Comet and quite a few other people I know have gotten really sick. Luckily they're all okay now, but it was terrible at the time. Everyone's cautious of The Marina food downstairs. I think it was the eggs and the fish.. they use the same utensils for everything, so we'll never know.

On another note, I have a rant.

Men.

Big, hairy, sweaty towers of strength and masculinity.

For example,
this guy.

I'm going to try and keep my mind out of the gutter while I write this.

This guy is confident. Sexy. Probably has women falling over their own feet to get to him.

For argument's sake, we'll say that this is the typical man.

(I wish...)

Now, most guys like to think they're this guy, and unfortunately us ladies find ourselves disappointed 99.9% of the time because in reality, most guys end up being little boys.

Crying, overly dramatic, immature little boys.

So, I met this guy. We'll call him Radio Guy. He's 23 and incredibly good looking. Not the usual type I'd go for, I prefer the scruffy ones, but even I can admit he's gorgeous. Incredibly fit with a beautiful smile.

At 23 I assumed he's more mature than the 19 year olds I'm used to.

But no.

If it's even possible, he's MORE immature. I didn't do something he wanted, so he HUNG UP THE PHONE ON ME.

He could not have chosen a more highschool girlesque move if he'd tried.

I used to hang up the phone on my mum when she irritated me... back in grade 10, when I was 14.

What is happening to the world?!

If you want the girl, be respectful. It doesn't turn me on when you joke about jacking off and wiping your ass (another story for another time). In fact, it makes me think you're crude and uneducated. Be polite. Show me you have manners and appreciate the fact that I have a brain. If you wanted a slut, I can point you downstairs to a girl on a different floor.

I'm tired of dating little boys.

I'm not your mother. Go cry to someone who gives a shit.

I Want To Kiss A Girl, Hold Her Tight, Maybe Make Some Magic Tonight

2009-09-26T20:47:00.004-06:00

This week is always rough for me.

On one hand, it was my older sister's birthday on the 21st! Happy *24th* birthday ma sista!
(if you want to know her real age, I accept bribes in the form of cheques, presents, cash, and exceptional poetry)
I definitely wish I could have been back home on the west coast to celebrate with the family. Being away at school, I've missed out on celebrating both of my sisters' birthdays.
I'm so used to being there to join in on the fun, it's not easy hearing the stories on the other end of the phone. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but a bit of me does. My heart aches to be missing out on these memories.

On a sadder note, September 21st was also the third anniversary of Alex's death.
No details are needed here, just a "RIP, I'm still thinking of you''.

I didn't do anything really interesting this week unfortunately.
I saw a play at the Timm's Center for Performing Arts that involved male genitalia.
I was 'lucky' enough to be sitting front row center... right where the penis was pointed.
It was unimpressive, unfortunately. I mean, if I'm going to pay $24 (I bought a flex pass) and there's penis in a show, I want to see "PENIS! let me squirm in pleasure'' not ''oh god...penis AHHH traumatizing!!''. Let's just say the actor didn't get laid after his performance.

A song just came onto Comet's ipod. All I heard was ''i'm so horny....'' then I changed it.
That reminds me! Comet's love interest turned out to be a bit of a jerk :( . It's rumoured he told the guys on our floor that his goal for the year is to sleep with 30 girls.
Comet's strong and independent, she doesn't need him, and she's moving along nicely. She says she no longer has feelings for him. Whether or not that's true, I commend her for being so dignified. It takes a lot of strength to leave your feelings behind like that.

MMM! Strawberry poptart! I recommend them to anyone.

Yesterday, Blue Eyes (Comet's roommate), Comet, and I went out to Superstore and Dollarama. That place is amazing. EVERYTHING is a dollar. Things that usually cost $20! Amazing! All the stuff I bought should have added up to about $50, but came out to only $16. Now I have a cool Marilyn Monroe scarf hanging on my wall. Life complete.
We also bought some shot glasses and today I decorated mine with gems and paint. I made it look like a corset and wrote ''thou shalt not get drunk...'' on the other side.

I should have thought about that last night at the Floor Crawl.
Let me explain Floor Crawl.

Everyone gets into pairs and makes a drink. Comet, Gaga and I decided to make Purple Tornado Jello Shots. This includes far too much vodka, grape juice, grape jello, and water.

Makes about 50 shots...
2 pkg grape jello
4 cups boiling water
1/3 of a 40 of vodka (but this is up to you, ours were strong). recommend: 1 cup of vodka
1 cup grape juice

Boil your 4 cups of water and mix in jello packages. Let cool. Mix vodka and grape juice in.
For fast set: put ice cubes into shots, take out when mixture starts to harden.

We didn't have a lot of time, so we put them in the freezer for about 45 minutes and they turned out great.

Warning: these taste great, and you'll most likely have way too many of them...
...like I did.

The point of Floor Crawl is to get trashed. Out of your mind trashed. You end up trying all these different shots and mixing a lot of alcohol. Some people have gin, some people have vodka, some people have tequila. There were ''Fresh Pussy'' shots, B 52s, viper shots, etc.
I tried one of everything (minus the viper shots, I learned my lesson about those awhile ago...) and was feeling fine. My problem is that the alcohol hadnt hit me, so I'd continued on trying new drinks.

This is when I hit the proverbial wall that is called Emma's Alcohol Tolerance.
I crashed face first into that wall and metaphorically broke every bone in my body.
I have never been that intoxicated before, nor have I ever been that sick.

I used to love the feeling of losing control when I was drunk, now I don't know why.
It took me about an hour to go from sober to ''holy crap, am I DYING?!".

Lots of alcohol + short period of time + not thinking properly = effed. up.

I really don't suggest drinking that much to anyone. Unless you have a death wish, or find barfing up your weight in liquid attractive.

Within 90 minutes I was blabbering, rolling on the floor, and not able to see a thing. Saying I had the spins is an understatement. I felt like I was on a demented Disney ride that was trying to suck my brain matter out of my ears.

According to friends, I really wanted to play Jumanji and wouldn't go into the lounge because Gaga told me there were tigers there.
Oh dear lord.

After lying on the hallway floor trying to get to the bathroom, I retreated to my room.
The girls on my floor (bless you all) took care of me, but I soon found out that the alcohol wasn't going to be staying in my body.

[insert ____ amount of time, throwing up in the bathroom]
I threw up 3 or 4 times in the bathroom. Go big or go home, eh?

I made it back to my bedroom, who knows how, where I threw up twice more into my garbage while sitting in my bed. I started to pass out (I guess black out would be the proper term) while listening to the Backstreet Boys. For some reason, as long as I could hear the boys singing I didn't need to throw up. Weird how your mind works.
I tried sleeping on my right side to face the fan, but the spins were too bad. I lay on my left side with my hands pressed against my wall, along with my face and legs. I woke up with the wall imprinted on my face. Sexy.
Why did I do this? "I needed to know where the hell I was".

I woke up this morning feeling fine, but that's only because I went to hell and back last night.
In NO WAY was all the drinking a good idea, and while some people probably laughed while reading this (that's the idea of the blog), I really don't recommend this to anyone.
It wasn't fun at all. I cried a lot, and felt really embarassed.

I repeat, I AM NOT RECOMMENDING THIS TO ANYONE.

To go in a completely different direction, I painted my nails today. I used my kit, and decided to make a blog showing you guys how to do the crazy stuff I'm doing to my nails.
It's going to be an easy, inexpensive tutorial :) .

http://letmenailyou.blogspot.com/

Check it out! Photos up soon.

Peace easy guys,
x

If You're Not The One..

2009-09-22T00:46:00.003-06:00

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away

And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today

‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right

And though I can’t be with you tonight

You know my heart is by your side

I wish that you could be the one I die with

I hope I love you all my life

Misunderstood

2009-09-21T01:18:00.002-06:00

I don't think I'll ever understand why I can't grow old with you.

You, I'm Gonna Take You To A Gay Bar!

2009-09-20T16:33:00.004-06:00

It has come to my attention that I've left a few things out of my blog that I should have mentioned!

Thingamajig 1) Choir Boy. The boy that we thought was smart, funny, and decently good looking.
It was a big lie. He is a d-bag. He's not that smart, he's really not that funny, and when you look at him closely it seems that he's been hit in the face by a slow moving object. Multiple times.

Bitter? No way. Never.

He's in Free The Children and apparently this makes him rebellious. Interesting. Good enough to two time me before we've really even started dating.

First of all, a girl with cleavage like mine doesn't date a guy with a face like his.

Secondly, while I seem much quieter than him (maybe that's because I can never get a word in) I have a much higher IQ. Well, it's not hard having a higher IQ than a doorknob, but still.

After going on our date (he called me out of the blue and asked me for dinner - he had reservations made) he texts me saying he's seeing a girl in Toronto from Free The Children. They're trying it long distance, but they've both agreed that they can date other people. Choir Boy says that we can still date if I want to. IF I WANT TO? No thank you. I'm not desperate.

He keeps trying to talk to me and be friendly, but I'm not having it right now.

Shoes (a guy in my drama class) is planning on getting Choir Boy to the gay bar with us so we can set Ass Raper on him.

Who is Ass Raper you ask?

Thingamajig 2) Well, Shoes and I went to Play, a gay bar on Jasper Avenue last night with the U of A OUTReach group. This is a group for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, etc, and the people who support them (being me). I was the token straight girl, it was awesome. We met up with a group on campus and headed off. Almost immediately Shoes spots Draham, a cute first year drama major just like us. They start talking. And talking. And talking.

We get to the club and we've become a threesome. We're having tones of fun drinking drinks with rude names. I had to get the boys to order the drinks for me because I couldn't say their names. Yes, the P and C word were involved.

Anyways. We start dancing and this gay guy taps me on the shoulder and twirls me around. He asks me to dance with this crazy look on his face so I said no. He didn't take no for an answer. He started thrusting against my butt with one of the most awkward boners I've ever felt in my life. He was thursting so hard that I got propelled forward into Draham and Shoes. They formed a blockade around me and Shoes sacrificed himself for my butt virginity.

We forced our way out of the dance crowd and it felt like being born - you shoot out of there like no one's business. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I haven't had this much fun in awhile.

We go back to dancing a little later and Ass Raper finds me again. I agree to dance and he whips me around so my back is facing him and he grabs onto my hip with one hand and my chest with the other. People cheer and I was terrified. Shoes and Draham look at me with their eyes wide open so I decide to get into it. I hold my hands above my hand and Ass Raper holds my hands.

I free myself eventually. He tells me he loves me. I am satisfied.

I was dancing on a mini stage podium area with the boys and decide that I am going to slutty dance.

And you know how I get when I slutty dance.

I was shaking my hips like Shakira and I think I turned some gay guys straight.

The good thing about gay bars is that you don't care what you look like (there wasn't a straight guy to be seen) and everyone is so happy. It's like a little community, they all take care of each other and love one another. Not in a kinky way guys, get your minds out of the gutter.

So all in all I had a great night. And so did Shoes and Draham! I think they're an item now.
I have done my good deed.

xx miss you all.

Ring The Alarm! I've Been Through This Too Long

2009-09-16T20:29:00.003-06:00

10:45am. Fire alarm. Evacuated from Humanities building. Not a drill. Someone walked through an alarmed door.

2:05pm. Fire alarm. Evacuated from Rutherford library. Drill. Had been waiting in line for a computer for 30 minutes, had only just gotten on one.

4:30pm. Fire alarm. Evacuated from Lister center. Not a drill. Someone was making garlic toast and burned it. Was in the bathroom.

Not pleased. Not pleased at all.

Last night I was feeling really homesick and had a good cry on the phone to my mum and dad.
I was having an early night and was lying in bed at 10:30. By 11:00 I was asleep. At 11:30 I'm woken up by severe pain on the top of my left shoulder.

My ipod dock fell off the top shelf above my bed and landed square ontop of my shoulder. I bit my lip and tried to take deep breaths. What I really wanted to do was throw my ipod dock out the window, but lucky for the ipod, I have screens on my window for that exact reason.
I have an impressive bruise on my shoulder and my right shoulder aches from carrying my bag all day.

Fml. Edmonton hates me, but as Heschl says ''electricity is just an illusion in Edmonton''.

Quote of the week: Z's pen breaks in film studies, and instead of saying something like ''shit!'' she says ''COCK!!". Never heard that before. I proceeded to laugh until I cried.
Note to self: wear waterproof mascara around Z.

Ah! M, the dodgeball nazi, slept with 17 guys in 14 days last year.
Impressed, or disgusted? I'm torn.

I'm going to buy a fish on friday at the West Edmonton Mall, and that is that! He shall be my buddy.

Do Not Enter (My Pants)

2009-09-13T16:14:00.007-06:00

Last night was res fest and it was a lot of fun...if you ignore the kick to the face, the drunken girls falling backwards, and the sweaty armpits in your mouth.
Yes, in your mouth.

Leather Jacket Club, Shiloh, The Latency (Vancouverites!), and 10 Second Epic played live and that was freaking awesome! The Latency were the best, personally, but I'm a little biased. I bought their cd after their show and Comet and I are burning it onto our laptops. The lead singer is gorgeous. I was close to jumping on stage and ripping his clothes off. When I say close, I mean really really close. My fingers were tingling, not to mention other places.

I'm ready to throw my laptop charger out the window. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I don't have $150 to shell out to buy a new one.

Computer dying. Will write more later.
FML.

I'm back a few hours later on Comet's computer. I was finally in my writing groove. Damn you computer, damn you.

Comet and I were floor housewives tonight and made the boys macaroni. We had a dance party in the kitchen and belted out ''You're So Vain''. The macaroni hit the spot - deeeeelish.
Comet is really into a boy on our floor and he happens to be a twin. She said, completely seriously, that she will make a ''twin sandwhich''. If I see one of the boys walking around looking traumatized I'll know what happened.

Gaga danced with a boy last night, Scarf Boy, that we all thought was gay. Turns out he's not - he tried to make out with her, braces and all. She solidly rejected him. Sorry, Gay Scarf Boy. Better luck time.

L and I went moshing and it was great. We started at the back of the crowd and somehow ended up front row center. It was PACKED. I got a lot of aggression out.

See? Now that I stopped writing I've lost my humour. I'm no longer funny and creative. I can't even remember what I did the past 2 days.

I've tried every flavour of Vitamin Water. That is actually pretty impressive when you think about it. Every. Single. Flavour. XXX and Grape are my favourite. 50 Cent being on the side of my bottle makes my life that bit sweeter.

I've been cleaning my room today which means I read 2 books. 2 full books. I'm very productive.
I'm being assigned an essay in English tomorrow and I just may crap my...boxers.

I've lost my humour like an 18 year old loses her virginity on prom night.

On a side note, I'm feeling weird about boys. As sad as it is, I can't get P out of my head. Life would be so different if we were together. As he said - we'd be living together. Most guys are here just to hook up (as are the girls), but I'm not the type of person to hook up with 3 guys in 2 days.

I miss you all! xx

New development: I was playing restaurant city on fb and all I got was a potato today. I've been waiting TWENTY FOUR HOURS for a POTATO?! I really do need someone to obsess over.