I Am Such A Man

when it comes to relationships.
Not in a Lady Gaga ''no, I really am kind of a man'' way (she's gorgeous, but the whole ''my boyfriend likes to stroke my nub'' thing freaked me out a little, not gonna lie).
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I'm in it for the chase, as soon as I know I have you I'm bored. I plot and scheme to get you to say ''I'm yours'', but as soon as you say it I'm gone.
It's terrible.
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I'm kind of possibly a little bit maybe seeing this guy. We'll call him Kanye. He was easy to snag and at first it was really nice. He calls me all the time, says he misses me, talks to me about his friends,
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but now I'm FREAKING OUT.
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He told his mum about me! She wants me to visit her in Red Deer at christmas and meet the family! He wants to take me to the Calgary Zoo!
HOLY BANANAS WHAT THE HOO HAH HAPPENED HERE?!
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I'm feeling overwhelmed. I thought I wanted a relationship, but I'm just not feeling it. When I'm next to him I'm all for it. Well, when we're making out I'm all for it. But before and after that it's like ''eep. I don't think I'm that into him.''. My brain keeps telling me that I want him as a hook up. I want to remain friends! But I don't think that's possible. He seems really into me and I know he's a relationship kind of guy.
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Why am I such a cold, heartless beast?
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I should be thinking about him, but I'm thinking about other people instead.
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I'm a dick.

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May My Heart Rest In Peace

You're out getting high, I'm here pretending I'm in love

My last post was angry, sad, resentful.

heart broken.

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Paul has been a huge part of my life for the last 4 years. For someone as emotionally selfish as myself, loving someone that much and giving so much of myself is a huge deal. But I needed to get away. He needed to get away. He's got a new girlfriend and a new life that I can't fit into. And to be totally honest - I have a new life too, and he doesn't belong here. In a perfect world we'd be living together like we'd dreamed and everything would be rainbows and bunnies, but in reality things don't always go as you'd planned.

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I'm finally starting to realize that that's okay.

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After telling Paul that I had been pregnant I had a really good cry. A really good long cry. By the next morning I was void of emotion and that was what I needed to talk to Paul and say goodbye properly.

In the past when we've parted ways it's been angry, and that in itself gave us a reason to start talking again in the future. I needed us to be neutral so that we'd have no more excuses to crash into each other's lives anymore.

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I called and asked how he was doing. He wasn't doing too well, but that's okay. He needs to start feeling a bit of what I felt when I was alone and scared. He needs to start seeing what I did for him. I wasn't all talk - I really would have done anything for him.

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By the end of the conversation, everything that could possibly be said was said. I didn't cry, I didn't yell. I was caring and mature. I apologized, he apologized. And I wished him luck.

I know some people think I should message Paul's girlfriend and let her know what's been happening. At one point I was going to do just that, but that's not my place. When it comes down to it, his girlfriend hasn't wronged me in any way. It was Paul that hurt me, it's not my right to break her heart. That would be vindictive and evil, and I'm no longer the kind of person that would do that.

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Paul was the last tie I had to my old self, and I feel...relieved. Don't get me
wrong, I already miss him and I've already cried to multiple friends on the
phone about it, but the consensus is that it was the right thing to do and I'm
finally free.

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We both are.

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Ps I really hate how my blog won't let me space out my paragraphs anymore.

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