I See You Crystal Clear

I'm lying in my room in the dark. I plug in my headphones, turn on the ipod, and Adele's Rolling in the Deep comes on. Like the millions of people around the world, I simply adore her. I've loved her since before "21". But right now, in this very moment, I am connecting with her music as if it was written for me.

All the time I advocate not letting people push you around or manipulate you. I say "he can't do that to you! stand up for yourself!? "she can't talk to you like that, tell her to smarten up or you're gone'' but I'm realizing I don't follow my own advice.

Not only do I not follow my own advice, I usually go back for seconds, even thirds. Hell, I eat the whole damn buffet and then I have dessert too.

Kanye just sent me an invite to his birthday party after texted me out of nowhere. He said that I should come and meet the "wifey".

Look.

I have completely moved on. I am not missing you in the least, nor am I thinking of you. But let's cut the bull shit. I do not want to go to your birthday where you'll be a drunken asshole making out with your future ''wifey''. Do you not remember that that's the girl you cheated on me with? Why would I ever want to meet her?! I found out you were engaged when we ran into each other on the bus early on in the summer. We're clearly not buddies. We don't keep in touch. So why don't you go and fuck yourself.

Ugh. I'm following my own advice. Told him I'm not going to his birthday party and that's that. He doesn't need a reason, he doesn't deserve an excuse. I'm just not going.

Finally, I see you crystal clear! I've turned my sorrow into treasured gold, you'll pay me back in kind when you reap just what you sow.

Thank you Adele for waking me up and helping me realize that I can no longer be a doormat for anyone.

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Bittersweet

2011 Recap:

This has been one of the best and one of the worst years of my life. There have been 2 times in my life where I can pinpoint exactly where I grew up and changed and this summer was one of those times. It was an extremely difficult time for me, but I can honestly say I'm glad it happened. I had a huge wake up call and I've stuck to my school goals since then. (Woot Woot 3.3 GPA!)

This year wasn't good for my weightloss which I'm disappointed about. I definitely put losing weight on the back burner, but I also know that I've had a lot on my plate and there were more pressing issues (like getting back into school).

On the plus side, I've met the love of my life and have had the best 10 months of my life. He motivates me, he supports me, and he loves me unconditionally. It's amazing how comfortable around him I am. I know the dating books tell you to be mysterious and keep some of yourself hidden, but I'm completely honest with him. I feel like crying? You bet it'll come out, and I'm not a pretty crier either.

I moved into my own apartment with 3 friends and the independence is amazing. I'm budgeting my money really well, I'm keeping my place tidy, and I've built myself a HOME. I feel so happy and right in Edmonton now.

Another plus is that I've learned who my real friends are. While this comes with the negative aspect of learning who wasn't a good friend, the positive far outweighs the negative. I said goodbye to some people who were dragging me down and weren't treating me right. I've learned to accept myself and to accept other's faults. And it feels so good.

I also learned that all my accomplishments need to be for myself and not for others. I've always felt like nothing I do is good enough for my parents and I recently learned that even when I try my best, I still get reprimanded and yelled at. Turns out this hurts a lot more when I've done my best because I know I couldn't have done more. But on the bright side, I've emotionally cut myself off from that and now know that if I do something, it'll only feel good if I rely solely on how I feel about it.

My goals for 2012:

Lose 60 pounds. That's a little over one pound a week. I hope I can blow this one out of the water.

Go to the gym/exercise at least 3 times a week. Fitting in some time to take care of myself should boost my happiness all around, plus it'll help with the weight loss goal.

Minimum 3.0 GPA for the year

Meet 5 new interesting people that I can become friends with

Join a club or team of some kind

Become financially independent

Be tidier, don't procrastinate cleaning

WRITE ON MY BLOG MORE

I know these are a lot of goals, but I've learned that it's all about the process. I'll work on these things bit by bit.

Overall, 2011 has been a great year. I've got the building blocks, now I just need to go out and get the things I want.

2012... here I come.

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