Oops

Well, so far I've really sucked at the "post on my blog more!" goal. Whoops.

But! I have been KILLING my other goals. Since my last blog post in January, I have lost 23.5 pounds so I'm well on my way to 60 for the whole year. I've got a part time job that I've been working at since the beginning of January so that helps with the saving money goal. I'm also doing really well at the job and love my coworkers/boss which makes a huge difference. Cleaning my room is still something I loathe doing, but you can consistently see the floor now which is a bonus. Also, my room is less of a safety hazard now.

Life has been really busy. Keeping a high GPA means having little to no social life. Turns out you have to work pretty damn hard to get good grades, weird hey? I coasted through high school and I figured I could do the same for university. Nope. Turns out that REALLY doesn't work. So after messing around for the first 2 years of my degree, the last year has been filled with really hard work and long hours. It's totally paid off though. This semester, I'm holding a 4.0 GPA. Yup. Hopefully I can keep that up.

Other than my boring school life, I'm still dating Kenny. It's been 15 months now and we're as good as ever. We really don't fight or anything, we have our spats (which is healthy) but they usually last for literally 5 seconds. It just shows me how immature some people are in their relationships and why they'll never work out. I really think our being adults is what makes our relationship so filled with respect.

Hmm..what else.

Oh.

Ya.

I have some bad news.

On the 1st of May, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. They think I've had it since about February or March, so we got it early on. At first I was devastated, but I've kept my head high and I've made a lot of changes. Turns out I also have thyroid disease which makes it hard for me to lose weight and easy for me to put on weight. They think this is something I've had since I was a baby which probably contributed to my struggles for the last bagillion years. 

I'll go into more detail another time. Right now I thought I'd just throw it out there. I've told people that are close to me, but maybe there will be some people out there who would benefit from hearing about my journey of controlling my diabetes. 

All in all, things are really great right now.

But, as always, I have to run. I have a LOT of studying to do with what feels like 0 hours to do it all. 

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Somebody That I Used To Know

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation in the end, always the end.

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well, you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over.

Now and then I think about all the times you screwed me over

Had me believing that it was always something that I'd done

But I don't want to live that way

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

I'm glad it's finally over. I'm not going to put up with someone being such a terrible friend. I've got too many amazing people in my life to let someone like that bring me down when I'm finally happy and confident and doing what I should be doing.

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I See You Crystal Clear

I'm lying in my room in the dark. I plug in my headphones, turn on the ipod, and Adele's Rolling in the Deep comes on. Like the millions of people around the world, I simply adore her. I've loved her since before "21". But right now, in this very moment, I am connecting with her music as if it was written for me.

All the time I advocate not letting people push you around or manipulate you. I say "he can't do that to you! stand up for yourself!? "she can't talk to you like that, tell her to smarten up or you're gone'' but I'm realizing I don't follow my own advice.

Not only do I not follow my own advice, I usually go back for seconds, even thirds. Hell, I eat the whole damn buffet and then I have dessert too.

Kanye just sent me an invite to his birthday party after texted me out of nowhere. He said that I should come and meet the "wifey".

Look.

I have completely moved on. I am not missing you in the least, nor am I thinking of you. But let's cut the bull shit. I do not want to go to your birthday where you'll be a drunken asshole making out with your future ''wifey''. Do you not remember that that's the girl you cheated on me with? Why would I ever want to meet her?! I found out you were engaged when we ran into each other on the bus early on in the summer. We're clearly not buddies. We don't keep in touch. So why don't you go and fuck yourself.

Ugh. I'm following my own advice. Told him I'm not going to his birthday party and that's that. He doesn't need a reason, he doesn't deserve an excuse. I'm just not going.

Finally, I see you crystal clear! I've turned my sorrow into treasured gold, you'll pay me back in kind when you reap just what you sow.

Thank you Adele for waking me up and helping me realize that I can no longer be a doormat for anyone.

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Bittersweet

2011 Recap:

This has been one of the best and one of the worst years of my life. There have been 2 times in my life where I can pinpoint exactly where I grew up and changed and this summer was one of those times. It was an extremely difficult time for me, but I can honestly say I'm glad it happened. I had a huge wake up call and I've stuck to my school goals since then. (Woot Woot 3.3 GPA!)

This year wasn't good for my weightloss which I'm disappointed about. I definitely put losing weight on the back burner, but I also know that I've had a lot on my plate and there were more pressing issues (like getting back into school).

On the plus side, I've met the love of my life and have had the best 10 months of my life. He motivates me, he supports me, and he loves me unconditionally. It's amazing how comfortable around him I am. I know the dating books tell you to be mysterious and keep some of yourself hidden, but I'm completely honest with him. I feel like crying? You bet it'll come out, and I'm not a pretty crier either.

I moved into my own apartment with 3 friends and the independence is amazing. I'm budgeting my money really well, I'm keeping my place tidy, and I've built myself a HOME. I feel so happy and right in Edmonton now.

Another plus is that I've learned who my real friends are. While this comes with the negative aspect of learning who wasn't a good friend, the positive far outweighs the negative. I said goodbye to some people who were dragging me down and weren't treating me right. I've learned to accept myself and to accept other's faults. And it feels so good.

I also learned that all my accomplishments need to be for myself and not for others. I've always felt like nothing I do is good enough for my parents and I recently learned that even when I try my best, I still get reprimanded and yelled at. Turns out this hurts a lot more when I've done my best because I know I couldn't have done more. But on the bright side, I've emotionally cut myself off from that and now know that if I do something, it'll only feel good if I rely solely on how I feel about it.

My goals for 2012:

Lose 60 pounds. That's a little over one pound a week. I hope I can blow this one out of the water.

Go to the gym/exercise at least 3 times a week. Fitting in some time to take care of myself should boost my happiness all around, plus it'll help with the weight loss goal.

Minimum 3.0 GPA for the year

Meet 5 new interesting people that I can become friends with

Join a club or team of some kind

Become financially independent

Be tidier, don't procrastinate cleaning

WRITE ON MY BLOG MORE

I know these are a lot of goals, but I've learned that it's all about the process. I'll work on these things bit by bit.

Overall, 2011 has been a great year. I've got the building blocks, now I just need to go out and get the things I want.

2012... here I come.

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Is Cheating Only Okay In Uno?

My grandmother cheated all the time in Uno. We've been playing Uno together since I was about 3 or 4. Sure, way back then I'd just throw random colours down, but once I got better I noticed my grandmother getting much better too. Then one day a card fell out of her sleeve and the jig was up.

My grandmother was scamming me in Uno.

People cheat in card games and on tests they're not ready for, but they also cheat on people they're in relationships with.

I originally typed in love with but I feel like they're should be an asterix next to it saying

*"in love"

* in love with, but was drunk

* in love with, but were currently fighting

* in love, but drinking

* pretending to be in love

etc.

So we'll stick with ''in a relationship'' for now, because there are so many different situations and circumstances that I can't judge. Well, I can. I just may not be anywhere near the correct story.

I'm proud to say I've never cheated on anyone I was in a relationship with. I'm not all angel wings and gold stars though. I've always been completely honest here, so I'll admit it - I've helped someone cheat. I wasn't proud of it then, and I'm not proud of it now. I still get embarassed when I think about it. In the end, the girl told me she was infact glad it happened. He really was a piece of shit. It's a shame it took us both so long to figure it out. Anyway, that is a very long story and I'm glad I owned up to it and apologized to her. And threw his house key off the 10th floor of my apartment building into the snow 2 years ago. That felt REALLY good.

But back to the point. I don't think I could cheat. I'd feel so horrible. KCat and I have talked about it and we've both agreed that if either of us ever cheats, it's over. We couldn't live with the knowledge that the other one had did something like that and neither of us would be able to move on from it. I think if you truly love someone, you can fight those urges whether you're in a fight or you're extremely drunk, etc.

You're probably thinking ''some people get so drunk they don't know what they're doing''. Sorry sweetheart, but it's not an admissible defence in a court of law and it sure as hell isn't admissible in my court of love.

Judge ruling - you're NEVER so drunk that you don't know what you're doing.

You don't wanna kiss that other person? Keep your mouth attached to a glass of water. You don't wanna dance with that person? Take a seat. Keep your ass on that chair.

Regardless of how much I drink, I ALWAYS have the knowledge that I'm in an exclusive and committed relationship with someone I really care about.

I know people who have cheated and it made me look at them differently, even if they were (or are) friends of mine. This girl I used to know in highschool swore she loved her boyfriend. He's all anyone ever heard about and she pasted quotes about true love all over the place. He was literally her world. And then she cheated on him. Twice. When he was at the same parties. I think she also cheated once when he wasn't there, I can't exactly remember.

It's insane that I don't know how many times she cheated because she cheated SO MANY TIMES.

I can understand why some people cheat, but that doesn't mean I like it or think they had good reasons. Break up with the person first. I've been cheated on by 2 boyfriends. One I didn't care about, I was looking for a good excuse to break up. But the other one, it really stung. Be human enough to end it.

I thought she was pretty, she's nothing like the things you said

The woman you described couldn't even turn your head

The two of you looked lost inside a world all your own

Like you couldn't wait to get her alone

So I guess that means that things are better

They must not be so bad at home

I thought it looked like you were leaving, but it don't.

And I heard you tell her you still love her

So it doesn't matter what you say

I saw it all from a table away

And that's where you're gonna stay, a table away.

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A Little Early

I know, I know. It's Thanksgiving weekend.

But! I'm not having turkey or anything. I'm staying here, in ETown. My roomies are gone so I've been all alone today.

So... I cleaned the kitchen, went through recipe books (and tried a few - I'm so full I could throw up) and made cookies.

HALLOWEEN COOKIES! I'm so excited for halloween. I'm going as Aphrodite and my boyfriend is going as Ares. So yeah, sure, my cookies are a little premature. But I'm planning on making about 6 more batches anyways. Might as well start now.

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Open My Eyes, I See Sky

Before you attack me, I have an excuse as to why I haven't posted in so long!

A legitimate excuse at that. It's really hard to blog when you don't have a) a computer or b) a laptop.

Now I have both, and I am BACK.

Life is complicated, but it's a good kind of complicated. I'll go into more detail soon because it's a long story, but I had to reinvent myself this summer. And I feel pretty good. There are still some things I need to change (like getting my lazy ass to the gym) but I've changed a lot on other fronts (guess what I did all week? studied. No last minute cramming for this student either).

It's all about balance and making myself happy. I'm still working on that, but the great friends and absolutely fantastic boyfriend (yes, 7 months later and I'm still in heaven) have helped me along the way when I couldn't do the job myself.

So that's the short of it for now. I've had my computer back for a day and a half and look at me now... 2:16am and unable to shut my windows. It's great to see how quickly I can bounce back into the Great Procrastinator! But, school is extremely important right now. If I stick to my schedule and stay on the same path I'm on now I should be fine. I just have to be strict with myself. There's no room for error with school right now. I'm on my second chance (definitely more on that later).

Tonight I watched Pride and Prejudice for the bajillionth time. I love that movie. It's so much nicer watching a romantic movie when you have someone you love. Instead of sobbing ''Oh my God, I'M SO LONELY!" during the kissing scenes, I'm thinking how much better all our kisses have been.

Awwwww *insert vomit here* but hey. I've had (more than) my fair share of jackass exboyfriends. I'm allowed to be as mushy and as disgusting as I want now that I've got a good boyfriend.

So suck it, just be happy I'm back 'cause I sure missed you.

;)

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Secret Heart

June 20th, 2011
10:30pm

I said "I love you''.

It feels amazing to finally get it off my chest, but it feels even better to know I truly mean it.

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:)

I am so happy with you.

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I Wake To You

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, life has been busy!

I'm working 2 jobs and that's keeping me very busy. Not to mention moving, working out, and spending time with the amazing boyfriend.

Life is really great right now.

:)

More of an update later! It's 2am and I work in the morning.

"This is the way I need to wake, I wake to you."

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I'm Not Ready To Go

You think you've heard this before
I'll try to say it differently
As long as it come naturally to me
It's been making me sad
'Cause I can't find a better way
To speak the words I wanna say to you

Know how I love you
And know how I need you

And I want you to know
I won't let you down
No, I can't let go

Once again, I'm packing. I'm in my room in residence surrounded by cardboard boxes and empty hallways. I've lived in Lister for 2 years now. I remember those first few days in my first year, I thought I'd made a huge mistake and wanted to go home. Once I let my walls down and got over how scared I was, I made this my new home.

And now I don't want to go.

I'm ready to leave Lister, I know I can make it out on my own, but I'm finding that I don't want to leave. Not just yet. I'm going to miss living across the hall from my best friends. I'm going to miss studying in the cafeteria until 1am. I'm going to miss the torn apart lounge every Sunday morning. There are so many things that I'm going to really miss and I regret not taking more time to appreciate it.

Last year was my party year - I went wild. I went out 2 or 3 times a week and had the time of my life. I made great friends and I was accepted into a new family. This year I made a lot of new friends but was much quieter - school came first. I don't regret it, but I know studying will be easier in my own private home.

Lister has given me so much. It gave me some really superb people in my life. I've made a new life for myself here. It gave me the courage to be the person I wanted to be and to not worry about what others thought. It gave me the opportunity to start over and not be defined by my past. It gave me the strength to say goodbye to the people in my life that were dragging me down. It gave me the perspective to appreciate my family and friends back home. Lister let me grow up on my own terms.

I'm getting teary writing this. I know I'm ready to go, but it's hard to leave my home. I know I'll make a new home for myself, but I don't want to say goodbye to this one just yet.

I just wanted to say thank you. These past 2 years have been the best of my life and I owe a lot to this place and the people who lived here with me.

I love you.

:)

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Ignorance Is Bliss

I wish you'd never told me that I was fat, that I couldn't do things other people could, and that in order to be happy I'd have to lose weight.

The first time I remember you telling me people would like me more if I was skinny was when I was 8.


I was 8. I should have been worrying about who to play with at recess, not about whether or not I was a disappointment to everyone.

I didn't know anything was wrong with me until you pointed it out.

For so long I thought I was grotesque and that no one would love me - including you.



So I started exercising all the time. I stopped eating. And even when I got down to a low weight it still wasn't low enough for you, so I gave up and went the complete other direction. I stopped caring about myself. I couldn't handle the hunger pangs, the migraines, and the loneliness. It didn't change anything. You still told me I needed to lose more weight.

You think you're being nice when you say "once you lose your weight you'll be the most beautiful girl on campus. guys won't be able to walk past you without staring." but instead all I hear is "no one will pay attention to you when you're like this. no one will look at you twice." which may be the wrong way to take it, but this is what you've taught me.

Maybe you were trying to help me, but in the end you only hurt me. Badly. It's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life.

I blame myself, and I blame you. And that hurts me. I wish I had no resentment, I think it puts a great strain on our relationship. All I want to do is move on, but I can't.

You emotionally tattooed "fat" on my forehead so every time I look in the mirror it's all I can see.

Mom, I wish you'd kept your mouth shut when I was 8.

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100th Post!

100th post!
That's so exciting. Thanks to everyone that reads my blog. It may seem trivial, but it means a lot to me. I appreciate the support and love!

This post is going to be a very happy one which feels great.

KCat slept over last night. Now I'm lying in bed and it feels lonely. It's the best lonely feeling I've ever felt - knowing I have something so great, if that makes sense. Last night

Everything by Michael Buble came on his ipod and he took my hand and danced with me in my room. Just the two of us at midnight. Dancing in my crowded little dorm room. And it was perfect. It was such a sweet little moment.



I've really found a good guy here.

Also! I'm staying in Edmonton this summer. I think it's better for my mental health. None of my friends from Alberta are going home for the summer really (except for Pi. fail Pi!) so it'll be a great time. I was going to have to go back to Vancouver, but I got a job at West Edmonton Mall! I went on friday and handed out my resume and got hired on the spot at the Disney Store, which, hello! is perfect for me. I'm really excited.

Man I am just in the best mood right now. Life is going so well.

You're a swimming pool on an August day, you're the perfect thing to say.

When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.

Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true

Because you can see it when I look at you.

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I'd Like To Go

I'd really like to go on a road trip. Let's go.

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New Condo

Kanye is moving in with his *new girlfriend.

new - a girl he's been hooking up with for 5 weeks, a (clearly) serious relationship

At first I was upset. I get a ''I've been thinking about you lately'' and not 5 minutes later he tells me he's moving in with his new girlfriend. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't upset because it wasn't me moving in with him. In fact, now that he's moving in I won't ever have to worry about falling into another one of his traps. I'm glad he's being taken away. Keep him!

I was upset because he said "I've finally got my life together so we're moving in to her new condo''. I mean, a new condo?! I want a new condo. That bitch.

In all seriousness though, it hurt that he couldn't get his shit together with me but he will put the effort in for this new girl. That's going to sting for anybody. No one wants to feel like they're not good enough. So after I had a bit of a sulk and a pout, I cheerfully mentioned my new relationship. He still hasn't responded. There you go Kanye, suck on that!

Because while you're happy, I'm just as happy - if not happier.

We will call the new boyfriend KCat (thanks to Dino). I've never felt this comfortable with somebody. He makes me feel sexy and sweet. He tells me how smart and funny I am. He makes me love my body and my personality. I can talk to him about anything. It's been almost a month now that we've been dating and I feel great.

My older sister called and gave me The Talk. My mum called her and asked her to do it. Who cares that I'm turning 21 this year and she knows I'm not a virgin.

I meet his parents on the 10th and I'm nervous but very excited. They seem great.

Holy moly. In a relationship. A good one.

That's never really happened before.

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Kiss Me! Even Though I'm Not Irish

These past 2 weeks have been long ones - first with my neuroscience exam, then my human development exam this week. I did super well on both of them so it was time to blow off some steam.

St Patty's was the perfect time and excuse! We stole a table and put it in my room to play beer pong and other drinking games. We got all greened up and started drinking at 6. I was irish shwasted in no time. Overall, it was a great night. I woke up covered in green food dye which is always a good sign.

We just made 130 jello shots for the floor crawl tomorrow, so it should be another good night.
If I survive.

Then on Sunday I have a date with the man :)

More on him later...

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Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?

Are you gonna kiss me or not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're about to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not?


Does anybody else feel a lot of "first kiss" pressure?

I keep chickening out. Date 3 is tomorrow and I need to make it happen. Or he does. Someone does!

I just hate the whole "you have to have your first kiss when he drops you off in his car!" thing..

No. I refuse! I don't want to lean over the console and I don't want to have to twist my body in a weird position. It gives me muscle spasms. Then the light comes on in the car when you open the door so he can see how flustered I am. No!

No. No. No.

I'm not saying I need it to be the most romantic thing ever. Jeeze. I just want him to kiss me. I think I'll like it.





















A lot.

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Love Isn't Silly

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs,
But I look around me and I see it isn't so.
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.
And what's wrong with that?
I'd like to know, 'cause here I go again

Love doesn't come in a minute,
Sometimes it doesn't come at all
I only know that when I'm in it
It isn't silly, love isn't silly, love isn't silly at all.

I'm very excited for my date tomorrow. This could be something :)
The first date went so well, let's see how the second goes!

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Shame On Me

Because when you're twenty and somebody tells you they love you, you're going to believe them.

It's hard not to feel stupid about Sean/Kanye. It's harder not to feel hurt.

I'm pretty good about keeping him out of my head, but sometimes this pang makes my heart ache. I don't miss him, I just feel foolish. I'm one step closer to never thinking about him again. I'll get there.

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You're Impossible To Find

This is not what I intended,
I always swore to you that I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger,
I may have failed you, but I loved you from the start.

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