(my theater final is tomorrow. this is the "essay" i wrote for it. i have to present it orally. phew!)
Walt Disney is a terrible man. He has ruined my life. His movies have completely ruined my perception of romance. Life isn’t nearly as romantic as an 80 minute children’s movie suggests and I’m upset. Since I was little I’ve been obsessed with Disney princesses. My first Halloween costume was a pink princess, followed by being Belle for the next 5 consecutive years. I finally changed costumes, but at the last minute decided that being Ariel the little mermaid was a better choice. Who wants to be a farm animal when you can be a beautiful princess that everyone loves? From then on I was hooked. For birthdays and Christmases I asked for dress up costumes. The only time I showed any wavering of interest was when I was 6 and my aunt bought me a sceptre. I yelled ‘’off with her head’’ for about a week until I went back to my princess ways. Power was great, but I wanted adoration. I wanted love.
The problem is that thanks to Walt Disney, SCREW YOU WALT DISNEY!, my idea of love is completely skewed. I pity my future husband, that guy is going to have such a rough time keeping me happy. They say ‘’a happy wife is a happy life’’ and he has quite a challenge in front of him. Thanks to our pal Walt I expect huge things from men in the name of love. Look at Aladdin. He gets thrown into jail, escapes to explore a creepy cave in the shape of a demonic tiger and finds a genie… all for Jasmine’s love. But it doesn’t end there. In Beauty and the Beast, Beast fights Gaston who “eats four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large, and now that he’s grown he eats five dozen eggs so he’s roughly the size of a barge” (his words). He almost DIES for Belle and he’s only known her for like a week. The list goes on and on. John Smith betrays his country for Pocahontas and Prince Philip fights a magical dragon lady (who still terrifies me to this day) for Aurora, the Sleeping Beauty. My future husband is going to have to pull out the big guns. If he doesn’t have a near death experience due to his devotional love, I’m not going to be satisfied.
The men in Disney movies aren’t real beings. Fighting an evil villain when you’re a cartoon isn’t scary. If you die, you stop getting drawn. There’s no real draw back, but if you’re human, fighting an evil villain would be terrifying. Personally, I wouldn’t fight a dragon or a witch for anybody. Not even Gerard Butler and he’s my dream man. But I have another problem with these princes. Has anyone noticed how perfect all the men are in Disney movies? For one, they’re all gorgeous. They’ve all got broad shoulders, super lean bodies, and perfectly chiselled jaws. On top of that, they’re all incredibly polite and nice ALL THE TIME. The prince in Cinderella is literally named “Prince Charming”. This is not the real world.
I have a bone to pick with the princesses. They’re even worse than the men. Like I said, when I was little I wanted to be like them. I still want to be like them! But it’s impossible. All the women have incredibly tiny waists, legs that go for miles, perfect hair, and big boobs. We’re lucky enough to get ONE of those qualities, let alone ALL of them. Ariel, honey, I’m sorry, but in the real world you wouldn’t be so perky with just two little purple shells holding you up. Also, if you showed up on a random beach, completely mute, dancing around with seafood and combing your hair with a fork, a guy wouldn’t take you into his home and take care of you. He’d send you to an institution.
The Disney movies are ridiculous. The concepts just aren’t logical. John Smith and Pocahontas wouldn’t fall in love; they have a huge language barrier. They might have painted with all the colours of the wind, but once their fun is done they would go their separate ways. Prince Charming wouldn’t have found Cinderella locked in a basement because she never would have gotten to the ball in the first place. Pumpkins do not change into carriages. Snow White would have been trapped in a glass coffin until she suffocated because nobody would want to kiss a body they thought had been decaying for a week. Beauty and the Beast wouldn’t have worked out, he’d have eaten her along with the wolves and if she’d survived by some chance, bestiality is socially unacceptable. How am I supposed to find my true love when he’s either a convict or an over-sized dog? Am I destined to be alone because Disney movies have ruined my idea of romance?
Overall, I understand that Disney movies aren’t real. They’re made up stories to make people believe in true love. It’s great to have a little romance, but in the end I’ll be happy with someone who says “I love you” every day and truly means it.
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