That Is A Hard Thing To Do

My 20th birthday did not disappoint.
About 25 of my friends and I drank on the floor then went to a country bar at West Edmonton Mall called Whiskey Jack's. Multiple boy mistakes, 7 shots of tequila (that I REMEMBER) and lots of country music results in me being kicked out of the bar. Apparently this is a very hard thing to do. I, Shmemma, was kicked out of an Albertan bar. Oh I am so proud.
This is how it happened.

It was my birthday. I was really excited. I was saying goodbye to my teens and wanted to get really drunk. School has been kicking my ass and here I was presented with an entire weekend to forget my worries. Boy, did I try my hardest to forget them. So many free shots from everyone. A free shot every hour from the VIP lounge. 3$ highballs which I had lots of. I was totally fine... until about 1am. I'd started drinking at 6 and was perfect. I was messed up, but I was great. Everything was amazing... until Shorty took my phone and called P, leaving a nice little voicemail that went something like this..

"Hey! You're a complete idiot for letting the best girl on earth go. You know what? She loves me and I love her will all my heart. You fucked up!"
with me screaming ''no, no, no, no" in the background.

After the phone call, I dont really know what happened. I looked around all the whole world spun. Next thing I know, I'm sitting hunched over with my face about an inch from the ground. Within a few minutes of sitting, I looked up to Stoico said ''bathroom'' and off we went. I threw up 3 or 4 times in the bathroom of the bar, apparently punctuating a new wave of vomit with "Oh God, he called P." over and over and over again. Then I was escorted out of the bar by two nice big security guys. Kicked out with a ''have a nice night ladies!".

Stoico got a cab while WD hung me over the back of a car in the parking lot. Stoico got me a big garbage bag for the cab which I used... a little too much. I threw up so many times. I blacked out in the cab ride and don't really remember what was going on.

I was let past the Lister check point immediately because they reognized me. Phew, because I wouldn not have been able to find my ID, let alone say my own name.
Saw J Rock and Fruitvale in the hallway with some other 5k friends and apparently responded to their greetings by throwing up in said garbage bag. Next thing you know, I'm waking up the next morning to a phone call from my mum wishing me a happy birthday.

Oh jesus.

I texted P and apologized. Oh holy crap was he upset. He said the voicemail was ''incredibly threatening and rude" which is translated to "why the hell did you wake me up with this garbage? I was lying in bed with my girlfriend (who still doesn't know about you) and now I'm in trouble. Why are you in my life?". I apologized again and deleted his number from my phone, once and for all. No more waiting for me. He CLEARLY does not want anything to do with me.

Kanye called me last night. We talked and I was so out of it (incredibly exhausted) but I definitely caught an ''I miss you", an "I can't stop thinking about you" and an "I keep coming back because a bit of me is madly in love with you".
Oh jesus.

What am I going to do?

I just want it to be christmas.

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Only The Good Die Young

Gabi,

I envy your courage. No one judges you for the decision you made. I cried to my parents on the phone today and my mum said that you didn't hurt at the end. You're so brave and I'll miss you. I don't really pray, but tonight as I fall asleep I'll be saying a prayer for you.

R.I.P. Gabrielle. The world was a better place with you in it.

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Do You Know What Time It Is?

I make the good guys bad
and the bad guys worse
Nice girls come last
because I'm always first

Do you know what time it is?

It's birthday time.

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A Quarter of the Way to Death

Hurrah! Sounds morbid, but it actually makes me feel accomplished. I've lived approximately a quarter of my life!

Sometimes it was hard, I'm glad I got here.

20.

Wow, hey? Beware world - I'm soon out of my teens and I promise I'll be crazier than ever.

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"At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry."

I'm lucky to have my friends in my life.

Last night Bunny and I had a long midnight talk. It was great to get some stuff off my chest that I've been keeping to myself for awhile. I feel so much better. Lighter. More free.

Best friends are the people that carry your fears with them so that you have a lighter load.

I'm excited to go home at christmas time and see my Vancouver girls. I'm homesick for them.

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"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

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Thin, Thin, Thin

I'm sitting in my psychology night class, not paying attention as usual.
But tonight I'm actually doing something productive - I'm working on my oral communications essay/project.
We have to create a 3 point speech on something we feel strongly about.

My problem was that I was thinking of things that were safe, "I'll talk about waterpolo, about athletes" or "I'll talk about dyeing hair, and the dangerous side effects that can occur" but today I spoke with my professor. She told me to write about something that's effecting me right now.

And you know what's effecting me? Not waterpolo, not the side effects of dyeing hair,

but anorexia.

and I am disgusted. Not by the people doing it, they're victims, but by the people causing it. I'm enraged. I'm not the one who's battling anorexia, I used to prefer self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I don't have the willpower to starve myself to be honest. I tried it for about 3 months, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle the fatigue at sports practice or the headaches I'd get throughout the day. Eventually I'd give in and binge eat.

Unfortunately, someone I care about dearly has better will power than I do. She's young, too young to be hating her body the way she does and I wish I could do something to help her. I'm doing all that I can right now (God, I hope I'm doing everything I can) but I wish I could be there, giving her a hug. I wish I could sit next to her and tell her to her face how beautiful I think she is. I wish she could hear how people talk about her body, how gorgeous they think she is.

I'm sad for her. I'm sad that she didn't get to skip over this part of her life, that she has to go through the thoughts and feelings that I did. I can't handle losing this person.

I'm tearing up.

I'll die if I lose her. My heart can't even take the thought of it.

It's an obsession. Reading through people's posts on websites about their battles with anorexia, I see clearly that it's all they think about and all they care about.

"everything will be fine once I'm thin"


I'm guilty of thinking this thought, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to be thin. I've been fighting my weight since I can remember, but I've gained so much confidence in the last year.
I have curves, I have hips, I have boobs. I have something to hold on to.
And while I might not be considered delicate or fragile, I'm beautiful. I have flushed cheeks and warm skin, something someone who's starving themselves doesn't have. If you want someone who's skinny, fine. You're not worth my time in the first place. Why does our society focus so much on how we look and not what we have to offer the world? That girl over there, she might be 250 pounds, but you know what? She's incredibly smart. In fact, she's going to find the cure for cancer.

Too bad she committed suicide after being called "fat" too many times.

What has our world come to? Honestly.

What the fuck is everyone thinking? When did starving ourselves for beauty become glamorous?

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"you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you."

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a damn thing hasn't changed, unless it's you.

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Spice Up Your Life

If you know me in real life, you'll know that I don't really have a set "style".
One day I'm wearing a floral dress with cute earrings, the next day I have heavy eyeliner and I'm rocking the studded, well, everything look.

I'm constantly changing my look. I like change, I find it exciting. I get bored quickly and easily.
I just changed my hair :) It is now a purpley red, like it was in september. My hair was looking kind of brown lately and while that looks great and works well for some people, it's my own personal nightmare. I think I'm going to put my nose ring in again. Yes, I like the jeweled stud but it doesn't feel special. Plus I only changed the ring in the first place because we were having snobby family photos taken and my mum didn't want me to look like (and I quote) a "barn yard animal/biker girlfriend".

Sorry mum, but I'm feeling the barn yard animal biker girlfriend look again.

I need more tattoos and piercings. Sigh.

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SMRT!

I've been spending a lazy friday, mainly on the computer.

I've been looking up IQ and personality tests because I find them interesting. I just don't understand how drawing a pig can tell you that much about me. Whether or not it has large eyes or four feet.. who really cares? Why does a pig facing left mean optimism, but a pig facing right means realism? Maybe I just like pigs that face left, alright? I drew a pig with a big tail. Apparently that means I have an AMAZING sex life. Well, I'll tell you, my last few hook ups haven't been that amazing my friend. Sure, it's okay, but I've only had mind blowing sex with a few people. I don't think those sexual encounters have subconsciously affected me to draw a huge tail on a pig.

Of course that won't stop me from messing around with more personality tests or anything because I do them for fun. I just feel bad for the people that take those things seriously. Someone sent me something the other day. It was a description of your personality according to what card your birthday corresponded to. I was the seven of hearts. Yes, a lot of the things seemed to describe me pretty spot on, but when I thought about it... how many people have the same birthday as me? How many people are represented by the same card?

These tests make me feel like I'm not an individual - that there are plenty of other people out there exactly like me. Where has the magic gone?

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100 Truths

Here, a little about me.

100 Truths!

1. Last beverage - beer. at the rodeo and then at Duke's
2. Last phone call - Toni just called me to plan our movie date tomorrow night.
3. Last text message - Dino, talking about feeling wonderful.
4. Last song you listened to - Heartbeat by Enrique and Nicole Scher..al23948234 whatever her name is.
5. Last time you cried - during my fight with Dino, so probably about a month ago or so? I don't cry often.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice - yes, and I would do it again. with someone else this time. three times is just silly.
7. Been cheated on? yes, but I didn't care about the person I was dating enough to be hurt. blessing in disguise!
8. Kissed someone? yes, I love kissing :)
9. Lost someone special? unfortunately I've lost a few. only one that's died.
10. Been depressed? yes, but I'm totally out of that stage. luckily.
11. Been drunk and threw up? yes, but I know my limits. I think throwing up after drinking is ridiculous and makes you look like an idiot. I've learned my lesson.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. sunshine yellow
13. pale pink
14. hunter green
15. black

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → yes, that's a great thing about going to university and living in a dorm. I meet tones of new people constantly.
17. Fallen out of love → o, I don't think you ever fully fall out of love. I may not be with the person anymore, but the things that made me love them are still there.
18. Laughed until you cried → yes, last time it was because Dino showed me a photo of an astronaut cat. It's not too hard to make my cry laugh.
19. Met someone who changed you→ I think everyone you have a deep relationship with changes you.
20. Found out who your true friends were → definitely. it's hard to prove to me, but once it's done you're there for life.
21. Found out someone was talking about you → of course, people like to talk about other people. I forgive, but I don't forget.
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → hah. a few.
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → every single one.
24. How many kids do you want to have→ 0
25. Do you have any pets → I have two dogs and a little sister.
26. Do you want to change your name→ sometimes I think yes, but I wouldn't ever actually go through with it. it's weird, but I'm connected to my name. I think everyone is.
27. What did you do for your last birthday? I had two seperate parties. went out dancing and drinking both times. I had a good time.
28. What time did you wake up today → 12.50pm. that's what happens when you stay out late.
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → watching mtv online
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → my birthday in two weeks.
31. Last time you saw your father→ I saw him on skype about a week ago. otherwise it's been about 2 months.
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - nothing. I believe everything happens for a reason. yeah, somethings suck but it makes you stronger and teaches you a lesson.
33. What are you listening to right now → kind of already asked this question.
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → yeah, Morgan's family friend who pretended he was a 12 year old autistic boy.
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → I was going to write "fake people", but I think "liars" is a better term.
36. Most visited webpage -> facebook, not going to lie.
37. What’s your name→ emma
38. Nicknames→ pinky, princess emerella, cinderemma, shmemma, shmems, em, emskies
39. Relationship Status → happily single. waiting for the right person?
40. Zodiac sign→ sagittarius
41. Male or female → female
42. Elementary - Quilchena
43. Middle School → didn't have one
44. High school → Point Grey Secondary
45. Hair colour → RED.
46. Long or short → medium. it's growing.
47. Height → 5’10 giant.
48. Do you have a crush on someone? → not really, no.
49: What do you like about yourself? → I like a lot of things about myself. my sense of humour and ability to make people laugh, for one.
50. Piercings → 6 in my ears, my nose and my...
51. Tattoos → I have two currently.
52. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
53. First surgery → wisdom teeth I suppose
54. First piercing → ears
55. First best friend → this girl named Sara. she jumped on my bed, hit her face, and lost her front teeth. good times.
56. First sport you joined → t-ball when I was wittle.
57. First pet → Juno.. fluffy dog.
58. First vacation→ to England, but I was a baby.
59. First concert - Lotus Child
60. First crush → Jordan Kelly from elementary school. that guy was such a cutie.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → nothing but I'm starving. hopefully that will change once Dino's home!
62. Drinking → nothing
63. Already missing → my family.
64. I’m about to → get food and study
65. Listening to → again, this question.
66. Thinking about→ what I'm going to get for dinner! yum! and whether or not I can go out looking like I am right now without people screaming and running away.
67. Waiting for → Dino

YOUR FUTURE :
68. Want kids? → NO. no thank you.
69. Want to get married? → most definitely.
70. Careers in mind → psychologist, actress

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
71. Lips or eyes → Eyes, I'm not a lips person. I don't like staring at them. They creep me out.
72. Hugs or kisses → kisses
73. Shorter or taller → taller
74. Older or Younger → older by about 4 years.
75. Romantic or spontaneous → both, but if I'd have to choose spontaneous. it's kind of romantic in itself.
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → arms, you see them more often.
77. Sensitive or loud → they're not really opposites. I don't like loud people, but I don't want someone too sensitive either.
78. Hook-up or relationship → relationship, I like stability.
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
80. Kissed a stranger → yes
81. Drank hard liquor → yes
82. Lost glasses/contacts → don't really "lose" them.
83. Had sex on 1st date - .. no? yes. oops?
84. Broken someone’s heart- not too sure about that one. probably. both people hurt in a break up.
85. Had your own heart broken → yes, sucks.
86. Been arrested → almost on a few occasions, but no thank goodness.
87. Turned someone down → yes, but nicely.
88. Cried when someone died → cried a lot. it's how I got some emotion out.
89. Like someone of the same sex - not romantically, no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself - definitely. I'm the only one I can count on.
91. Miracles → no. but I do believe in luck and hard work.
92. Love at first sight → I don't know. Lust? Attraction?
93. Heaven → too cynical for that. when you're dead, you're dead.
94. Santa Claus → what do you mean, do I believe in Santa Claus? I believe in him as much as I believe in the government caring about people!
95. Kiss on the first date? heck yes. let's get smooching!
96. Angels - no. I wish.


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → yes, all the time.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → well. kind of. technically.
99. Wish you could change things in your past?→ no, I don't believe in dwelling over regrets. people need to learn to move on.
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → sure.

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You Make Me Feel Like I'm Living A Teenage Dream

loyaltolove.blogspot.com

My new idea. All about finding, enjoying, and losing The One.

Obviously won't replace this blog, but this is a side project. Check it out.

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Tell Me What To Do About You

The situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Something was starting up with Kanye and I again. The late night phone calls, the "it was so great to see you again" text messages, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach when I saw his name on my phone,

and the disappointment.

Always letting me down but making up for it with that gorgeous voice of his. I thought he was done with the excuses and lies, but apparently people really can't change - no matter how badly you wish they could.


We were supposed to have a date tonight. He was going to make me dinner, we were going to watch a movie, and we were going to go for a walk. After our phone conversation the other night where I asked him if he really wanted to be with me, I thought things would be good. And they were... until I woke up.

He didn't talk to me for two days, then calls me today starting the conversation with "you're going to be SO pissed at me...". Not the best way to say hello, but it worked. Turns out he "forgot" we were going to hang out. I told him to call me back when he figured out how important I was to him.


I went to the gym to cool off and talked things out with Dino. I really care about Kanye and I don't want him out of my life, but it could never work between us. We want different things, we have different life styles and expectations, and we're going different places. Last year I blamed timing on us not working out, but now I realize that it never could have worked out, regardless of timing.

It's not meant to be and I hope we can stay friends. I still want to hear that gorgeous voice every now and then.

I'm a little sad, but that will pass quickly. I know that this is right. It feels good. Like this is what was supposed to happen all along and only now am I mature enough to be in this place. I'm being unselfish and that's weird. Usually I hold any romance I can get close to my chest, but now I'm letting it go without a fight.


I'm not scared to be single. I need some "me" time.

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