There's No Place Like Home

but what happens when home no longer wants you?

I didn't get back into residence for next year, and I don't understand it. I consider Lister more home than I do Vancouver now, I consider these people a second family. I look out for them, and they look out for me. I hang out in the lounge, I clean up after parties, I'm friends with everyone, I'm not a crazy drinker, and I help people out as much as I can.
I'm on the waiting list. 94th.

It's not going to happen, there are only about 300 open spaces. A third of the people who got in aren't going to drop out.

So.. I'm looking for a place to live next year. Scary. I may not even come back to U of A next year. Everything is so up in the air now, I was really betting on getting back into residence.

I'm devastated, and I'm angry. I got screwed and then bad luck found me too. I just.. don't understand. Some people on the floor are coming back that really don't deserve it, what did I do wrong?

I don't know. I could come back to Schaeffer possibly, but honestly? I'd kind of rather live outside of residence. Schaeffer doesn't seem like any fun at all.

FML. it's a terrible day.

The surprise goes down tomorrow, but I'm no longer in the mood.


It looks like it's going to rain in Edmonton. It's a sad day. Even the sky is crying for me.

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My Own Personal Hell

The table was wobbling all over the place, drinks had already been spilled all over the bench. A pad was stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and that overly gay guy kept screaming that he wanted to ''go shopping with these straight bitches!". The ultra violet lighting was a mistake, I could see way too much history... everywhere. I had a huge drink infront of me, but I wasn't drunk. Not even a little tipsy, plus Dino's hot friend that I was kind of interested in was a total let down. Not attracted to him at all. He cheated on his girlfriend at the club with 2 different girls. Man whore. No thank you. I don't even want to look at that.
How could it get any worse?

Shania Twain started blaring in the background, and about 40 people started singing along.

What did I do to deserve going to hell like this?

It's got to get better. It can't get worse.

I jinxed it, Taylor Swift started playing.

I had to get out of there. The place was disgusting - they decorated the bar by sticking pads all over the place. Everyone in there was trash. Dino stayed, so I cabbed home alone. I was glad to be gone, the people in Buddy's (the bar) freaked the crap out of me. Being from Vancouver, I've met people that are ''different''. The people that frequent Buddy's are freaking aliens.

Kanye and I are a mess. I think. I don't know. We yelled at eachother, I cried, we talked it out.. and we are going to try and be friends. I don't want to be friends, and I'm sad to be honest. It's been 6 months of back and forth and I really care about him. I'd finally allowed myself to fall for him. To trust him.
Okay, friends. I can do friends...maybe. I will TRY and be friends. I won't let my feelings get in the way. I will...try? and not let me feelings get in the way.

On a good note, I realized P isn't the one for me. This is a huge deal! I need to stop letting myself think he was a better guy than he really is. I should be with someone who wouldn't let me go so easily.

I was supposed to go to Mannville for the weekend, but I had this stupid essay to write. Finally finished it today. No sheep washing for me, just yet. Shawna, Dino's mum, was going to buy me easter candy. That's so sweet. I can't wait to meet her. I'm really lucky, all my friends here are so generous. Stoico invited my over for Easter weekend, and Dino's mum invites me out to Mannville. If it was Thanksgiving, I'd make a turkey thank you card. I'll count my blessings anyways.

I have something up my sleeve, and I can't wait to surprise everyone...

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Heartbeat Drumming Double Time

"What are the fat bitches doing out?"
"Is it fat night at the club?"
"Hah! Fat bitchesss!"

Fat.

I got out of the cab and waited for Dino and Natewoo to get out with Shoes. I looked at the club and noticed 4 or 5 people, drunkenly falling all over the place, about to cross the same crosswalk we were. I faced them and that's when they started shouting.

I have never been more humiliated. Now, I know I'm a bigger girl - do you think I don't? It's not something you can live with and not notice. I'm not an idiot, but I'm trying to change things by eating better and exercising. What are you going to do about your arrogance and lack of manners?

I suggest you jump off a cliff. Thanks.

I couldn't help it, I cried.

I walked away and into the club with a blank expression on my face. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, and I wanted to die. I felt my cheeks flame up and I went into shock. The others hadn't heard anything, they were joking around as we walked. I would have been too, but I was distracted by the yelling.

I felt like shit. I barely got in before I needed to sit down.

And I cried. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop. I was disgusted. With them, and me. That's not fair of anyone to do to someone else. It may sound naive, but I was astounded. What had I done to them? I hadn't even looked at them rudely. They saw a weakness and decided to embarrass me by exploiting it. I've never had someone be so mean to me before.

It hurt me so badly because I felt like they were confirming what I feared everyone else thought when they saw me. Natewoo and Dino are ''bigger'' as well, but they're easily on the small side of the scale. They both look gorgeous, can shop at normal clothing stores, and they get a lot of attention from guys. It felt horrible. They tried telling me I was beautiful, etc, but I don't feel it.

But I'm good at faking it.

Everyone thinks I'm so confident and secure, but I'm not at all. Of course I can trick people into thinking I am, look at what I want to do with my life. I'm all about getting into character, and Confident Emma is one of the faces I put on most often.

It stung, they might as well have spat on me. Instead they just whoofed at me, like I was a dog. You'd think I'd have said something or at least looked back at them, but I couldn't. I turned to stone. I've always stuck up for myself, but I was too devastated.

They shot me between the eyes, but I didn't get the grace of dying.

Instead I get to live with their words in my head.

I hate them for making me hate myself, even more than I did before.

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A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I passed out at 6.30pm today. It figures, since I barely slept this weekend, but still. That early?! I probably would have slept uncomfortably all night in my bra with the lights on, but luckily Dino came in to grab a caterpillar Thank You card I have. Thanks mum, I knew they'd come in handy.

I was having a great dream. Girls will understand when I say that I had a dream where I fell in love with someone I've never seen or met before. I don't know who he is or if he really exists. He probably doesn't, but as soon as I woke up I looked around for some evidence of him.

Has my sad, dull love life really come to this?! Do I have to find my only romance in night time adventures in my mind?
What happened to the days when a girl with a D cup bra and long eyelashes could get a boyfriend?

Maybe the apocalypse really is coming - this would be the strongest sign so far.

Kanye and I spoke briefly last night, but honestly? It's too late. I've already turned away from him and shut my heart off. I stayed up til the sun rose on Christmas morning to talk to him because his mum was sick, but I call him because someone has died and I get brushed off after 30 seconds. Well, too bad boy. Now I'm brushing you off. It's okay though, if I had to hear his voicemail one more time I would have gone on a murderous rampage.

Dino and I have a competition for next year. Whoever gets the highest GPA for our next year gets something from the other. Personally, I want to make her dye herself blue but she won't do it. Coward! In all fairness, it's because of her job, but I don't care. Seeing her as a smurf would brighten my year. I'll have to think of something better.. suggestions appreciated.
If she wins, her idea (for now) is to make me delete everything P and to never look at his facebook/whatever page AGAIN.
Dino, you cruel, cruel, beast. That means he can never father my children!

The children that I don't want, but whatever. Having children means you had sexy time first. Maybe I can skip the children part.

That reminds me, congratulations to Dino on getting the job she's wanted so badly! And congrats to Beaver for an amazing presentation today.

Congratulations to me for... getting dumped, even in a dream. What have I done lately? Well, my leg fell asleep the other day and I managed to get sensation back while skipping the painful stage of pins and needles. I was actually proud of that.
Still am, now that I mention it.

St Patty's Day tomorrow! I'm going to have one glass of green beer, and that's it. Saint Patrick's Day is never very.. safe for me. Black Magic and I tend to get injured on this dear day. I still have multiple big scars on my hands that'll probably show up nicely in wedding photos. She had to wear tights to our prom because the scars on her knees were so bad. Holy moly.
Dino wants to go pub hopping and grab some wings, we'll see.
I have to have some strength because

NATALIE IS COMING ON THURSDAY!

and you know what that means... crazy time.
She has never experienced partying like this before.

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Only The Good Die Young

I remember seeing you coming down the hallway and thinking to myself ''my God, he's gorgeous'', but never having the guts to say it to anyone but myself.
And you were gorgeous. Blonde hair, beautiful eyes, and a friendly smile that made anyone feel comfortable. You were popular, but I don't think anyone thought you were even a bit of a jerk.
You seemed to live life pretty hard, but now that's not a problem.

Because you died on saturday.

Turns out you had leukemia. Your family didn't even know, it was a shock to everybody. You were a soccer player - athletic, competitive, and strong. How did your body deteriorate like that? I don't understand how someone so healthy, so full of life, could one day have their life turned upside down like you did.

It must have been so scary for you. My dad says you were probably exhausted all the time. As an athlete, that would kill me. I can't even begin to think about how you felt. Were you scared? Knowing you were so young and only had weeks to live?
One day you had your entire life set out before you. The next, doctors are telling you you have less than a month.

You didn't get to grow up. You never experienced falling in love, having your heart broken, getting married, having children, being a grandparent. And you won't get to. Because for some reason, you weren't meant to grow up.

You'll never take another shower, you'll never call your mom again, you'll never sink into the pillows on your bed and hope for sweet dreams.

Because you died saturday.

How did you die?

I don't understand and it's really screwing with my head. I've taken so much for granted and I feel guilty. This has shaken me, really badly. I feel like I need to apologize, but I'm not entirely sure to who. To God? To my family? To my friends? To myself?

I'd love to say that my entire outlook on life has permanently changed, but all I can promise is that I'll try.

I'm so sorry you never got to experience what I've taken for granted.

I'm so, so, so sorry.

RIP Oliver Matthew
you didn't deserve to go this early.

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Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Sailor's Life For Me

Last night there was a nautical themed ''ship night''. Main floor of Lister there is a sport's bar, sans alcohol, where they sometimes throw parties. The girls convinced me to get dressed up, so Dino and I were sailor's while Beaver and J-Rock were pirates. We made a sexy crew.
I was wearing a pencil skirt with a white tank top underneath, bright red lipstick, and a sailor's hat. Dino was rocking her Halloween sailor costume (which has come in handy lately) while the sexy pirates were wearing short shorts, pirate hats, and fishnets.
Ship night sucked. After downing a drink, we headed off to Union with a bunch of the boys. We had our free drinks and got our $10 and cabbed to Champs (down the street from residence). Everyone was dressed up and it was awesome! Plenty of mermaids, sailors, lifeguards, and pirates.
We split a teamer and holy man. Beer just does me in every time. I hung out with T Swift for most of the night and it was a blast.
This morning, however, was not so much fun.
My head STILL hurts. Those stupid new pink curtains didn't help at all either, the light was just killing my eyes.

Kanye called me twice last night, but I didn't have my phone on me. He left a voicemail saying he's sorry he's been a jerk and that he saw I'd called and if I'd hear him out, he'd like to talk about it.
What the hell?! It makes it a lot easier to be mad at a guy when he's not being sweet and mature.
Dino made me promise I wouldn't call him, so I didn't.
I'm not sure what to do.

So, all in all, I had a great night for FREE. I love university and Edmonton.

I need more noodles.

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I Just Want To Be Sedated

Last semester I didn't do well in school, thanks to my friend Swine Flu. This semester I'm really having to kick it into high gear so that I don't get on academic probation - very embarassing.
I'm doing really well in my Play Analysis class, decently in English, and pretty well in Sociology. My first midterm for soc was good, but I knew I could have done better. I just didn't start studying soon enough. This time I've been studying for a week and I think I can ace it. I'm just nervous. I'm going to get a good night's sleep and that should help.

Still freakin' nervous though.

Gagsalot is having a rough time, but I don't no how to help anymore. I've given all the advice I can, now all I can do is be there for her which I will do until the end. It's what a good friend does - seems some people in my life don't know the defintion anymore.

Drunken text messages do not a good friend make.

On a side note, i did a great job shopping for groceries with Dino and Beaver today. Only $30 for about 2 weeks worth of groceries! Usually I just buy everything in sight. I'm growing up.

On a side note, I can't wait to go back to camp as a counsellor for another year at camp.

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I Jinxed Myself

First ''time of the month'' for me in three years.

THREE YEARS.

I jinxed myself.

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Your Stomach Hurts? Well, My Uterus is Cramping.

Fathers, brothers, uncles, boyfriends, and male best friends alike can agree that having a female in your life who is PMSing can be a terrifying experience.

As a girl I get to enjoy the emotional roller coaster (once I fell down the stairs sobbing because my sister's dog ate my favourite flip flop), but living in residence I'm getting to empathize with the guys' side of things.

I live down a hallway with 15 other girls. A little science for you all - when living in close proximity, girls tend to get the same ''that'' cycle.

Now, imagine.. 15 girls PMSing at the same time. Girls can be bitchy anyways, but I'm starting to think the building may be burned down accidentally during a bra burning feminist revolt.

As Dino maniacally screamed today "THE BIRTH CONTROL IS TAKING AWAY MY HORMONAL CRAZINESS!" from the bathroom stall, my mind wandered...

are we safe or should I get a fire proof blanket?

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Oh I Had A Lot To Say, Was Thinkin' On My Time Away

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds.

It's been a long time! The past two months have been filled with a lot of fun stories, but also a few lessons.

Lesson #1 - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Second chances are good things to give people, it shows that you can forgive and forget (or at least pretend to forget). Sometimes it's really hard to forgive people when they've hurt you badly, but time heals most pain and eventually a neutral stance can be reached. For me, I no longer wanted to stomp my stilettos into J's ball sack, causing him excruciating pain. I've forgiven him for what he did way back in highschool, but it turns out that he still lacks the same maturity he didn't have back then. It is pretty pathetic to blame other people for all of your problems, it shows that you have no sense of responsibility or self respect. So, good luck J. I hope you find a woman dumb enough to believe all the crap you spew. I, on the other hand, am just proud of myself for finally being able to forgive someone that I never thought I'd be able to speak to again. I guess I'm growing up a little. Doesn't mean I'll ever forgive Oxymoron though, she fucked that one up royally.

Lesson #2 - "Beware of straight guys pretending to be gay guys."

You think a guy in a gay bar rubbing up against you begging you "spank me! spank me!" would be gay, right? Well, it turns out that isn't always the case. Dino was wearing a sailor outfit which got us a lot of attention. Usually a good thing, until the creepy straight guys realize you're not in fact lesbians, you're just two straight girls dancing together. Damn it.

Dino had this weird lanky ginger guy with gross facial hair, and I had a short but nerdy looking guy who enjoyed trying to put his hands up my dress without my noticing. He was kissing my neck and it felt like he was trying to fill my ear canal with spit so I couldn't hear all the lame pick up lines he was using. He really showed his charm with "I've been watching you all night, I think you're gorgeous'' and ''you've been keeping me hard for hours [insert slight thrusting here]". This guy was so creepy that I found myself missing my good friend The Ass Raper from my first gay bar experience. Watch out ladies! A little tip - pretend you're lesbian. Do it for your sanity and safety.

Lesson #3 - "Real women drink beer."

Personally, I love beer. The only problem is the calorie count. My right arm is starting to look like it's carrying a child somewhere between my bicep and my elbow. Not so attractive.

But think about this, ladies. Even if you don't drink a lot, you can easily spend $40 dollars going to a club or bar and getting drunk. By the end of the night with cab rides, midnight snacks, and cover you can be down $80. Personally, I'd rather buy a new pair of shoes or a handbag instead of spending all my money on something I won't feel the effects of after, other than a pretty heavy hang over the next morning and most likely embarrassing photos on facebook.

Beer is cheaper! Plus you'll never know what sexy guy is admiring your beer pong skills until you give it a try...

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