It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I'M GOING HOME TODAY!

We're getting our tree(s) and decorating them, along with the whole house, as soon as I land in Vancouver. Oh lordy I am so excited. It's been such a tough semester, I've tried so hard, I need some time to relax! Tomorrow is my birthday party with all my Vancouver friends and I could not be happier. Everything is so perfect right now. I can't wait to see my family and friends.

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!

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You Just Don't Get It

Seriously, I don't like you!

Leave me alone!

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Screw You Walt Disney

(my theater final is tomorrow. this is the "essay" i wrote for it. i have to present it orally. phew!)

Walt Disney is a terrible man. He has ruined my life. His movies have completely ruined my perception of romance. Life isn’t nearly as romantic as an 80 minute children’s movie suggests and I’m upset. Since I was little I’ve been obsessed with Disney princesses. My first Halloween costume was a pink princess, followed by being Belle for the next 5 consecutive years. I finally changed costumes, but at the last minute decided that being Ariel the little mermaid was a better choice. Who wants to be a farm animal when you can be a beautiful princess that everyone loves? From then on I was hooked. For birthdays and Christmases I asked for dress up costumes. The only time I showed any wavering of interest was when I was 6 and my aunt bought me a sceptre. I yelled ‘’off with her head’’ for about a week until I went back to my princess ways. Power was great, but I wanted adoration. I wanted love.
The problem is that thanks to Walt Disney, SCREW YOU WALT DISNEY!, my idea of love is completely skewed. I pity my future husband, that guy is going to have such a rough time keeping me happy. They say ‘’a happy wife is a happy life’’ and he has quite a challenge in front of him. Thanks to our pal Walt I expect huge things from men in the name of love. Look at Aladdin. He gets thrown into jail, escapes to explore a creepy cave in the shape of a demonic tiger and finds a genie… all for Jasmine’s love. But it doesn’t end there. In Beauty and the Beast, Beast fights Gaston who “eats four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large, and now that he’s grown he eats five dozen eggs so he’s roughly the size of a barge” (his words). He almost DIES for Belle and he’s only known her for like a week. The list goes on and on. John Smith betrays his country for Pocahontas and Prince Philip fights a magical dragon lady (who still terrifies me to this day) for Aurora, the Sleeping Beauty. My future husband is going to have to pull out the big guns. If he doesn’t have a near death experience due to his devotional love, I’m not going to be satisfied.
The men in Disney movies aren’t real beings. Fighting an evil villain when you’re a cartoon isn’t scary. If you die, you stop getting drawn. There’s no real draw back, but if you’re human, fighting an evil villain would be terrifying. Personally, I wouldn’t fight a dragon or a witch for anybody. Not even Gerard Butler and he’s my dream man. But I have another problem with these princes. Has anyone noticed how perfect all the men are in Disney movies? For one, they’re all gorgeous. They’ve all got broad shoulders, super lean bodies, and perfectly chiselled jaws. On top of that, they’re all incredibly polite and nice ALL THE TIME. The prince in Cinderella is literally named “Prince Charming”. This is not the real world.

I have a bone to pick with the princesses. They’re even worse than the men. Like I said, when I was little I wanted to be like them. I still want to be like them! But it’s impossible. All the women have incredibly tiny waists, legs that go for miles, perfect hair, and big boobs. We’re lucky enough to get ONE of those qualities, let alone ALL of them. Ariel, honey, I’m sorry, but in the real world you wouldn’t be so perky with just two little purple shells holding you up. Also, if you showed up on a random beach, completely mute, dancing around with seafood and combing your hair with a fork, a guy wouldn’t take you into his home and take care of you. He’d send you to an institution.

The Disney movies are ridiculous. The concepts just aren’t logical. John Smith and Pocahontas wouldn’t fall in love; they have a huge language barrier. They might have painted with all the colours of the wind, but once their fun is done they would go their separate ways. Prince Charming wouldn’t have found Cinderella locked in a basement because she never would have gotten to the ball in the first place. Pumpkins do not change into carriages. Snow White would have been trapped in a glass coffin until she suffocated because nobody would want to kiss a body they thought had been decaying for a week. Beauty and the Beast wouldn’t have worked out, he’d have eaten her along with the wolves and if she’d survived by some chance, bestiality is socially unacceptable. How am I supposed to find my true love when he’s either a convict or an over-sized dog? Am I destined to be alone because Disney movies have ruined my idea of romance?

Overall, I understand that Disney movies aren’t real. They’re made up stories to make people believe in true love. It’s great to have a little romance, but in the end I’ll be happy with someone who says “I love you” every day and truly means it.

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That Is A Hard Thing To Do

My 20th birthday did not disappoint.
About 25 of my friends and I drank on the floor then went to a country bar at West Edmonton Mall called Whiskey Jack's. Multiple boy mistakes, 7 shots of tequila (that I REMEMBER) and lots of country music results in me being kicked out of the bar. Apparently this is a very hard thing to do. I, Shmemma, was kicked out of an Albertan bar. Oh I am so proud.
This is how it happened.

It was my birthday. I was really excited. I was saying goodbye to my teens and wanted to get really drunk. School has been kicking my ass and here I was presented with an entire weekend to forget my worries. Boy, did I try my hardest to forget them. So many free shots from everyone. A free shot every hour from the VIP lounge. 3$ highballs which I had lots of. I was totally fine... until about 1am. I'd started drinking at 6 and was perfect. I was messed up, but I was great. Everything was amazing... until Shorty took my phone and called P, leaving a nice little voicemail that went something like this..

"Hey! You're a complete idiot for letting the best girl on earth go. You know what? She loves me and I love her will all my heart. You fucked up!"
with me screaming ''no, no, no, no" in the background.

After the phone call, I dont really know what happened. I looked around all the whole world spun. Next thing I know, I'm sitting hunched over with my face about an inch from the ground. Within a few minutes of sitting, I looked up to Stoico said ''bathroom'' and off we went. I threw up 3 or 4 times in the bathroom of the bar, apparently punctuating a new wave of vomit with "Oh God, he called P." over and over and over again. Then I was escorted out of the bar by two nice big security guys. Kicked out with a ''have a nice night ladies!".

Stoico got a cab while WD hung me over the back of a car in the parking lot. Stoico got me a big garbage bag for the cab which I used... a little too much. I threw up so many times. I blacked out in the cab ride and don't really remember what was going on.

I was let past the Lister check point immediately because they reognized me. Phew, because I wouldn not have been able to find my ID, let alone say my own name.
Saw J Rock and Fruitvale in the hallway with some other 5k friends and apparently responded to their greetings by throwing up in said garbage bag. Next thing you know, I'm waking up the next morning to a phone call from my mum wishing me a happy birthday.

Oh jesus.

I texted P and apologized. Oh holy crap was he upset. He said the voicemail was ''incredibly threatening and rude" which is translated to "why the hell did you wake me up with this garbage? I was lying in bed with my girlfriend (who still doesn't know about you) and now I'm in trouble. Why are you in my life?". I apologized again and deleted his number from my phone, once and for all. No more waiting for me. He CLEARLY does not want anything to do with me.

Kanye called me last night. We talked and I was so out of it (incredibly exhausted) but I definitely caught an ''I miss you", an "I can't stop thinking about you" and an "I keep coming back because a bit of me is madly in love with you".
Oh jesus.

What am I going to do?

I just want it to be christmas.

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Only The Good Die Young

Gabi,

I envy your courage. No one judges you for the decision you made. I cried to my parents on the phone today and my mum said that you didn't hurt at the end. You're so brave and I'll miss you. I don't really pray, but tonight as I fall asleep I'll be saying a prayer for you.

R.I.P. Gabrielle. The world was a better place with you in it.

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Do You Know What Time It Is?

I make the good guys bad
and the bad guys worse
Nice girls come last
because I'm always first

Do you know what time it is?

It's birthday time.

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A Quarter of the Way to Death

Hurrah! Sounds morbid, but it actually makes me feel accomplished. I've lived approximately a quarter of my life!

Sometimes it was hard, I'm glad I got here.

20.

Wow, hey? Beware world - I'm soon out of my teens and I promise I'll be crazier than ever.

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"At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry."

I'm lucky to have my friends in my life.

Last night Bunny and I had a long midnight talk. It was great to get some stuff off my chest that I've been keeping to myself for awhile. I feel so much better. Lighter. More free.

Best friends are the people that carry your fears with them so that you have a lighter load.

I'm excited to go home at christmas time and see my Vancouver girls. I'm homesick for them.

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"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

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Thin, Thin, Thin

I'm sitting in my psychology night class, not paying attention as usual.
But tonight I'm actually doing something productive - I'm working on my oral communications essay/project.
We have to create a 3 point speech on something we feel strongly about.

My problem was that I was thinking of things that were safe, "I'll talk about waterpolo, about athletes" or "I'll talk about dyeing hair, and the dangerous side effects that can occur" but today I spoke with my professor. She told me to write about something that's effecting me right now.

And you know what's effecting me? Not waterpolo, not the side effects of dyeing hair,

but anorexia.

and I am disgusted. Not by the people doing it, they're victims, but by the people causing it. I'm enraged. I'm not the one who's battling anorexia, I used to prefer self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I don't have the willpower to starve myself to be honest. I tried it for about 3 months, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle the fatigue at sports practice or the headaches I'd get throughout the day. Eventually I'd give in and binge eat.

Unfortunately, someone I care about dearly has better will power than I do. She's young, too young to be hating her body the way she does and I wish I could do something to help her. I'm doing all that I can right now (God, I hope I'm doing everything I can) but I wish I could be there, giving her a hug. I wish I could sit next to her and tell her to her face how beautiful I think she is. I wish she could hear how people talk about her body, how gorgeous they think she is.

I'm sad for her. I'm sad that she didn't get to skip over this part of her life, that she has to go through the thoughts and feelings that I did. I can't handle losing this person.

I'm tearing up.

I'll die if I lose her. My heart can't even take the thought of it.

It's an obsession. Reading through people's posts on websites about their battles with anorexia, I see clearly that it's all they think about and all they care about.

"everything will be fine once I'm thin"


I'm guilty of thinking this thought, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to be thin. I've been fighting my weight since I can remember, but I've gained so much confidence in the last year.
I have curves, I have hips, I have boobs. I have something to hold on to.
And while I might not be considered delicate or fragile, I'm beautiful. I have flushed cheeks and warm skin, something someone who's starving themselves doesn't have. If you want someone who's skinny, fine. You're not worth my time in the first place. Why does our society focus so much on how we look and not what we have to offer the world? That girl over there, she might be 250 pounds, but you know what? She's incredibly smart. In fact, she's going to find the cure for cancer.

Too bad she committed suicide after being called "fat" too many times.

What has our world come to? Honestly.

What the fuck is everyone thinking? When did starving ourselves for beauty become glamorous?

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"you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you."

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a damn thing hasn't changed, unless it's you.

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Spice Up Your Life

If you know me in real life, you'll know that I don't really have a set "style".
One day I'm wearing a floral dress with cute earrings, the next day I have heavy eyeliner and I'm rocking the studded, well, everything look.

I'm constantly changing my look. I like change, I find it exciting. I get bored quickly and easily.
I just changed my hair :) It is now a purpley red, like it was in september. My hair was looking kind of brown lately and while that looks great and works well for some people, it's my own personal nightmare. I think I'm going to put my nose ring in again. Yes, I like the jeweled stud but it doesn't feel special. Plus I only changed the ring in the first place because we were having snobby family photos taken and my mum didn't want me to look like (and I quote) a "barn yard animal/biker girlfriend".

Sorry mum, but I'm feeling the barn yard animal biker girlfriend look again.

I need more tattoos and piercings. Sigh.

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SMRT!

I've been spending a lazy friday, mainly on the computer.

I've been looking up IQ and personality tests because I find them interesting. I just don't understand how drawing a pig can tell you that much about me. Whether or not it has large eyes or four feet.. who really cares? Why does a pig facing left mean optimism, but a pig facing right means realism? Maybe I just like pigs that face left, alright? I drew a pig with a big tail. Apparently that means I have an AMAZING sex life. Well, I'll tell you, my last few hook ups haven't been that amazing my friend. Sure, it's okay, but I've only had mind blowing sex with a few people. I don't think those sexual encounters have subconsciously affected me to draw a huge tail on a pig.

Of course that won't stop me from messing around with more personality tests or anything because I do them for fun. I just feel bad for the people that take those things seriously. Someone sent me something the other day. It was a description of your personality according to what card your birthday corresponded to. I was the seven of hearts. Yes, a lot of the things seemed to describe me pretty spot on, but when I thought about it... how many people have the same birthday as me? How many people are represented by the same card?

These tests make me feel like I'm not an individual - that there are plenty of other people out there exactly like me. Where has the magic gone?

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100 Truths

Here, a little about me.

100 Truths!

1. Last beverage - beer. at the rodeo and then at Duke's
2. Last phone call - Toni just called me to plan our movie date tomorrow night.
3. Last text message - Dino, talking about feeling wonderful.
4. Last song you listened to - Heartbeat by Enrique and Nicole Scher..al23948234 whatever her name is.
5. Last time you cried - during my fight with Dino, so probably about a month ago or so? I don't cry often.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice - yes, and I would do it again. with someone else this time. three times is just silly.
7. Been cheated on? yes, but I didn't care about the person I was dating enough to be hurt. blessing in disguise!
8. Kissed someone? yes, I love kissing :)
9. Lost someone special? unfortunately I've lost a few. only one that's died.
10. Been depressed? yes, but I'm totally out of that stage. luckily.
11. Been drunk and threw up? yes, but I know my limits. I think throwing up after drinking is ridiculous and makes you look like an idiot. I've learned my lesson.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. sunshine yellow
13. pale pink
14. hunter green
15. black

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → yes, that's a great thing about going to university and living in a dorm. I meet tones of new people constantly.
17. Fallen out of love → o, I don't think you ever fully fall out of love. I may not be with the person anymore, but the things that made me love them are still there.
18. Laughed until you cried → yes, last time it was because Dino showed me a photo of an astronaut cat. It's not too hard to make my cry laugh.
19. Met someone who changed you→ I think everyone you have a deep relationship with changes you.
20. Found out who your true friends were → definitely. it's hard to prove to me, but once it's done you're there for life.
21. Found out someone was talking about you → of course, people like to talk about other people. I forgive, but I don't forget.
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → hah. a few.
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → every single one.
24. How many kids do you want to have→ 0
25. Do you have any pets → I have two dogs and a little sister.
26. Do you want to change your name→ sometimes I think yes, but I wouldn't ever actually go through with it. it's weird, but I'm connected to my name. I think everyone is.
27. What did you do for your last birthday? I had two seperate parties. went out dancing and drinking both times. I had a good time.
28. What time did you wake up today → 12.50pm. that's what happens when you stay out late.
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → watching mtv online
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → my birthday in two weeks.
31. Last time you saw your father→ I saw him on skype about a week ago. otherwise it's been about 2 months.
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - nothing. I believe everything happens for a reason. yeah, somethings suck but it makes you stronger and teaches you a lesson.
33. What are you listening to right now → kind of already asked this question.
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → yeah, Morgan's family friend who pretended he was a 12 year old autistic boy.
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → I was going to write "fake people", but I think "liars" is a better term.
36. Most visited webpage -> facebook, not going to lie.
37. What’s your name→ emma
38. Nicknames→ pinky, princess emerella, cinderemma, shmemma, shmems, em, emskies
39. Relationship Status → happily single. waiting for the right person?
40. Zodiac sign→ sagittarius
41. Male or female → female
42. Elementary - Quilchena
43. Middle School → didn't have one
44. High school → Point Grey Secondary
45. Hair colour → RED.
46. Long or short → medium. it's growing.
47. Height → 5’10 giant.
48. Do you have a crush on someone? → not really, no.
49: What do you like about yourself? → I like a lot of things about myself. my sense of humour and ability to make people laugh, for one.
50. Piercings → 6 in my ears, my nose and my...
51. Tattoos → I have two currently.
52. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
53. First surgery → wisdom teeth I suppose
54. First piercing → ears
55. First best friend → this girl named Sara. she jumped on my bed, hit her face, and lost her front teeth. good times.
56. First sport you joined → t-ball when I was wittle.
57. First pet → Juno.. fluffy dog.
58. First vacation→ to England, but I was a baby.
59. First concert - Lotus Child
60. First crush → Jordan Kelly from elementary school. that guy was such a cutie.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → nothing but I'm starving. hopefully that will change once Dino's home!
62. Drinking → nothing
63. Already missing → my family.
64. I’m about to → get food and study
65. Listening to → again, this question.
66. Thinking about→ what I'm going to get for dinner! yum! and whether or not I can go out looking like I am right now without people screaming and running away.
67. Waiting for → Dino

YOUR FUTURE :
68. Want kids? → NO. no thank you.
69. Want to get married? → most definitely.
70. Careers in mind → psychologist, actress

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
71. Lips or eyes → Eyes, I'm not a lips person. I don't like staring at them. They creep me out.
72. Hugs or kisses → kisses
73. Shorter or taller → taller
74. Older or Younger → older by about 4 years.
75. Romantic or spontaneous → both, but if I'd have to choose spontaneous. it's kind of romantic in itself.
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → arms, you see them more often.
77. Sensitive or loud → they're not really opposites. I don't like loud people, but I don't want someone too sensitive either.
78. Hook-up or relationship → relationship, I like stability.
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
80. Kissed a stranger → yes
81. Drank hard liquor → yes
82. Lost glasses/contacts → don't really "lose" them.
83. Had sex on 1st date - .. no? yes. oops?
84. Broken someone’s heart- not too sure about that one. probably. both people hurt in a break up.
85. Had your own heart broken → yes, sucks.
86. Been arrested → almost on a few occasions, but no thank goodness.
87. Turned someone down → yes, but nicely.
88. Cried when someone died → cried a lot. it's how I got some emotion out.
89. Like someone of the same sex - not romantically, no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself - definitely. I'm the only one I can count on.
91. Miracles → no. but I do believe in luck and hard work.
92. Love at first sight → I don't know. Lust? Attraction?
93. Heaven → too cynical for that. when you're dead, you're dead.
94. Santa Claus → what do you mean, do I believe in Santa Claus? I believe in him as much as I believe in the government caring about people!
95. Kiss on the first date? heck yes. let's get smooching!
96. Angels - no. I wish.


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → yes, all the time.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → well. kind of. technically.
99. Wish you could change things in your past?→ no, I don't believe in dwelling over regrets. people need to learn to move on.
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → sure.

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You Make Me Feel Like I'm Living A Teenage Dream

loyaltolove.blogspot.com

My new idea. All about finding, enjoying, and losing The One.

Obviously won't replace this blog, but this is a side project. Check it out.

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Tell Me What To Do About You

The situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Something was starting up with Kanye and I again. The late night phone calls, the "it was so great to see you again" text messages, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach when I saw his name on my phone,

and the disappointment.

Always letting me down but making up for it with that gorgeous voice of his. I thought he was done with the excuses and lies, but apparently people really can't change - no matter how badly you wish they could.


We were supposed to have a date tonight. He was going to make me dinner, we were going to watch a movie, and we were going to go for a walk. After our phone conversation the other night where I asked him if he really wanted to be with me, I thought things would be good. And they were... until I woke up.

He didn't talk to me for two days, then calls me today starting the conversation with "you're going to be SO pissed at me...". Not the best way to say hello, but it worked. Turns out he "forgot" we were going to hang out. I told him to call me back when he figured out how important I was to him.


I went to the gym to cool off and talked things out with Dino. I really care about Kanye and I don't want him out of my life, but it could never work between us. We want different things, we have different life styles and expectations, and we're going different places. Last year I blamed timing on us not working out, but now I realize that it never could have worked out, regardless of timing.

It's not meant to be and I hope we can stay friends. I still want to hear that gorgeous voice every now and then.

I'm a little sad, but that will pass quickly. I know that this is right. It feels good. Like this is what was supposed to happen all along and only now am I mature enough to be in this place. I'm being unselfish and that's weird. Usually I hold any romance I can get close to my chest, but now I'm letting it go without a fight.


I'm not scared to be single. I need some "me" time.

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Walk Away

Oh no, here comes that sun again
That means another day without you my friend
So hard to do and so easy to say.

I'm hurt.

Why is that so hard and scary to admit? I feel like I'm in a war. What's that called when neither one will make a move? Stale mate or something? It's like that. I feel like I'm showing weakness and vulnerability by saying something as simple as "you're making me cry lately". I hate this feeling.
It's easier to feel angry than to feel hurt.

And you hurt me.

And you're hurting too.

I hope you know, deep down, that I miss my best friend and that all I want to hear is that you miss me too and that you're sorry.

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I Fought The War But The War Won

Seems like big fights are kind of like roller coasters. Or chemical reactions. Is there going to be a crash or explosion? Who knows. But as long as someone "refuses" to do anything about it, nothing will happen. That's okay. 'Nothing' is good for me right now. I need to cool down. I hear that pounding in my head too - I just get to hear it all day instead of for 5 minutes.




I had a really great day today. I got a lot of my homework done, had a good chat with my mum, and went to the gym. Solo. Walking to the gym I was pretty nervous. I can't find my head phones so I had no iPod. Are people going to hear me breathing weirdly? What am I supposed to look at while I work out? What if all the machines are busy?

Everything worked out. I got a nice hard work out in and I realized that all the good looking men DO hide out in the gym. Particularly this one gorgeous volleyball player... maybe I will start going to the games. Our children would have really long legs. I'm okay with that, as long as we get to try for children many many MANY times.


I'm learning a lesson that I was surprised to find out I needed to learn. I need to start making MYSELF happy. I can't rely on other people a) because they'll always disappoint you at some point and b) because they're busy making themselves happy. It's totally fair, everyone should look out for themselves. That's what I need to do. I've been relying on other people forever. Family, boyfriends, best friends. I like making them happy because it makes me happy. But it seems that they don't always like making me happy. I had a big talk with my mum last night and today, and she said "it's YOUR turn to be happy now". She's right.

I feel like this is something I need to do for myself. I need to stop taking care of other people and start taking care of myself. I want to go work out at the gym. You're busy? Oh, well I'll go myself. I need to get back into my summer workout/ eating routine. I think I can do it. Actually,

I know I can do it.

All this drama has seriously motivated me.

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Safe Place

This is supposed to be my safe place. I was counting down the days until I could come back here. I feel more comfortable in my dorm room than I do in Vancouver.

But I don't want to be here right now.

Last night I lay on Queen's bed and sobbed into her shoulders. I couldn't stop saying "I don't want to be here right now". I'm almost 20 years old, 2 and a half years out of highschool and I'm still having to deal with highschool drama. All I wanted was my mum.

I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what I want to have happen. That's a scary thought. I need to get my life back and make it my own again.

Beaver sat in my room for a good half an hour and talked it out with me, but I still don't know what I need for myself.

This has completely blind sided me. I thought Dino and I had talked this out. I wasn't angry at all anymore and now I'm livid.

"Shmemma needs to fuck off or Tron will dump me". The old Dino I know would have dumped a guy in a second who would make her choose between me and him. The new Dino seems to be seriously contemplating it. I got to hear her say terrible things about me from down the hall instead of to my face.

I flip flop between destroyed and seriously pissed off to the point where I dig my finger nails into my palms.

I hate when people don't talk to my face and talk around my back instead. I hate it even more when people change and you start to not recognize them anymore.

He's putting his mask on her so she can't see anyone else.

I didn't think that was what love was.

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Library Blues

All I do is study.

Yeah, you read that correctly. STUDY.
Last year I wouldn't have been caught dead in a library, but this year... I'm there every day of the week for at least 3 or 4 hours. I'm constantly reading, doing assessments and quizzes, completing assignments, reasearching, or preparing for an exam. Who am I, and what has happened to the old Shmemma?

The truth is, I'm almost 20. I know I'm still young, but I feel like I need to have my shit together. I should have a job, I should have a boyfriend, I should be working out all the time and I should have good grades. Already I'm rarely drinking. When the floor has a party I'm stuck in my room.



Well, I'm working on the job. I'm going to go and apply at this cafe near campus. I'll work a few times a week to get some money and meet some new people. I'm doing my best to work out, but it's hard when my hours are being taken up by studying. I need some "me" time, and it's hard to make the gym that period of relaxation. I'm working on it. All the studying is going towards good grades, so that's being somewhat covered.

Now, the boyfriend.
I had a date last night! We shall call him Business. I was so nervous I was shaking. You see, I feel like he's out of my league. I know - something else to never hear from my lips. He's good looking, he's athletic, he's (very) smart, and he's funny. I'm almost 20 and I don't have my shit together! I can't go near him. Well.. we went for dinner and a movie last night and it went really well. During the date I was sabotaging myself (as always) and questioning whether or not I liked him, but as the date was coming to a close I found myself wishing it would keep on going. I fell asleep listening to sappy love songs and imagining he was there.



I woke up with butterflies in my stomach this morning and it feels amazing.

It even makes going to the library a little easier :)

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The Silence Is Slowly Killing Me

I try to be a good friend. I know the importance of the people in my life.
So don't make fun of me for it.

Especially you.

I don't want to be made to look like a bad friend
"don't worry, you're still a saint in everyone's eyes"

but yours?

That hurts. A lot. I don't understand and now I'm second guessing myself.

Being told that brings down my good mood.

I have a date this weekend and I'm going to try and stay happy because of that, and because tonight Mini Putt is coming to the toga night. But I'm genuinely wounded.

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Last Friday Night

Yeah, we danced on table tops
Took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
Last friday night!

Last night Queefer came up to the city. We drank on the floor (even though I'd said I wouldn't - alcoholism and peer pressure are terrible things) and Dino, Queefer and I decided to go on an adventure. Shorty came with us and we took photos all over residence. It was so much fun! We have photos of us sleeping on tables in study rooms, against murals, and wearing bibs with sauce all over our faces.

Queefer yelled at EVERYONE we passed on the street. She yelled at these guys across the street "YO! PARTY AT MY HOUSE!" and I yelled out "and by her house, she means her snatch!". We pretty much rolled on the ground laughing. We had a really great time. A walk that would usually take 20 minutes took us an hour and a half, but that's the joy of drunken wandering.

We got back to the floor and Tron, Dino's boyfriend, was completely shittered. He kept telling us how "destroyed" he was. He was so funny...

Anyway. I'm extremely hungry and I need to go devour some innocent hung over student...I mean, some eggs.

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Water Baby

I'm a water baby, through and through. If I had the choice between living on land and living in water, I'd choose water every time.

Tonight, Lister has booked the West Ed waterpark for us. It's going to be a lot of fun, but at the same time I'm terrified. It's like yesterday when Dino and I went to the gym - everyone there had beautiful bodies, no one was the least bit overweight. A swimsuit is scary because you can't hide anything when you're wearing it. I feel a lot better about how I look now, but jeezuz... I'm not skinny yet. I'm not at my goal.
This will be a huge challenge for me, but I think I'm ready. I deserve to be there and to have fun, just like everyone else!

We had our first Union night of the year on thursday. It was fun, but it was SO PACKED. You couldn't move. I was very concerned about my drunk eyes apparently, but they didn't seem to matter when I snuck in the back of the club. I also went to the Jenny Craig office in Edmonton for the first time. I'm feeling motivated. I had a big salad for dinner and my JC pasta.

Holy moly I'd post more but it turns out I'm late for the bus to the waterpark and my legs are terrifying.

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To Love And Explore

I am writing this, completely exhausted.
I rarely drink anymore, but I'm figuring out really quickly that that's not the case for the rest of Lister. My partner and I completely murdered Soccer Boy in beer pong last night. This is extremely satisfying because SB has been talking crap to me for a year about how he always beats me. Last night I beat him twice. I sunk almost all the cups too.

So.. HAH! There you have it.

To be honest, I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm just winging it and writing whatever comes to my hung over brain.

I need to stop drunk dialing people. My phone bill will be ridiculously expensive. I called Mini Putt in Hogwarts and that amused me for quite some time.

Last night (this morning?) at 4 I went into my fridge to chug a vitamin water. Too bad I grabbed the one mixed with lots of vodka. Jesus. That was quite the shock to my already messed up system.

Track and I explored Lister last night. We went to Mackenzie, Schaeffer, and Kelsey. He and I lived in Kuwait together and I was good friends with his sister. Such a crazy world that we both end up at the same residence. I haven't seen him in 11 years! He's a cool guy, I'm looking forward to getting to know him more.

Umm.. my room still isn't unpacked yet, but Dino and I made her "special friend" COUGHherboyfriendCOUGH a bachelor pad out in the hallway. It had a road, a dog, a window, a door, some flowers, a chimney (with smoke), and neighbours. He fit right in there.



That's all my brain can really come up with right now. I should go unpack more of my room, but my bed is so much comfier...

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Another Year Wiser

I mean, this year I know that floor crawls are dangerous times and to stay away from gay men that seem to enjoy thrust dancing, but other than that I'm the same old Shmemma.

After taking the summer off of blogging, I'm back. Part of the problem was my lack of internet, but with my shnazzy early 20th birthday present laptop I'm ready to click away and keep you guys updated.

I had a good summer filled with skinny dipping, tourist activies, and christian side hugs. BUT! I am back in residence (sitting on my bed surrounded by boxes, in fact) and happy to be here. I'm home!

The second years moved in yesterday and the freshmen are moving in as we speak and I'm pretty stoked. I feel a little bad for the newbs - last year I was terrified. Excited, but practically crapping my pants whenever someone spoke to me. I'm going to try and be super friendly all the time.

We have 2 new second years on our floor this year. They were from 3k last year. They seem really great so far. At least..one of them does. The other one scares us all.

Anywho, I need to go be social and intimidate the newcomers. There's this one new kid who's about 5'1. My height should scare him alone. Tonight is an insanely huge party night, so I'm sure I'll have something to post.

Still in love with Soccer Boy, and oh yes... he's visiting. He needs somewhere to sleep and I know exactly where he can go.

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I Got It From My Momma

My little sister has been complaining that I'm "too much like our mother" lately. Well, when you sit behind me kicking my computer chair and farting constantly, what do you expect?

It's irritating, but I babysat a 4 year old last week. I learned a few tricks.

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Sorry, You Are Not The Biggest Loser

Unfortunately, gaining weight is easy and losing weight is hard. If only it were the other way around.

I've always struggled with my weight. When I was younger, I thought I was fat. Seeing photos now, I realize that I wasn't fat. I was barely chubby in fact. I was athletic, had muscle, and looked pretty damn good. But it's hard to see that when important people in your life are telling you otherwise.

Back then I was slim and thought I was fat. Unfortunately for me, now I would say I'm fat. Because I listened to all those people and believed them, I started getting discouraged and started eating more to comfort myself. I eat to feel good. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm lonely, I eat. When I'm angry, I eat. So what did I do?

Well, in highschool I stopped eating. Bulimia wasn't going to work for me - I couldn't even make myself swallow salt water to get a day off from school. Throwing up every meal was not going to happen. Plus, I like my teeth. I had another option. Anorexia. The problem for me was that I was a terrible anorexic. I got really hungry, and I'd binge eat. I'd get headaches that I didn't want to put up with. For a solid year I would come home from school and have a nap at 4pm because my head hurt so badly. Yeah, I lost weight. But as soon as I started eating normally again, I gained it all back.

What am I supposed to do? For 2 years, I gave up. I gained a lot of weight ONTOP of the weight I'd already gained. I'm lucky - I'm almost 5'11. If I was 5'6 I would look like the Michelin man. Not the most attractive look.

This summer I made a change. I joined Jenny Craig. I knew I couldn't do this on my own. I wasn't motivated, I was still wanting to snack, and I was still going out and drinking every weekend. It was a lot of fun, but it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. "Well, work out!" you're probably thinking. It doesn't work that way. I was too unfit to exercise properly for any length of time. I'd get tired just walking to the gym.

It's a slow process. I got a personal trainer who I see once a month. I have a work out routine that slowly gets harder. I eat only what Jenny Craig food I'm given, and salads/fruits/vegetables. I don't drink. I exercise a minimum of 3 times a week at the gym, and then 2-3 times outside of the gym. I sleep regularly. I wake up in the morning and eat breakfast (I hate eating breakfast).

I've lost 15 pounds so far, and 12 inches. With the muscle I've gained I've lost well over 20 pounds. It's been really hard. I'm tired of eating out of a plastic container. I want chocolate, and I want a dry martini really, really, really badly. But you know what?

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels"

I'm seeing a change. It's taken awhile for me to see my body changing at all, but I feel good. I'm nowhere near done. I still have 70 pounds to my goal weight.

Yes, 70.

It's a lifestyle change and it's worth it.

The scale will no longer tell me that I am not the biggest loser. And you know what? I'm going to have my photo in a Jenny Craig add and I will have the * next to my weight loss that says "weight loss not typical". If you work hard, you'll get the asterix because you deserve it.

"Fat" will no longer be a part of my vocabulary, starting today.

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I Just Wanna Rock N' Roll

all nigggght, and party every day!

Canada Day planning has begun, 3rd annual partay at my place. I can't wait, it's always such a good time. This year, I'm going bigger than last year - a 3 story beer bong. I've invited Oxymoron, because the animosity is now gone which is a really good thing. We're taking it slow and seeing how things go, but I already feel a lot better about everything since we're not having to be awkward around everybody.

I got my N! And my mum is going away for 3 weeks so my daddykins will drive her car and I can drive his.
Cruising around Vancouver in a mercedes for 3 weeks? Ohhhh yeahhhh.

Also, I went to the zoo and it was amazing.
I'll post photos and stories soon.

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A Phone Number Isn't A Marriage Proposal

We all know that guy (or girl), The Stage 5 Clinger. The person that sends you gooey love messages on your phone 2 minutes after you've officially started dating, and gets all teary eyed when you say you can't hang out the next day.

If only I'd been so lucky.

This guy went above and beyond. He rightfully earned his nickname, The Stage 55 Clinger.


He texted me (at 3 in the morning as I was sleeping) that he wanted to hold me in his arms and talk until the sun rose. I told him he sounded like a hostage taker, and he didn't get it. It gets worse folks! He asked when I was coming back to Edmonton and I told him at the end of the summer, I wasn't sure when just yet. He told me to come back next week because he couldn't wait that long to make me his. Excuse me? I DO NOT KNOW YOU.

If I say anything negative, will he climb up the side of my house into my window and abduct me like on Criminal Minds?!


This is the kind of guy that has hundreds of candid photos of me on his walls that I had no idea he has taken. Shudder.

So last night I'd finally had enough. I had been pretty blunt, telling him he didn't know me and that I wasn't jumping into anything with anyone. He wasn't getting it. So last night, I told him to delete my number and that I wasn't the girl for him. He was moving too fast, and frankly, he was freaking me out.

He told me he had to "go cry himself to sleep". Wow. I told him it's nothing to cry about, he doesn't know me. Apparently he felt that we had a "very strong connection" and that he was only "listening to his heart". Dude, you need hearing aids for that thing.

He kept blubbering and I told him goodluck and goodbye. He said he was going (thank god) then texts me 4 times ten minutes later.

"I didn't really want to say goodbye! I'm so tired of nobody taking the time to know me."
"I'm so sad, I can't stop crying :'("
"I wish you were here"
"Please change your mind"

My response? "Stop. You're making a fool of yourself. I don't know you, go sleep the beers off. Bye."

"Babe, I'm not drunk!!!"

Me, "God help us all then."

Then I turned me phone off.

Holy crap.

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10 Things I Hate About... Life.

There are some things I need to get off my chest. So, here is a list of ten things I hate.

1) Bath bombs that take forever to dissolve.
Okay, so I found this adorable cupcake bath bomb in my closet and I thought "hey, I'm going to take a really nice relaxing bath and put this cute little cupcake in to make it special". Great idea, except I WAS IN THE BATH FOR 2 FREAKING HOURS and the bath bomb STILL hadn't dissolved. Eventually, I picked it up in my hands and crushed it into the bath tub. Cold baths are not fun my friends. I was so pruney, I looked like something you would find in an old woman's fridge.

2) Weak nails. I take a lot of pride in my nails. I spend a lot of money on nail polish, etc. and I like it when my nails look good. I like coming up with designs and I love it when people compliment me on my nails. It's a weird little habit of mine I guess. So when one of my nails breaks, it's a problem. My nails are long, if one breaks the whole hand just looks...stupid.
So, because my nail broke, I had to cut ALL my nails until they were short.
Now it looks like I have fat baby sausage fingers.

3) Rings that make your fingers green. What the hell? That's all I need to say about that.

4) People putting the wrong cd's in the wrong cases. Sometimes a girl just wants to play Sims, but I can't freaking do that when I open the case and Sims isn't there. Sims is like my chocolate - you don't mess with that. When I need Sims, I need it bad. How am I suppose to create a virtual fantasy world if I can't find the disc?!

5) Men in bars that squish you into corners. Back off buddy, I could smell your breath when you were 5 meters away - 5 inches isn't helping you get any of this. You looked cuter from farther away too, now I can see you're sweating and you've got your drunk eyes going on. As I said, back off. You ain't gettin' any of this.



6) This funky smell in my nose. It's from the stuff the oral surgeon put into my mouth for the dry sockets, but I'm getting really tired of this funky ass smell. Everything smells the same, and it smells bad. I'd even smell brocoli at this point.

7) Working out at the gym in a shirt that turns out to be too short. You know that moment when you're doing a sit up on an exercise ball and you look into the mirror infront of you? Well, it's an even worse moment when you look into the mirror and your stomach is showing, along with that roll you were hiding under your pants. Excusseee me, that's not what I want to be seeing thank you very much. I'm trying to get rid of that roll and having it infront of my face isn't making me any happier. Roll, roll, go away. Don't you dare come back another day.

8) Eating out of plastic bowls. Jenny Craig, I love you, I do, you're helping me lose a lot of weight, but I am sick and tired of eating out of those containers. Putting it on a plate doesn't help, because it just makes me focus on the fact that I need 3 times more food to make a proper meal. Fruit is yummy, but I'm sick of it now. I need to keep my mantra in my head- "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels". I've lost 11 pounds now, I'm on my way!

9) I don't know what else I hate. Oh, yeah I do. Stupid secretaries who relay the wrong information. You dumbass, how are you working for a university when the closest you ever got to this school was a rejection letter? It's not hard to pass on information. Do it right, because you've really screwed me over this time. I hate you! You mean, mean person.

10) I hate cats. A lot.
Probably the most out of everything on this list. It should be obvious why, I won't even bother explaining.

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What Do You Get When You Put 10 Girls In A Condo on May Long Weekend?

A total freaking gong show is what you get.

Because we stayed in a friend's condo and predrank, the weekend was pretty cheap and most definitely worth it.

We went up on friday and drove back to Vancouver sunday afternoon. Meow Meow and I made a play list and we had some awesome music for the trip. We drove with the windows down, blasting ''Man, I Feel Like a Woman'' by Shania Twain and singing our hearts out.

As soon as we got to the condo, we started getting ready. The friday night there were *only* 6 of us, so getting ready was pretty easy and we were ready early enough to get our drink on. And did we ever. Cleavage and I realized our birthdays are close together, and we drunkenly decided to have a joint safari themed party. You're all invited. Black Magic was so drunk she couldn't even get her shoes on, and she will forever be reminded of her obsession with men that night. Who knows how many times she pointed and shouted ''BOYS!'', but it was amazing. We got into Buffalo Bill's and she whispers in my ear "Look over there, let's go pick up those guys". While I would normally go through with a plan like this one, the men she was talking about were about 40 years old with beer guts. I was tempted to let her go over and talk to them, but I've had my fair share of beer goggles so I decided not to torture her.


The night was going really well...into Natewoo and I got roofied. Lucky for Nat, she only had 2 sips of the drink while I chugged the rest. Bouncers were speaking with Australian accents (of course, we were in Whistler) and I was so confused I thought I was in the land down under. After asking for Dino 4 or 5 times, I blacked out in the cab. I'm lucky to have such great friends - Cleavage blockaded me on the couch so I wouldn't fall off, Meow Meow broke her nails getting me into my pjs, and Rainbows sang to me about artichokes.

Saturday came round (eventually) and we were all incredibly hung over. We spent the day relaxing and bonding. According to the game ''Things'', I am the scariest thing you can find under your skirt. I agree.




The other 4 girls showed up, and we all started drinking to go out again. Unfortunately, Meow Meow got sick and passed out before we could leave. We put her to bed and made our way into the village. At the bus stop, we were belting out whatever song we could drunkenly remember enough lyrics to. Some 30 year old ugly douche virgin decided to pester us on the bus ride, but we promptly made him hate himself and he left. We ended up at a club called Garfinkles and had fun dancing on the stage. Natewoo and I left early to take care of Meow Meow, and we ended up sitting on the kitchen floor eating popcorn and macaroni. Definitely needed some down time and we enjoyed ourselves relaxing. Meow Meow was up and running and other than a nice bump on her head, she was okay.

Sunday we all slept in a bit and cleaned up the condo. We went to the Mongolie Grill where Cleavage and I drank a record amount of water. We might as well have had ''hung over'' stamped on our foreheads. The food was great, but the company was better.

I had a truly amazing gong show weekend that I don't think I'll ever forget.

Don't pretend, I know you're jealous.

Ps, the tags for this post look like they could be for a porno.
But the girls made me promise I wouldn't show anyone the videos of the weekend, so...

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Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday!

We gonna party like it's your birthday!

Goals for Dino's birthday:
--> get a second stripper poster. check.
--> get pretty darn drunk. check.
--> protect dino from drama. check.
--> show your boo- what?

what?

ugh. no no no. bad shmemma. bad bad bad shmemma. I bet my mum rolled over in her bed because she could sense I was doing terrible things.



My first thought waking up on saturday morning after Dino's birthday... ''please say last night was a dream''. I opened one of my eyes a little and saw Queefer sitting on the air mattress with Stoico. Queefer's hair is fancy and Stoico looks as pained as I do to be awake. Crap. So last night did happen.

My heels were slippery and I fell 30 feet down a hallway. My arms were flailing. Queefer said she looked at me and thought ''what the hell is wrong with Emma? how fucked up is she?" and Dino told me she was saying ''YABA DABA DOOOO!" in her head because my feet were moving so fast. But I didn't fall, I somehow survived, unhurt.

Douchebag McGee came last night with Brem. DMG was a freak all night long - hitting on me and FVale, lying in my bed asking if I was going to ''stay and have some fun with him'', and telling me that by the end of the night he bet that he'd have Dino ''wrapped around [his] little finger again''. I called him out, told him he was being a tool and that if he kept his act up, he'd lose Dino.

"I'm not that kind of guy''
''Who what? Apologizes when he's wrong?"
and then he winks at me.

Would you effing stop WINKING at me?! Dino is sitting NEXT TO ME. I was so embarassed.
--
Dino just told Beaver and JRock and she slept with Brem on her birthday... and they high fived her.
I'm confused. What? High fived her?

This is ridiculous.
When I fooled around with English and he had a girlfriend the guilt ate me up. I had nightmares for months. I couldn't even be around her,

and they're high-fiving Dino?


Dino says that this is where my life experience and maturity really show. It bothers me that everyone seems so cool with this.

I'm confused. I don't see why everyone's passing off terrible things people do (like Brem cheating on his girl 3 times in less than a month) and just simply saying ''it's how he is''.

Yeah, it may be how he is, but how he is is BAD. I don't get why that's okay.

It's not okay. At all.

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I'm Wondering Why You've Been The Love of My Life

for so long.

Last night was a bust, unfortunately. I couldn't get Kanye and P out of my head. Every man in sight seemed like a pig, a cheater, and a heart breaker. That guy looking at me? Yeah, stop looking. I know you're a douche. I'm so mean.
My fractured hand was killing me and pain killers + alcohol = bad idea. After half a cooler I gave it to FruitVale because I didn't want to get sick. I LRT'd back to Lister alone (I wanted the girls to stay, Dino really needed a night out) and at 2am Dino, Beaver and I went to the ER. I wasn't willing to wait for 7 hours to hear ''take some tylenol and wrap it up'' so we walked back.

I stayed up pretty late talking to Dino about things going on in our heads. We're both feeling pretty lost.
I feel lonely without Kanye and i'm terrified P and I have no future. Sounds stupid since we're not even talking, but I mean.. I think about him all the time, doesn't that mean he must think about me?

Karmic synergy.. please work.

I'm not looking forward to going home in 3 weeks. I love it here.

On another note, Lines started talking to me again today. We used to hook up pretty consistently, but we haven't talked in 2 years. I know he uses lines all the time, hence the nickname, but I can't help but feel flattered and fall for them a bit.
What's wrong with a little summer fling? ... everything.

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Just Lie

"and tell them you're catching a flight tomorrow morning, that way they'll have to give you your jacket back!"
and it worked. Dino somehow lost her coat check ticket so we had to figure out a plan. In the end, we got her jacket back and LRT'd it back to Lister.

Thursday was the End of the Year Lister Bash and it was a lot of fun. The $10 for the ticket was totally worth it. Broken Ankle came to our floor and predrank with Dino and I, and I went for it. I had a mickey of rum and a bit of vodka left and we polished it off nicely. I'm a light weight now so it hit me hard, but I was perfectly drunk. I could control myself, but I was having a lot of fun. $1 draft and $3 highballs are amazing things.

In the end, Broken Ankle got kicked out (he doesn't remember why) and Princess B got kicked out for falling on his face. Sweetie, Beaver, and J Rock went on the mechanical bull and were amazing! I found a gorgeous boy, but he was soon lost after I walked away. Sweetie and Barney were dancing with older women for a bit and it was great. Sweetie and I two stepped for a while, and he spun me all over the dance floor. All in all, a great night. I had a LOT of fun, but I had a nagging thought in my head the whole time: is this my last Lister party? I have so much fun here, I don't want to go.

Okay.. a little rant. Brem. Dino's ''friend''. I don't like this guy - he cheated on his girlfriend TWICE in one night, didn't tell her, tried to sleep with Dino and didn't apologize. Now he's invited Douchebag McGee to Dino's birthday and THEN texts her saying that DMG has a girlfriend. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!

He is NOT a friend. Friends are supposed to make you happy and protect you. Are you kidding me, Brem? Go eff yourself.

Last night the girls and I watched ''My Sister's Keeper" which was really sad. It made me think about my mum, Oliver, and Dino's mum. Dino had a really rough time, she lay on the carpet and wouldn't watch. I know how she feels, but I wanted her to have some time to herself. My mum almost died in the hospital 3 years ago and that was terrifying. I feel really bad for her, but I know she'll come to me if she needs any help.
I hope Dino knows that we love her and don't need her to act a certain way. It hurts me a lot to think that she feels like she has to act a certain way or I won't like her. She can't let me down.

I'm so pissed off about Brem I have to go. I think I need to have my hand x rayed because it still hurts like a biotch.

Stupid Brem. I'm giving him the ''you're a piece of shit'' glare all night.

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The Best Thing About Tonight Is We're Not Fighting

No, that's a lie.

My mother cannot get off my back. Sometimes, she's amazing and I feel like we're truly becoming friends. She'll book me flights so that I can come home even when I wasn't supposed to, but as soon as I'm physically near her she lashes out and uses me as her verbal punching bag. Why hasn't this stopped? Haven't there been enough broken hearts already? home for a week, I realize why I was so unhappy for 4 years- there is something toxic about my Vancouver life. I fight with my family, luck seems to evade me, and I doubt myself constantly. Must be in the sea air. I'm not as upset as I was last night, but I felt humiliated.
"How come everyone else's children can keep a job?"
Well, actually, I've never been fired from a job. I've discussed with you extensively every circumstance when I wanted to quit, and you agreed.. so don't make it seem like I'm a failure.

Stop making me feel like I'm fat
Stop making me feel like I'm useless
Stop making me feel like you don't love me.

It's not fair to me, and I won't fucking have it anymore. I'm turning twenty in the fall, I'm no longer a child. And even if I was younger, I do not deserve your disrespect. Grow up. We both have learning to do.


Kanye is still in my head. I miss him, but I know he's not the right thing for me. I'm still embarassed, everything he said he was saying to someone else at the same time. It's pathetic and I don't know why I'm the one feeling stupid. Shouldn't he be the one feeling bad? I deleted his number, and I'm sure he's done the same with mine. I won't be getting any apologies from him, I'm sure. I think I only want one as an excuse to keep in contact.



I love the Sex and the City movie. I think it's funny, the fashion is amazing, and everything somehow works out in the end.
Like.. Carrie and Mr Big. I like to think that their story will end up as my story. They break up, stay apart for a few years, but end up together.

I'm looking up at the clouds and begging Paul to be the Mr Big to my Carrie.
Do it! You know you want to.
Plus she has some amazing outfits. I can't get over her white flower dress from the first scene. Holy man. I'd wear that everywhere.

On the way over, the pressure from flying murdered my ears. I was in a lot of pain for 3 or 4 days, but today on my flight I was totally okay! I think it must have been because my nose was blocked due to my cold. I was so nervous, my stomach was in knots. Phew.

I met a cute boy in the airport today. We'll call him Winterpeg. This crazy woman sat next to him and she was ridiculous. She kept asking everyone how long the flight was and complaining about how hot it was. Her voice was terrible, so grating. Winterpeg and I kept catching eachother's eye and trying not to laugh.
Eventually we went and stood in line together and started talking. He's adorable and funny. Did I mention adorable? Yeah. This guy was hot. Lots of tattoos and piercings, but they didnt' weigh his body or face down. They suited him. Unfortunately, he doesn't live in Edmonton. He was catching another flight afterwards to Winnipeg. Who wants to go to Manisnowba anyways?
Come back to Edmonton! Please!
It's just my luck, finding a cute adorable boy who seems interested and he lives somewhere else.
I didn't even bother getting his name or phone number, but I kind of like it that way. This feels... romantic.

Dino and I are doing a lot of homework tonight. I can't wait to get this Directing assignment completely over with. I'm so fed up. I'm so stressed. Finals, moving, finding somewhere to live, and jobs. God. I just need to get through this and not fall apart. I can do it. I can do it.

I can do it.

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Love Don't Let Me Go

Happy Easter!

...from Vancouver.



The surprise was for my father and sisters, my mum flew me home for a week to celebrate my dad's birthday and easter with the family. So far it's been great! I drove down to the beach at midnight with Natewoo, had a girls night, along with a lot of hanging out time with PM and her boyfriend, Klutz. They're so cute together, it makes me miss being held by someone.

A few things to talk about:

Kanye. Stupid, stupid Kanye. He has a girlfriend.

Yup, you read that right. A girlfriend. How did I find out? Facebook.
Thanks Kanye. You just gave me a huge lecture about how you thought I was being immature and childish, you fucking hypocrite. Now I've caught him in a huge lie. He said, and I quote verbatum, "I'm not ready for a relationship". He's got a lot of stuff going on right now, like uhh.. his going to jail. Nah, he didn't murder anyone. He just has some fines he has to pay. Still, jail is a big deal - what are you getting a girlfriend for? All those nights he talked to me until sunrise are now fake and tarnished, because on our off nights he was doing the same to her. Well, great. I'm really hurt. I was really trying to be his friend and this is what I get?

In that case, friends off.

I deleted his number out of my phone and he's off facebook. I can only give someone so many chances, it seems like he was practically begging to be kicked out of my life. He didn't even tell me in person or over a phone call. Facebook, really?

On another note, my hand is fucked up. Like Oxymoron, Midget (my younger sister) doesn't understand how to apologize. Instead she rolls her eyes, acting like a little spoiled brat, and snears. If my hand wasn't fractured, I'd punch her in the face. She punched me with a pillow over her first and shoved two of my fingers on my left hand into the knuckle. This was over 16 hours ago, and my hand still hurts a lot. I can't grip things, and I can't flex my hand. It hurts all the way down to the wrist. Fractured. Great. Everyone, saying "I'm sorry" sincerely can fix a lot of things. I wouldn't be upset if she'd apologized, I know it was an accident, but the second you act like a little bitch you're in my bad books. I'm not being friendly again until she says she's sorry. It wouldn't be a big deal if my hand wasn't hurting me so badly. She's done real damage.

What else... still trying to get back into residence.

And.. I was talking with PM, and she said she believes P and I will get back together one day. There goes my realization that he wasn't the one for me. I'm totally back at square one, lusting after him and dreaming of a future that may be entirely impossible. Oh well, back to being my usual neurotic obsessive self!

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There's No Place Like Home

but what happens when home no longer wants you?

I didn't get back into residence for next year, and I don't understand it. I consider Lister more home than I do Vancouver now, I consider these people a second family. I look out for them, and they look out for me. I hang out in the lounge, I clean up after parties, I'm friends with everyone, I'm not a crazy drinker, and I help people out as much as I can.
I'm on the waiting list. 94th.

It's not going to happen, there are only about 300 open spaces. A third of the people who got in aren't going to drop out.

So.. I'm looking for a place to live next year. Scary. I may not even come back to U of A next year. Everything is so up in the air now, I was really betting on getting back into residence.

I'm devastated, and I'm angry. I got screwed and then bad luck found me too. I just.. don't understand. Some people on the floor are coming back that really don't deserve it, what did I do wrong?

I don't know. I could come back to Schaeffer possibly, but honestly? I'd kind of rather live outside of residence. Schaeffer doesn't seem like any fun at all.

FML. it's a terrible day.

The surprise goes down tomorrow, but I'm no longer in the mood.


It looks like it's going to rain in Edmonton. It's a sad day. Even the sky is crying for me.

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My Own Personal Hell

The table was wobbling all over the place, drinks had already been spilled all over the bench. A pad was stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and that overly gay guy kept screaming that he wanted to ''go shopping with these straight bitches!". The ultra violet lighting was a mistake, I could see way too much history... everywhere. I had a huge drink infront of me, but I wasn't drunk. Not even a little tipsy, plus Dino's hot friend that I was kind of interested in was a total let down. Not attracted to him at all. He cheated on his girlfriend at the club with 2 different girls. Man whore. No thank you. I don't even want to look at that.
How could it get any worse?

Shania Twain started blaring in the background, and about 40 people started singing along.

What did I do to deserve going to hell like this?

It's got to get better. It can't get worse.

I jinxed it, Taylor Swift started playing.

I had to get out of there. The place was disgusting - they decorated the bar by sticking pads all over the place. Everyone in there was trash. Dino stayed, so I cabbed home alone. I was glad to be gone, the people in Buddy's (the bar) freaked the crap out of me. Being from Vancouver, I've met people that are ''different''. The people that frequent Buddy's are freaking aliens.

Kanye and I are a mess. I think. I don't know. We yelled at eachother, I cried, we talked it out.. and we are going to try and be friends. I don't want to be friends, and I'm sad to be honest. It's been 6 months of back and forth and I really care about him. I'd finally allowed myself to fall for him. To trust him.
Okay, friends. I can do friends...maybe. I will TRY and be friends. I won't let my feelings get in the way. I will...try? and not let me feelings get in the way.

On a good note, I realized P isn't the one for me. This is a huge deal! I need to stop letting myself think he was a better guy than he really is. I should be with someone who wouldn't let me go so easily.

I was supposed to go to Mannville for the weekend, but I had this stupid essay to write. Finally finished it today. No sheep washing for me, just yet. Shawna, Dino's mum, was going to buy me easter candy. That's so sweet. I can't wait to meet her. I'm really lucky, all my friends here are so generous. Stoico invited my over for Easter weekend, and Dino's mum invites me out to Mannville. If it was Thanksgiving, I'd make a turkey thank you card. I'll count my blessings anyways.

I have something up my sleeve, and I can't wait to surprise everyone...

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