I'm Not Ready To Go

You think you've heard this before
I'll try to say it differently
As long as it come naturally to me
It's been making me sad
'Cause I can't find a better way
To speak the words I wanna say to you

Know how I love you
And know how I need you

And I want you to know
I won't let you down
No, I can't let go

Once again, I'm packing. I'm in my room in residence surrounded by cardboard boxes and empty hallways. I've lived in Lister for 2 years now. I remember those first few days in my first year, I thought I'd made a huge mistake and wanted to go home. Once I let my walls down and got over how scared I was, I made this my new home.

And now I don't want to go.

I'm ready to leave Lister, I know I can make it out on my own, but I'm finding that I don't want to leave. Not just yet. I'm going to miss living across the hall from my best friends. I'm going to miss studying in the cafeteria until 1am. I'm going to miss the torn apart lounge every Sunday morning. There are so many things that I'm going to really miss and I regret not taking more time to appreciate it.

Last year was my party year - I went wild. I went out 2 or 3 times a week and had the time of my life. I made great friends and I was accepted into a new family. This year I made a lot of new friends but was much quieter - school came first. I don't regret it, but I know studying will be easier in my own private home.

Lister has given me so much. It gave me some really superb people in my life. I've made a new life for myself here. It gave me the courage to be the person I wanted to be and to not worry about what others thought. It gave me the opportunity to start over and not be defined by my past. It gave me the strength to say goodbye to the people in my life that were dragging me down. It gave me the perspective to appreciate my family and friends back home. Lister let me grow up on my own terms.

I'm getting teary writing this. I know I'm ready to go, but it's hard to leave my home. I know I'll make a new home for myself, but I don't want to say goodbye to this one just yet.

I just wanted to say thank you. These past 2 years have been the best of my life and I owe a lot to this place and the people who lived here with me.

I love you.

:)

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Ignorance Is Bliss

I wish you'd never told me that I was fat, that I couldn't do things other people could, and that in order to be happy I'd have to lose weight.

The first time I remember you telling me people would like me more if I was skinny was when I was 8.


I was 8. I should have been worrying about who to play with at recess, not about whether or not I was a disappointment to everyone.

I didn't know anything was wrong with me until you pointed it out.

For so long I thought I was grotesque and that no one would love me - including you.



So I started exercising all the time. I stopped eating. And even when I got down to a low weight it still wasn't low enough for you, so I gave up and went the complete other direction. I stopped caring about myself. I couldn't handle the hunger pangs, the migraines, and the loneliness. It didn't change anything. You still told me I needed to lose more weight.

You think you're being nice when you say "once you lose your weight you'll be the most beautiful girl on campus. guys won't be able to walk past you without staring." but instead all I hear is "no one will pay attention to you when you're like this. no one will look at you twice." which may be the wrong way to take it, but this is what you've taught me.

Maybe you were trying to help me, but in the end you only hurt me. Badly. It's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life.

I blame myself, and I blame you. And that hurts me. I wish I had no resentment, I think it puts a great strain on our relationship. All I want to do is move on, but I can't.

You emotionally tattooed "fat" on my forehead so every time I look in the mirror it's all I can see.

Mom, I wish you'd kept your mouth shut when I was 8.

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100th Post!

100th post!
That's so exciting. Thanks to everyone that reads my blog. It may seem trivial, but it means a lot to me. I appreciate the support and love!

This post is going to be a very happy one which feels great.

KCat slept over last night. Now I'm lying in bed and it feels lonely. It's the best lonely feeling I've ever felt - knowing I have something so great, if that makes sense. Last night

Everything by Michael Buble came on his ipod and he took my hand and danced with me in my room. Just the two of us at midnight. Dancing in my crowded little dorm room. And it was perfect. It was such a sweet little moment.



I've really found a good guy here.

Also! I'm staying in Edmonton this summer. I think it's better for my mental health. None of my friends from Alberta are going home for the summer really (except for Pi. fail Pi!) so it'll be a great time. I was going to have to go back to Vancouver, but I got a job at West Edmonton Mall! I went on friday and handed out my resume and got hired on the spot at the Disney Store, which, hello! is perfect for me. I'm really excited.

Man I am just in the best mood right now. Life is going so well.

You're a swimming pool on an August day, you're the perfect thing to say.

When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.

Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true

Because you can see it when I look at you.

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