Walk Away

Oh no, here comes that sun again
That means another day without you my friend
So hard to do and so easy to say.

I'm hurt.

Why is that so hard and scary to admit? I feel like I'm in a war. What's that called when neither one will make a move? Stale mate or something? It's like that. I feel like I'm showing weakness and vulnerability by saying something as simple as "you're making me cry lately". I hate this feeling.
It's easier to feel angry than to feel hurt.

And you hurt me.

And you're hurting too.

I hope you know, deep down, that I miss my best friend and that all I want to hear is that you miss me too and that you're sorry.

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I Fought The War But The War Won

Seems like big fights are kind of like roller coasters. Or chemical reactions. Is there going to be a crash or explosion? Who knows. But as long as someone "refuses" to do anything about it, nothing will happen. That's okay. 'Nothing' is good for me right now. I need to cool down. I hear that pounding in my head too - I just get to hear it all day instead of for 5 minutes.




I had a really great day today. I got a lot of my homework done, had a good chat with my mum, and went to the gym. Solo. Walking to the gym I was pretty nervous. I can't find my head phones so I had no iPod. Are people going to hear me breathing weirdly? What am I supposed to look at while I work out? What if all the machines are busy?

Everything worked out. I got a nice hard work out in and I realized that all the good looking men DO hide out in the gym. Particularly this one gorgeous volleyball player... maybe I will start going to the games. Our children would have really long legs. I'm okay with that, as long as we get to try for children many many MANY times.


I'm learning a lesson that I was surprised to find out I needed to learn. I need to start making MYSELF happy. I can't rely on other people a) because they'll always disappoint you at some point and b) because they're busy making themselves happy. It's totally fair, everyone should look out for themselves. That's what I need to do. I've been relying on other people forever. Family, boyfriends, best friends. I like making them happy because it makes me happy. But it seems that they don't always like making me happy. I had a big talk with my mum last night and today, and she said "it's YOUR turn to be happy now". She's right.

I feel like this is something I need to do for myself. I need to stop taking care of other people and start taking care of myself. I want to go work out at the gym. You're busy? Oh, well I'll go myself. I need to get back into my summer workout/ eating routine. I think I can do it. Actually,

I know I can do it.

All this drama has seriously motivated me.

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Safe Place

This is supposed to be my safe place. I was counting down the days until I could come back here. I feel more comfortable in my dorm room than I do in Vancouver.

But I don't want to be here right now.

Last night I lay on Queen's bed and sobbed into her shoulders. I couldn't stop saying "I don't want to be here right now". I'm almost 20 years old, 2 and a half years out of highschool and I'm still having to deal with highschool drama. All I wanted was my mum.

I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what I want to have happen. That's a scary thought. I need to get my life back and make it my own again.

Beaver sat in my room for a good half an hour and talked it out with me, but I still don't know what I need for myself.

This has completely blind sided me. I thought Dino and I had talked this out. I wasn't angry at all anymore and now I'm livid.

"Shmemma needs to fuck off or Tron will dump me". The old Dino I know would have dumped a guy in a second who would make her choose between me and him. The new Dino seems to be seriously contemplating it. I got to hear her say terrible things about me from down the hall instead of to my face.

I flip flop between destroyed and seriously pissed off to the point where I dig my finger nails into my palms.

I hate when people don't talk to my face and talk around my back instead. I hate it even more when people change and you start to not recognize them anymore.

He's putting his mask on her so she can't see anyone else.

I didn't think that was what love was.

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Library Blues

All I do is study.

Yeah, you read that correctly. STUDY.
Last year I wouldn't have been caught dead in a library, but this year... I'm there every day of the week for at least 3 or 4 hours. I'm constantly reading, doing assessments and quizzes, completing assignments, reasearching, or preparing for an exam. Who am I, and what has happened to the old Shmemma?

The truth is, I'm almost 20. I know I'm still young, but I feel like I need to have my shit together. I should have a job, I should have a boyfriend, I should be working out all the time and I should have good grades. Already I'm rarely drinking. When the floor has a party I'm stuck in my room.



Well, I'm working on the job. I'm going to go and apply at this cafe near campus. I'll work a few times a week to get some money and meet some new people. I'm doing my best to work out, but it's hard when my hours are being taken up by studying. I need some "me" time, and it's hard to make the gym that period of relaxation. I'm working on it. All the studying is going towards good grades, so that's being somewhat covered.

Now, the boyfriend.
I had a date last night! We shall call him Business. I was so nervous I was shaking. You see, I feel like he's out of my league. I know - something else to never hear from my lips. He's good looking, he's athletic, he's (very) smart, and he's funny. I'm almost 20 and I don't have my shit together! I can't go near him. Well.. we went for dinner and a movie last night and it went really well. During the date I was sabotaging myself (as always) and questioning whether or not I liked him, but as the date was coming to a close I found myself wishing it would keep on going. I fell asleep listening to sappy love songs and imagining he was there.



I woke up with butterflies in my stomach this morning and it feels amazing.

It even makes going to the library a little easier :)

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