May My Heart Rest In Peace

You're out getting high, I'm here pretending I'm in love

My last post was angry, sad, resentful.

heart broken.

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Paul has been a huge part of my life for the last 4 years. For someone as emotionally selfish as myself, loving someone that much and giving so much of myself is a huge deal. But I needed to get away. He needed to get away. He's got a new girlfriend and a new life that I can't fit into. And to be totally honest - I have a new life too, and he doesn't belong here. In a perfect world we'd be living together like we'd dreamed and everything would be rainbows and bunnies, but in reality things don't always go as you'd planned.

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I'm finally starting to realize that that's okay.

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After telling Paul that I had been pregnant I had a really good cry. A really good long cry. By the next morning I was void of emotion and that was what I needed to talk to Paul and say goodbye properly.

In the past when we've parted ways it's been angry, and that in itself gave us a reason to start talking again in the future. I needed us to be neutral so that we'd have no more excuses to crash into each other's lives anymore.

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I called and asked how he was doing. He wasn't doing too well, but that's okay. He needs to start feeling a bit of what I felt when I was alone and scared. He needs to start seeing what I did for him. I wasn't all talk - I really would have done anything for him.

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By the end of the conversation, everything that could possibly be said was said. I didn't cry, I didn't yell. I was caring and mature. I apologized, he apologized. And I wished him luck.

I know some people think I should message Paul's girlfriend and let her know what's been happening. At one point I was going to do just that, but that's not my place. When it comes down to it, his girlfriend hasn't wronged me in any way. It was Paul that hurt me, it's not my right to break her heart. That would be vindictive and evil, and I'm no longer the kind of person that would do that.

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Paul was the last tie I had to my old self, and I feel...relieved. Don't get me
wrong, I already miss him and I've already cried to multiple friends on the
phone about it, but the consensus is that it was the right thing to do and I'm
finally free.

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We both are.

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Ps I really hate how my blog won't let me space out my paragraphs anymore.