With You, It's Always Midnight

are you blind? can't you see me standin' here waiting in line for you

are you mine? not just when you want to be, but all of the time

are you blind? dont you see me standin' here, wont you tell me what it is im waiting to find

you're right, i must be crazy

but i'd rather be crazy than right tonight

Paul messaged me on facebook out of the blue today. It was bizarre, because I'd had a dream about him that night and I hadn't done that in a long while. It was a creepy coincidence.

We ended up talking on the phone and it was pretty bad.

"What do you want, Paul. Honestly."

"I want to be civil to you."

"I'm civil to the people I see in the elevator, why take all this trouble to have me be an unimportant part of your life?

"I don't know."

I DONT KNOW.

Well great, thanks for coming back into my life for some unknown reason. Thanks for letting me know you still think about me, and that you regret what happened.

The ball was in your court and you fucked up.

You cheated on your girlfriend, you lost a good friend, and hopefully you always regret what happened.

I told him I didn't believe his apology. He told me that he never cared for me as much as I cared for him and that really hurt. But you know what? It's true. In a weird way it was good to hear it from his lips.

He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that it was probably best for me to take him out of my life completely, for good.

We said goodbye.

I cried in my bed for awhile, then Comet and Gagsalot came in.They cuddled me and it helped. I just needed some physical contact. Then I texted him...

"You know what? I can tell you this now that we're saying goodbye forever. November of 07 I was pregnant. I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to protect you. You say you feel guilty, well I live with it every day. At least you get to forget about it."

I'd never told Paul because I wanted to save him the guilt and stress that I'd gone through. I dealt with it alone and only told my friend Sus when it was all happening. Because I would have done anything for him and because I didn't want him to leave.

He ended up leaving anyway.

Paul got emotional on the phone and told me I should have told him. He said he wouldn't have left, he would have dropped everything and come to be with me. ''It would have lead me right to you''. Bull shit. He's pinning this on me and making me feel like I was the one who did everything wrong.

Wrong. You're the one who left me alone. So fuck you.

I was going to tell your girlfriend what you did, but I held off. I'm too hurt right now - but you'd better fucking watch yourself.

You do not fuck with me. No one fucks with me. And I'm tempted to make you hurt just as much as I have.

Don't think you can randomly waltz into my life and make me feel like shit again.

I will ruin you.