Heartbeat Drumming Double Time

"What are the fat bitches doing out?"
"Is it fat night at the club?"
"Hah! Fat bitchesss!"

Fat.

I got out of the cab and waited for Dino and Natewoo to get out with Shoes. I looked at the club and noticed 4 or 5 people, drunkenly falling all over the place, about to cross the same crosswalk we were. I faced them and that's when they started shouting.

I have never been more humiliated. Now, I know I'm a bigger girl - do you think I don't? It's not something you can live with and not notice. I'm not an idiot, but I'm trying to change things by eating better and exercising. What are you going to do about your arrogance and lack of manners?

I suggest you jump off a cliff. Thanks.

I couldn't help it, I cried.

I walked away and into the club with a blank expression on my face. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, and I wanted to die. I felt my cheeks flame up and I went into shock. The others hadn't heard anything, they were joking around as we walked. I would have been too, but I was distracted by the yelling.

I felt like shit. I barely got in before I needed to sit down.

And I cried. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop. I was disgusted. With them, and me. That's not fair of anyone to do to someone else. It may sound naive, but I was astounded. What had I done to them? I hadn't even looked at them rudely. They saw a weakness and decided to embarrass me by exploiting it. I've never had someone be so mean to me before.

It hurt me so badly because I felt like they were confirming what I feared everyone else thought when they saw me. Natewoo and Dino are ''bigger'' as well, but they're easily on the small side of the scale. They both look gorgeous, can shop at normal clothing stores, and they get a lot of attention from guys. It felt horrible. They tried telling me I was beautiful, etc, but I don't feel it.

But I'm good at faking it.

Everyone thinks I'm so confident and secure, but I'm not at all. Of course I can trick people into thinking I am, look at what I want to do with my life. I'm all about getting into character, and Confident Emma is one of the faces I put on most often.

It stung, they might as well have spat on me. Instead they just whoofed at me, like I was a dog. You'd think I'd have said something or at least looked back at them, but I couldn't. I turned to stone. I've always stuck up for myself, but I was too devastated.

They shot me between the eyes, but I didn't get the grace of dying.

Instead I get to live with their words in my head.

I hate them for making me hate myself, even more than I did before.