Let's Clear The Air

Because really, I don't want to be fighting with one of my closest friends over you. We have no other fights except for over this stupid drama. So I'm going to clear the air, and put it all out there because apparently you're reading this.

You hurt me. Devastated me. Made me feel (almost) the worst I've ever felt. I used to tell you EVERYTHING. I never left anything out. I was having a really fucking hard time. I was fighting a battle against drug addiction and alcoholism that was much larger than anyone had ever guessed. I'm fine now, but at the time I wasn't. And you know what? I can admit that I was an alcoholic and did a lot of drugs because I had the personal strength to change and break the habits that I'd been living with, and I'm REALLY fucking proud of that. It might be the most important thing I've done in my entire life.

But while I was fighting that, you sometimes made me feel bad about it. I'd say I didn't want to drink, that I couldn't handle being around alcohol.. but there would be a party on and you didn't want to go alone. Sure, sometimes I wanted to go. The times I'm thinking about were when I didn't want to go, and I went along anyway. For you. Because I LOVED YOU. I cared about you like I'd cared about no one before, I didn't even care about Paul that much . Yet you'd get shit faced. You'd wreak of alcohol. Do you know what this did to me? I'd come home early from parties and I'd cry into my mom's lap because you wouldn't be sober for me. Not one of my friends understands what it's like to battle addiction and I get that. But I talked to you about it. You were there when I fessed up to it for fuck's sake! Your hugs and support meant more than anyone's.

You could have juggled having a best friend and a boyfriend. Yeah, we had that really shitty fight in November and I feel bad about it. We sorted through it though and I thought that meant things would change. But they didnt. They got worse. You fucking sucked on his fingers while I was practically throwing up while lying on his lap. What. The. Fuck. It's RUDE. It's DISRESPECTFUL. Sure, he's your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you can be obscene in public. This isn't just me feeling this way, by the way. I'm not going to make you question who your friends are, but don't ignore these words. Sure, it's the 21st century but that doesn't mean what you were doing is appropriate.

I felt really hurt and thrown aside. You'd come over and text under the dinner table (which really insulted my mum, by the way. She noticed. That hurt me too.) or you'd be on msn the whole time. Yeah, we had times where we'd both been on our computers. That's fine, I really enjoyed just relaxing like that. I'm talking about the times I just wanted to hang out with YOU, not your long distance boyfriend.

You jumped into that relationship really quickly and I get it. You love him. That's great.. but why couldn't you love me too? You may say you did, but I think you know deep down that I'm not being crazy.

It wasn't all bad. We had amazing times. Sometimes I still go through old photos because I miss them. But we've changed. I have the urge to call you up and cry to you about what goes on, because sometimes I still need you. I still need that connection we had. I loved you like a sister and soul mate. I think we could have been best friends for life. I wanted you to be in my wedding party, I wanted you at my 80th birthday party, I wanted you to send me letters at university. Our friendship wasn't fake. I need to apologize for communicating with you in September. I was homesick and wanted to reconnect, but now I see that that was a mistake. It's not meant to be, because to be honest.. I feel like I've changed more than you have. After I helped you that night you were super fucked up, you didn't say thank you. I had to tell someone to tell you to thank everyone else and apologize because they thought you were being rude. Instead you sent me a nasty email and got your boyfriend (who had nothing to do with this event) to send me another nasty email 2 MINUTES later.

Great, you made me cry a whole lot.. Hopefully it made you feel better, because now it empowers me. I still have those emails. When I feel my fingers itching to dial your phone number, I remember those emails and read them. You hurt me, and I'm scared you'd do it again. I think you'd do it again.

It's still awkward when I see you, but I try and act normal. Sometimes I wish I could run over and hug you, and sometimes I wish I could just leave so I wouldn't have to be near you. It's hard for me, it feels like my feelings flip flop every few seconds.

Even just writing this makes me want to call you. But I can't. I've had too many talks with too many family members and friends to do that. I'm growing up. I'm living my life. It sucks that I had to move away to do it, but it's good for me. I'm making new friends and I won't run into you accidentally. It sucks that it has to be this way, but it does.

Yeah, I'm slowly moving on. It takes time. You broke my heart. I broke yours. But I did it for ME, and I'm the most important person in my life. You said super nasty things to me when you were drunk and I won't ever forget them. Best friends don't tell best friends that kind of stuff. You mocked me, degraded me, made me feel like shit. And told me I talked too much about myself, but then you wouldn't open up when I asked you. No one else has ever done this.

So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. This is different than saying "I'm sorry you feel like you're feelings are hurt'' which is what you do. That's not apologizing. That's not taking on the blame. And yeah, you do do it. Whether or not you realize it. It just hurts people's feelings more.

Yeah, I still hear about you. People talk. My friends tell me what's going on.
So I need to ask you, politely, after this post to stop reading my blog. This blog contains private details of my life for my friends. I can't make it private, because not everyone has a blogger account. I blocked you on facebook so that we wouldn't look at each other's accounts, etc, so I don't know how you found this link. It doesn't really matter, but it's making me uncomfortable. This is for my friends, and unfortunately we're not friends anymore. I don't look at your flickr or anything. I don't look at your photos. I'm asking for the same respect. It's sad, but goodbye. You can't move on either until you stop following my life. I understand that you're interested. It's natural. We were everything to eachother.
But that is over. For good.

I need to apologize to PM (you know who you are) for freaking out at you. This is a touchy subject and sometimes we butt heads. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, just the situation.

Update: PM and I are fine, as always. We're good at saying sorry to each other.

I know this post is harsh, I wrote it when I was angry, but I mean everything I said. I've had a good cry and a really good yell. I feel a lot better. But like.. we texted a little, things were getting a bit better, then I say happy birthday and you say nothing. Mixed messages.
Everytime I want to call or something, I look at the scar on my wrist and it reminds me of how much you hurt me. I won't let that happen again. If I wanted to get back with Paul, everyone would say no. This is the same. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong...

and now my conscience is clear.